Kotecki - Penguins cant fly: + 39 other rules that dont exist

penguins cant fly

+39 other rules that dont exist

JASON KOTECKI

st. martins griffin
new york

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for Mary

Following the Rules is an Excellent Way to Fit in and Avoid Being Questioned Laughed at, or Scorned.

But Its not a Particularly Effective Way of Living an Amazing Story.

in fresno, california, no one may annoy a lizard in a city park.

In Elkhart, Indiana, it is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kids ears.

In New York, women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

Although impossible to track, there are probably hundreds of thousands of federal, state, and city laws in the United States, with new ones being proposed all the time. That doesnt count any of the rules enforced by schools and businesses.

Interestingly, with all of the laws and rules on the books, the ones we often cling to most fervently are the ones that dont actually exist.

you cant eat dessert first.

your socks must match.

adults should act their age.

Most people have a hard time admitting that theyre living by rules that dont exist. At first glance, it might be hard to even think of any. But if they were that easy to spot, you probably wouldnt be living by them in the first place. (Duh.) The trick is that theyre sneaky and subconscious.

Theyre baked in, and reinforced by many years of repetition and adherence, so they seem normal to us. They are often disguised as conventional wisdom, which is dangerous, for as author Mark Stevens warns, It is not wisdom. It is just convention. And convention often boils down to doing things the way they have always been done simply because they are done that way.

throughout our lives, starting at the very beginning, we are bombarded with these rules that dont exist.

This collection of rules come from a wide variety of sources: our best friends, first-grade teachers, parents, grandparents, politicians, old dead white guys, and even young celebrity trendsetters sporting more silicone than a nonstick bakeware factory. If we want to be successful, popular, get a good grade, or avoid death cramps when swimming, we listen to their advice.

We follow them (often subconsciously) for reasons that range from irrelevant to superstitious to downright stupid.

Some rules were established for practical reasons. And even though the reason for which they were created is no longer relevant, they live on. For instance, the reason our keyboard is laid out into a haphazard alphabet soup is not the effort of some drunk illiterate. Quite the contrary. In 1875, Christopher Sholes (his peeps called him Mr. Typewriter), ran into a problem with his new invention. The dang keys kept sticking together when a typist worked too quickly. Unable to figure out how to keep the keys from actually sticking, he decided the next best thing was to keep the typist from typing too fast. So he scientifically jumbled up the letters so that the commonest ones were spread apart. These days, jamming typewriter keys are only a problem for people whove been sleeping since 1984. But the QWERTY style keyboard layout is probably with us forever.

I grew interested in this topic when my wife, Kim, and I began our inaugural voyage through The Escape Plan and she nearly made a poor waitresss head explode. She obliterated the age-old rule that youre not supposed to eat dessert first by ordering chocolate lasagna as a first course at the Olive Garden. (More on that later.) Before long, I started to notice all kinds of rules that dont exist, and Ive been inspired by all sorts of people who make a point to break them regularly.

Now, there is something that quite likes the fact that we are easily prone to adhering to these rules that dont exist.

that something is Adultitis.

Adultitis is a sinister epidemic that transforms people into zombie-like doo-doo heads and makes the Black Death look like a trip to Disneyland.

officially, ADULTITIS is a common condition occurring in people between the ages of 21121, marked by chronic dullness, mild depression, moderate to extremely high stress levels, a general fear of change, and, in some extreme cases, the inability to smile. Patients can appear aimless, discontent, and anxious about many things. Onset can be accelerated by an excess burden of bills, overwhelming responsibilities, or a boring work life. Generally, individuals in this condition are not fun to be around.

For more information about this terrible disease, including a test to see if you have it and ways to help stop its spread, please visit http://adultitis.org.

if you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.

katharine hepburn

For a long time, Adultitis has gone unnoticed by the medical community, primarily because most of the officials who are in position to diagnose and treat patients often have Adultitis themselves, which at best clouds their judgment or in worst-case scenarios, causes them to deny Adultitis even exists.

But it does exist. And it has left in its wake a trail of broken, boring, and uninspired lives.

one of the most effective first steps in an attack on Adultitis is by identifying and breaking the rules that dont exist.

Because following these so-called rules is an amazingly terrific way to make sure your life sucks.

THIS is what a doughnut with chocolate frosting and sprinkles looks like when my daughter Lucy is done eating it.

Ive never seen an adult eat a doughnut like this. Clearly, she doesnt know the proper way to eat a doughnut. Yet. One more thing were gonna have to teach her, I thought as I snapped this photo.

Funny thing, though.

The doughnut police didnt break down the doors and take away her doughnut-eating license for doing it wrong.