Jeff Wilser - Its Okay to Sleep With Him on the First Date: And Every Other Rule of Dating, Debunked

To all successful relationshipsthat started with a hook-up. And to all women who break the rules every day in order to live their best lives.

Andrea

What Andrea said.

Jeff

Its Okay to Sleep with Him on the First Date

ISBN: 978-1-4603-1525-5

2013 by Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser

All rights reserved. The reproduction, transmission or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher. For permission please contact Harlequin Enterprises Limited, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada, M3B 3K9.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Syrtash, Andrea

Its okay to sleep with him on the first dateand every other rule of dating, debunked/Andrea Syrtash and Jeff Wilser.

p. cm.

1. Dating (Social customs). 2. Mate selection. 3. Single women. 4. Man-woman relationships. I. Wilser, Jeff. II. Title.

HQ801.S983 2013

306.73--dc23

2012041647

and TM are trademarks owned and used by the trademark owner and/ or its licensee. Trademarks indicated with are registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the Canadian Trade Marks Office and/or other countries.

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Its okay to sleep with him on the first date. Its also okay to not sleep with him on the first date. And its okay to wait three dates, three weeks, or three years before sleeping with him.

But the old adage If you hook up on the first date, hell think youre a slut! is an adage thats, well, old. The world has changed. For better or worsewe think betterour generation is more comfortable with sex, less prudish, and less likely to freak out after a night of boozy fun. Maybe that makes us lushes. We think it also makes us realists.

This rulelike many othersis clich, outdated, and overly simplistic. Never trust a rule that begins with Never, and always be suspicious of a rule that begins with Always. The Never rules and Always rules are the accepted conventional wisdom, and the conventional wisdom is about a decade behind the curve.

The rules can hurt you.

On the surface, the rules are about your protection, but they have a sneaky way of making us all more insecure, less trusting, less authentic, and less likely to find a match. They breed cynicism. Gimmick-based rules like Pretend youre busy can help you in the short-term, but youre less likely to find long-term happinessand yeah, well say it, youre less likely to find Loveby this kind of game playing. Rules like Men love bitches make you hide your true self. Or you could miss out on a great catch if you follow the rule Dont talk to a man first. (Not every guy is good at approaching women, but that doesnt mean hes a lousy boyfriend.) The rules can squash your emotions I think Im loving this guy, but he breaks Rule 34 they foment doubt, and they make you wear crazy-colored glasses. Dating is supposed to be fun, but how can you be relaxed when youre counting the days between dates and the hours between calls?

Youve heard some of these rules before, like Hes just not that into you, Never date a co-worker, or The Millionaire Matchmaker s No sex before monogamy. But plenty of the rules are less obvious, more subtle, and theyve seeped into the dating ecosystem.

So well identify the rules, debate them, and show how theyre actually hurting your chances. Written in (rough) chronological order, this book covers the whole spectrum of dating: the overall psychology, the first date, the men you shouldnt date, the awkward this has potential phase, seeing someone, and then rules about moving in together, engagements, or, less happily, the rules on break-ups. Well also tackle the rules about social media, online dating, and the bizarre new etiquette of things like sexting. (As far as we know, this hasnt been covered by Emily Post.) Weve also included some questions that we get all the time.

Even though we come from different perspectivesAndreas married, Jeffs singlewe often reach the same, anti-rule conclusion. With a mix of research, case studies, and hard-won experience, this is a book that cuts through the clutter and restores some sanity. We wont promise you a secret tonic to dating or give you a clever acronym for Love. This isnt meant to be Dating for Dummies. You can get a date. Our guess is that you go on lots of dates. We trust you. In fact, if theres only one thing we want you to take from this book, its this: Dont trust the rules, trust yourself.

So if you want to sleep with him on the first date, we have only one rule: use a condom.

Over the years, my research, interviews, and conversations with men and women have shown one consistent trend on how they get together: there are no consistent rules. Ive interviewed thousands of singles, and their experiences vary greatly. Ive spoken with women who preached rules like Long-distance relationships dont work but ended up marrying someone who lived across the country, and women who felt that theyd know at first sight if they wanted to be with a man, only to discover that they fell madly in love with a person who was not their typesomeone they had even dismissed at first glance. (Confession: Im one of these women.)

Perhaps I dont like dating rules because by their very nature, theyre limiting. The trouble is, our culture is based on quick fixes and simple solutions. The advertising industry loves to create anxiety and aspirational thinking. Their goal is to make you think, I need that. If I dont get that certain something (or someone), I wont be happy. Unfortunately, the dating industry also relies on fear-based messages (Youre not getting any younger!) to scare you into buying into their rules.

When you follow dating rules, youre stepping into someone elses value system. Your friend who insists that you should Never sleep with someone on a first date has every right to avoid getting too physical early on if thats against her principals, but that doesnt mean that this idea reflects yours. If you are opposed to sex on date one for religious or moral reasonsor just because it doesnt feel right to youfollow your judgment. But what if you want to sleep with him on the first date and you feel comfortable with that? Nobody can tell you that you shouldnt, simply because they wouldnt.

If youre new to dating, it can be very helpful to have clear and strong guidelines and rules. But we trust that you have some experience in the dating department and at least some understanding of what works and doesnt work, so we dont want to spoon-feed you these fear tactics. Rules in dating keep you inside your head and out of an experience; they make you question your own instincts. And your instincts are better than what anybody else can instruct you to do (or not do).

So why are you reading this book? Shouldnt we stop here if we believe you know best? We may not believe in hard and fast rules, but we do believe in strategies. Strategies are smart. Its helpful to have ideas on how to approach situations or dodge uncomfortable moments in your love life. Tools allow you to widen your perspective, challenge yourself, and think critically, which is always a good thing.