Jeff Wilser - The Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Real Man Must Live By

THE
MAXIMS
OF
MANHOOD

100 RULES
EVERY REAL MAN
MUST LIVE BY

JEFF WILSER

Copyright 2009 by F+W Media, Inc.
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any
form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are
made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by
Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-60550-661-3
ISBN 13: 978-1-60550-661-6
eISBN: 978-1-44050-644-4

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their product are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

Interior illustrations Neubau Welt (www.NeubauWelt.com).

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

To my father, stepfather, and grandfathersall real men.

And to my mother, stepmother, and grandmothers
who all had the misfortune of living with real men.

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

THESE WILL BORE you to suicide, so if youve never met me, skip it. You dont know these people, so why should you care? For real. Move on.

Thanks to Brendan for going to bat; Keith for the relentless encouragement and the 10,000 reads; Hakeem Olajuwon for 94 and 95; Wes for the Obi-Wan-esque theories on dating; Amy and Spencer for Garden Grill; Jamie for the Mile High support; Dan for the countless IM sessions; Sarah for the eagle editing eye; Kabir for bailing me out of jail; Terry and Braxton for a good hike; Jon Favreau for opening my eyes; Adam for the fantasy football smack-downs; Eric for the early days as a role model; Joe for being an ol such-and-such; Saryn for the inspiration;T odd for doing well for himself; Gut for the SEG; Chuck for calling me Hixon; Tania for the legal counsel; Lisa/ Shawn/Maya/Andre for the weekly focus; Cody for the parenting tips; James for being a dickhead; E van for the good judgment; the whole crew at Track for a thrilling (if bizarre) ride; Erin for the patience; Stephane for the pep talks; Amanda for the call; A for believing; Sean for giving me a glimpse into the good life; Colleen and Lis for the great design; all my sisters for understanding; to Warren Moon for what might have been; and, finally, to Shannon Mwhom I havent seen in twenty yearsfor rejecting me in third grade and making me who I am.

INTRODUCTION

HERES THE THING about real men jokes: theyre dumb. You know it. I know it. And any real man knows it. Lets be honest, okay? Why would a real man buy a book about being a real man? Thats like God creating a Wikipedia page that tells Him how to invent the universe; it just doesnt pass the smell test.

Another thing about real man nuggets of wisdom: theyre stale. Clich. And they spawn from (often outdated) gender stereotypes. I mean, we get it, right?O ld news. Real men dont eat sushi. Or real mendont wear pink. Or real men cant recognize a salad fork, but they can operatea forklift.

Western civilization, to some extent, has puzzled over the real man question for the last two, maybe three thousand years. From Aristotle to Hemingway to Burt Reynolds, its some awfully well-worn territory.

So. Why this book?

Two reasons. The first of which is simpleanalysis. Typically, a man rule, or man law, or man code, or whatever, starts with the rule and ends with the rule. A grown man may not use facial cream. Fair enough. It has the whiff of authority; it makes you nod.

But... why? Isnt there some wiggle room, or at least some grounds for debate? Doesnt a real man want to attract real women, and if he has the facial complexion of Admiral Ackbar and discovers a miracle skin cream, wouldnt that be a good idea? O r is he just acting like a pansy, and a vain one at that? Where do you draw the line? (See .)

The maxims tackle this gray area. T hey put the rules in perspective, show them in action, and yes, even consider the possible exceptions. Instead of being little sound bites that you tell your girlfriend, they articulate the reasoning, chew through the logic. They untangle the web of contradictions; they plunge deep into the nuance; they explore the tropes of masculinity. (Um... sometimes. When that shit fails, they make a bunch of Seinfeld and Star Wars jokes.)

The second reason for this book: evolution. Much of the conventional wisdom on real man topics, to put it delicately, is a crock of shit. Weve evolved. T he game has changed. Why cant men eat sushi? Girls like a man in pink (see ). And in this day and age, do we really need to know how to operate a forklift? I mean, really, a forklift? Isnt that why we go to college?

At the heart of the Maxims of Manhood is this core tenet: real men xii are not real idiots.

The modern man can read (Maxim #62). He can even think (Maxim #91). He can even, from time to time, show a flicker of compassion (Maxim #29). And its time that we acknowledge it. Instead of thumping our chests all cavemen styleFIRE GOOD! E AT-RAW-FISH BAAADD!!its time we create some new rules. More elevated rules. A code of behavior that has the brains to match its balls.

But lets not get carried away. Even though were enlightened, real men are not real girly. So youll recognize some of these maximsthe oldies but goodiestheyre the golden truths that have been passed down from generation to generation. No matter how progressive our society becomes, you may never order a cocktail thats served with an umbrella (Maxim #37). You know how to grill a steak (Maxim #34). And your dog must be larger than a toaster (Maxim #94).

The 100 maxims are broken into ten chapters, with ten rules per chapter: General Behavior, Sports, Women, Health and Food, Style, Work, Entertainment, Buddies, Women Revisited (a complicated subject), and some final edicts that defy classification. Most apply to all men. Some apply just to fathers, and some just to the single guys. Of course, single guys could one day become fathersand vice versa.

You can read them in any order. A few are serious. A few are counterintuitive (Maxim #91 on Supreme Court justices). And others serve the dual purpose of being both a rule and a sneaky, how-to piece of advice (like Maxims #26 and #81 on flirting).

Why am I qualified? Ive met many men. I am one. And Ive seen many men on TV, in movies, and even the occasional documentary.

Ive read about menboth fictional and realin books, in essays, and sometimes (but less frequently) in plays. And Ive written about them.

If that doesnt qualify me as the top expert on the planet, frankly, I dont know what would.

This book might not be for you.

Its only intended for people who fall into one of these seven buckets: