Kathi Lipp - The Cure for the Perfect Life: 12 Ways to Stop Trying Harder and Start Living Braver

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

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THE CURE FOR THE PERFECT LIFE

Copyright 2014 by Kathi Lipp and Cheri Gregory

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

The cure for the perfect life / Cheri Gregory and Kathi Lipp.

pages cm

ISBN 978-0-7369-5700-7 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-5701-4 (eBook)

1. Christian womenReligious life. 2. SuccessReligious aspectsChristianity. 3. Self-actualization (Psychology)Religious aspectsChristianity I. Gregory, Cheri, editor of compilation.

BV4527.C845 2014

248.8'43dc23

2014002584

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Contents

No one would ever label me (Kathi) a perfectionist.

You cant eat off my floor. Well, you could, but I wouldnt suggest it.

My husband would say that our house is cluttered enough to be comfy.

I can fall asleep with a basket full of unfolded laundry in the next room.

No part of me admires Martha Stewart.

However, as many of you know, perfectionism comes in disguised and sneaky forms.

Ive spent a lifetime caring what complete strangers think about me.

I have to fight thoughts of unworthiness every single day.

I have a hard time believing that I should be allowed to enjoy anything in my lifeeveryone else is so much more deserving than I am.

I also have this constant feeling that everyone else gets it (whatever it ismarriage, parenting, work, friendships, God) and I dont. It is a struggle every single day of my life, feeling like Im out of the loopthat everyone else was handed some manual to life.

And while I may not look like the classic perfectionist, the hurts that come from my behavior when Im living by the beliefs of the bully of perfectionism are just as destructive:

I will pick up the check in almost every situation because I feel that Ive taken up the other persons time.

I will run out the night before an event and spend too much on clothes so that I appear to fit in.

I spend ten times more time worrying about how other people feel in situations than being concerned about my own health in these relationships.

Its a fine line I walk. I want to put others needs ahead of my own. Im the drowning woman who is throwing life preservers to people on the lifeboat so they will have something to rest their heads on in their deck chairs.

Perfectionism isnt Christian. Its just crazy.

And I (Cheri) would never have labeled myself a perfectionist. When I was a teenager, my poor motherwho kept an immaculate house, complete with white sofas and carpetsoften told me, Just looking in your room I feel messy!

Shortly after I got married, my mom came to visit. She took one look at the sad state of my housekeeping and told my husband, Im so sorry. You have no idea how hard I tried.

I never saw myself as a perfectionist because I couldnt keep a spotless home as my mother did. But it turns out that trying hard was something my mom and I had in common. We just tried hard at different things.

The just try harder mantra made me

a student who argues for the extra point when she gets 99 percent and who cries if her A has a minus.

a teacher who skips family gatherings because she cant face her students until her lesson plans are just right.

a wife who tries to overhaul her husband so that she can finally have a happy marriage.

a parent who explains the latest unforeseen circumstances to her childrens teachers. Dozens of times. Even when theyre in college.

I tried as hard as I could but still failed (which I defined as getting a lower grade than I wanted, hearing criticism of any kind, being publically humiliated, feeling foolishyou get the idea).

So I started following a secret second mantra: Dont bother trying. Playing it safe turned me into

an employee who doesnt speak up during staff meeting so her input cant get shot down.

a woman who automatically thinks, Shes not going to like me when introduced to someone for the first time.

a friend who lets a call from a BFF in crisis go to voice mail because she feels too inadequate to answer.

a pastors wife who skips church because her own family drama has left her too drained to put on her game face for the day.

a daughter who doesnt visit home very often because she cant fix her mothers Alzheimers disease.

Ive exhausted myself trying hard when it really didnt matter. And Ive not tried at all when it actually did.

Which are the major symptoms of Try-Harder Living (THL)with or without white carpet.

Even though we have different life stories, weve both succumbed to Try-Harder Living. We used to look for the nice, polite ways to follow Gods call. We caved to others expectations for too long. We finally decided to stop taking our cues from the world and start asking ourselves, What does God want from meand have for me?

And weve come to the conclusion: there is no nice, polite way to do this. Theres no easy way to leave the life thats been expected of us and to start living the brave, not so neatly tied up life that God is calling us to.

We have to rebel. We have to make choices that are countercultural to our society, our families of origin, and even our churches.

Were guessing that as youve read our stories youve said, Me too! at one point or another (or perhaps several points). Most women we know are fighting THL to some degree.

We get it. Weve been there. We have the souvenir travel mugs. And because life isnt perfect, those mugs have leaked all over our shirts. (Its the official uniform for the recovering perfectionista nice white shirt with a huge stain down the front.)

Come join our rebellion. We have cupcakes. The frosting is a little mushed, but hey, they still taste great. And they arent homemade. But were okay with that.