Kathi Lipp - 21 Ways to Connect with Your Kids

HARVEST HOUSE PUBLISHERS

EUGENE, OREGON

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Cover design by Left Coast Design, Portland, Oregon

Cover photo iStockphoto / Squaredpixels

Published in association with the literary agency of WordServe Literary Group, Ltd., 10152 South Knoll Circle, Highlands Ranch, CO 80130.

SOCIAL STYLE and The SOCIAL STYLE Model and TRACOM are marks of The TRACOM Group. All content is used with permission of The TRACOM Group. Visit www.socialstyle.com for more information.

21 WAYS TO CONNECT WITH YOUR KIDS

Copyright 2012 by Kathi Lipp

Published by Harvest House Publishers

Eugene, Oregon 97402

www.harvesthousepublishers.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lipp, Kathi, 1967-

21 ways to connect with your kids / Kathi Lipp with Cheri Gregory.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-7369-2967-7 (pbk.)

ISBN 978-0-7369-4230-0 (eBook)

1. Parent and childReligious aspectsChristianity. 2. Child rearingReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Gregory, Cheri. II. Title.

BV4529.L57 2012

248.8'45dc23

2012006821

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher

To Justen Hunter
Besides making me a mom, youve made me a better person,
a better writer, and a more faithful follower of God.
And I thank Him every day for you.

Great thanks go to Erin MacPherson who kept this book going even when I was not. You are so talented, and I am so grateful.

Thanks to Cheri Gregory for sharing your insight into the personalities with all of us who are trying to parent those kids who are just like us, and nothing like us.

Thanks to all the parents who shared their stories. You made this a much better book.

Thanks to Amanda, Jeremy, Justen, and Kimber. I know you will be able to use these stories with your therapist someday.

So much thanks goes to my team: Lynette Furstenberg, Kimberly Hunter, Ginny Chapman, and Bronwyn Swartz. Thanks for keeping this dog and pony show going, and for loving God and loving families, and serving both.

Thanks go to Rachelle Gardner and to LaRae Weikert, Rod Morris, and the rest of the Harvest House team. No one need remind me that God put me in the best hands in publishing.

Thanks to our familiesthe Richersons, the Lipps, and the Dobsonsfor giving us the best stories.

And finally to Roger. Two single parents. Blending a family. Of four teenagers. If surviving that is not proof of what an amazing godly man you are, nothing is. You rock my world.

I argued with God for a long time before writing this book.

When I originally came up with the idea to write a book about connecting with your kids, I was on a Mom High. My husband, Roger, and I had been married for five years, and we had successfully blended a family. Two of his, two of mine, my cat, our dog.

Even the challenges Id had with my stepson, Jeremy, after Roger and I got married were a mere memory. We had learned to care for each other, hang out together, and enjoy each other. And my relationship with my stepdaughter, Amanda, was growing, and we loved being together. All our kids would come over for Sunday night dinner and would often hang out during the week. While I knew we were far from perfect parents, I was excited that Roger and I both had close relationships with our kids.

But then all that went up in smoke.

My son, Justen, was going through a tough time in his life. He grew cold and distant from me. We were fighting and arguing and going through an awful, awful time.

And I needed to write a book about how to be close to your kids.

I cried out to God. I felt betrayed by him. I had poured all this love and energy, time and prayer into my son, and he was barely speaking to me. I felt like a failure. I felt like a fraud. And on the rare occasions that Justen and I had a conversation, I would curl up in a ball and cry as soon as we were done talking. I hated where our relationship was.

I talked with my husband about not writing the book. Not out of shame or embarrassment (and trust me, I felt both of those) but simply because I felt like the principles I had practiced didnt work. My son was distant from me, and all the praying in the world was not helping. I asked friends to pray for Justen, pray for me, and pray for what this book was supposed to be about.

Ive written much of this book during my desert time with Justen. I had nothing to hold on to but Gods Word, especially Philippians 4:6Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

So I waited and I prayed. And I prayed some more.

And now, as I finish writing this book, God has used time and the healing that only he can bring to restore Justen to a good place. Its taken a lot of time and a lot of prayer. But when I talked with Justens counselor, the one thing he said that I will never forget is this: Justen felt safe enough with you to express his anger to you, because even with all of his anger, he never questioned your love for him.

Im afraid that each of my kidsand probably yoursare going to go through hard times. They are going to go through loss and disappointment and sadness, and they are not always going to behave as if all this connecting stuff will make a difference. But let me tell you, it does.

Trust the process and trust your parenting. God has given you everything you need. You are not always going to feel like connecting. Do it anyway. Your kids need you to invest in them when they are young so that when they are older, they dont ever have to question your love for them.

I can tell you one thing about yourself right off the bat: Youre a better parent than you think you are. I know thats a bold statement (especially since weve never met), but if you are anything like me and my friends, someone needed to tell you that.

I remember looking at the other moms at church, the dads out in the parks pushing their kids on the swings, and just knowing they all had it way more together than I ever would. Those thoughts started exactly one day after I became a parent.

It was time for us to check out of the hospital with Justen, who at one day and nine pounds and four ounces was just about the most terrifying thing Id ever seen in my life. I was having a small (OK, enormous) panic attack. I couldnt believe that the authorities, whoever they were, were going to let me take him home. Didnt they realize Id never handled a human baby before? What kind of broken system do we have that would let me (me!) take home this not-so-tiny baby boy?

And thats when I knew I was sunk. In my mind, no one had ever had those thoughts before. All around me were happy couples who were dying to get their babies home and do what? I really had no idea. But I felt as though everyone else had been given a secret manual, and I had missed that day of orientation.

And the feeling persisted. All the other moms acted as if they had been parenting for decades. They had their parenting methods all picked out and were parenting on purpose.