Kathi Lipp - You Dont Have to Try So Hard: Ditch Expectations and Live Your Own Best Life

Kathi would like to thank

Roger, always.

Amanda, Jeremy, Justen, and Kimberly . Love you.

Our families , the Richersons, the Lipps, and the Dobsons. You look at us and think, Yeah, that makes sense , while the rest of the world shakes their heads.

My Bravery Buddies: Susy Flory, Erin MacPherson, Michele Cushatt, Crystal Paine, and Renee Swope. You encourage me to be every crazy thing God created me to be.

And Cheri . You are the Secret Sauce in everything I do. You are the best example I know of someone who has gone from trying harder to living brave, and you inspire me every single day.

Cheri would like to thank

Mother , for sharing your love of reading and always wanting the very best for me.

Daddy , for sharing your love of storytelling and always telling me, Im so glad you picked me to be your daddy.

John , for teaching me to speak fluent sarcasm and giving me a plethora of great stories to tell.

Annemarie and Jonathon , for cheering me on through my midlife growing pains and putting up with more bad puns than are likely even legal.

Adelle and Shonna , for lavishing soul-sister encouragement when I needed it most.

Clifford and Dixie , for providing a safe space to find my voice and helping me discover the power of caring feedback.

Amy Carroll , for coaching me to drill down to the core of each message and being as excited as I was each time I finally found it.

Kathi , for sharing the quote that made a rebel out of me (To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing) and for being the best Bravery Buddy ever.

Daniel , for believing in me no matter what and making my spiritual growth your number one priority.

Jesus , for rescuing me and delighting in me.

Kathi Lipp is the bestselling author of The Husband Project, Clutter Free, and Overwhelmed . She is the host of the Clutter Free Academy podcast. She and her husband, Roger, live in California and are parents of four young adults. Kathi shares her story at retreats, conferences, and womens events across the United States. Connect with her at www.KathiLipp.com or on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/AuthorKathiLipp.

Cheri Gregory is a certified personality trainer, author, and international speaker. She has been wife of my youth to Daniel (her opposite personality) for more than a quarter of a century, and they have two adult kids (who are also opposite personalities). Cheri blogs about personalities, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and navigating life as a Highly Sensitive Person at www.CheriGregory.com, and she co-hosts the Grit n Grace: Good Girls Breaking Bad Rules podcast at www.GritNGraceGirls.com. Connect with Cheri on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/Cheri.Gregory.Author and on Instagram as cheri gregory.

Visit the You Dont Have to Try So Hard website

www.YouDontHaveToTrySoHard.com

D ear Reader,

Were so grateful youve made this journey with us. We know how much it takes to make big (or little) changes in your life. Here are a few final encouragements for you:

Pick One Thing. Find the chapter of this book that hit you square between the eyes and start there. Find one tiny act of rebellion and make it happen, whether its saying no to bringing snacks to your book club for the tenth time in a row or taking an hour to rest without feeling guilty about the unwashed dishes.

Find a Bravery Buddy. Doing anything new and unfamiliar takes courage, and you double your courage when youre being brave with someone else. Between your 40 percent brave and your friends 40 percent brave, youre at 80 percent brave. And thats enough.

Practice Empathy. As you start to live braver, youll begin to recognize other women around you doing so in their own small ways. Lets all make this world a safer place for women who are stepping out on wobbly legs to be countercultural and live braver.

Share Your Story. When you tell other women what youve done to start living braver, you give them the courage to take the next tiny step forward in their own lives. Join us at www.YouDontHaveToTrySoHard.com to share your story and encourage other women.

Cheering you on,

Kathi and Cheri

T ry-Harder Living has four main instigators: Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, Performancism, and Procrastination. These bullies work together. When youre fighting with one, the other three cheer him on and jump in as needed.

Although each bully has his own special weapon, they all share one common goal: to convince you to pour all your energy into creating and maintaining an image. This image is based on who they say you should be. Their criteria, of course, change from day to day. This keeps you dancing to their demands, right on the edge of burnout.

To break free from these bullies, we need to know a bit about them. Forewarned is forearmed, after all. In this chapter youll discover how to identify each one, and youll learn to recognize the strategies they use against you as they aim to paralyze you with Try-Harder Living.

Perfectionism

Im always trying harder to look good enough .

A quick question to ask yourself if you suspect youre getting hammered by Perfectionism is Am I obsessed with getting certain results? If your answer is yes, Perfectionism is the likely culprit. If you listen closely, you can hear him yelling, Thats not good enough! Try harder!

Lets agree right up front that when we use the term Perfectionism, we are not referring to

conscientiousness

becoming more like Christ

a commitment to excellence

Perfectionism is characterized by relentless criticism of self and others. Comedian Ken Davis puts it this way: A perfectionist is not someone who is perfect; it is someone who is miserable, because they cant get it right.

People-Pleasing

Im always trying harder to seem nice enough.

Am I obsessed with getting specific reactions? is the question that will help you catch People-Pleasing meddling in your affairs. This bully assures you he has your best interests at heart and is just trying to help. They dont look happy yet. Try harder! is his motivational mantra.

People-Pleasing is not the same thing as love; in many cases its a major cause of the erosion of love. Nor is People-Pleasing the same thing as care, compassion, sympathy, or empathy. People-Pleasing involves

putting the wants of others above ones own needs

avoiding conflict

basing self-worth on others reactions

feeling trapped by others needs, often to the point of martyrdom

keeping silent about ones own needs, wants, and opinions

People-Pleasing has been called the disease to please. At its core is a chronic craving for others approval.

Performancism

Im always trying harder to be seen doing enough .

If you ask yourself, Am I focusing so much on this project that Im neglecting key people in my life? and get the response, Dont worry about them; theyll be fine, youre being bossed by Performancism. Hell also insist, Keep working. Theres lots more to do.

Performancism is not the same thing as a strong work ethic. Nor is it practicing a skill to mastery. Just as workaholism is not merely working hard but an actual addiction to work, Performancism is a compulsive, insatiable craving for achievement.

Performancism tells us performance will result in love. Thats backward. Love always leads us to take action. But performance, on its own, cant produce love. We can fake it til you make it with some things in life, but not with love.