Barker - Barker: Plays One

A field. A man enters.

SCROPE: I know I swore. I know I promised. On the Bible. And because I can take or leave the Bible, got your child in and told me put my two hands on her cheeks and looking in her eyes say I would not disclose this place. No matter what the madness, what the torture, leave you underneath the nettles, safe. I did. I know I did.
(He points to a place. SOLDIERS enter with spades.)

BOOT: A scythe, John!

SHADE: Oh, the cunning of im, oh, the artfulness, sneakin is bits under the lush at night...

BOOT: Mind the thistles.

WICKER: Now tell us e is twelve foot deep.

SCROPE: Twelve feet at least...

WICKER: Twelve foot, Michael! And the sun like the bald bakers bollocks!

BOOT: (To DARLING.)No, a scythe, you know a scythe, do you?
(DARLING goes out.)

WICKER: Ow! Thistle got me!

SHADE: This is nothin to what we ave ad, is it? Draycott was under fifteen ton a rock.

BOOT: At low water.

SHADE: At low water. We was in and out like the mad vicars dick.

BOOT: (To DARLING.) Thank you. That is a scythe.

SHADE: An Rouse, who ad imself stuck in the street, alf in the pavement, alf in a shop

BOOT: (Scything.) Mind yer legs!

GAUKROGER: I wonder if one of you cunts would condescend to fetch my stool? In your own time, of course, at your very own cunt leisure?

BOOT: Captains stool, John!
(DARLING hurries out.)

GAUKROGER: I hate to trouble you cunts, I honestly do.

SHADE: This draper says, What! The corpse of a rebel under my shop! Well, I never! ow did that come about! So we go through is bedrooms, an is trunks, an is girls. And there it is. Milton. Latin dirt.

GAUKROGER: (As DARLING brings in a stool.) Thank you. I have commanded some cunts, but you take the cunt biscuit.

SHADE: So we slit it, this drapers long nose. For misuse of the highway. Well I never! Well, I never! e says...

BOOT: (Scything.) Mind yer legs.

GAUKROGER: A stool, Mr Scrope? These cunts will be at it all day.
(SCROPE shakes his head.)
Who had my sunshade?
(They are digging.)
My sunshade?
(The clash of shovels.)
I do love the way they pretend to be deaf. They really are such extraordinary cunts.

BOOT: Captains sunshade!
(DARLING goes out.)

GAUKROGER: We never had one out of a field. Under the whispering cow shit and adulterous hips. Gob open to clay and the milkmaids hot little puddle. But in sight of church steeple, I notice. How picturesque he was and diligent. Was he, Mr Scrope? Cunt picturesque your master?
(SCROPE bursts into tears.)
The files are such cunts here. Would one of you run for a whisk?

A room. A WOMAN and two OFFICERS of the crown.

BRADSHAW: I am not asking you to sit. If I ask you to sit you will think at least she has good manners, at least shedoes things properly, she keeps things clean. I do not wish to do things properly or keep them clean. What do you want?

ROAST: I have to inform you

BALL: Oh, the pontificating shitbag

ROAST: I am instructed by His Majestys

BALL: Oh, the pontificating shitbag

ROAST: May I just get this

BALL: No, she is though, isnt she, a most pontificating bag of shit, Brian

ROAST: If I could just

BALL: Laying aside the instructing and informing for a minute, you have to marvel at her poopy aspect. I do. I have to marvel at it, all her straight back and white linen, her simple dignity and so on, it makes me want to kick the table through the window

ROAST: I cannot see the point of making this

BALL: I havent finished yet!
(He goes to her.)
Brian is for being nice. Brian is ice cold and happy. But Brian never swagged his hours with the bints of Calais. I will be rude because I have lost fifteen years! Oh, my breath smells, my breath smells and she winces! Yours does not, does it, breathe on me, breathe on me

ROAST: Andrew

BALL: Oh, breathe on me your English breath, sweeter than roses, but then you have had English gardens to wipe your rump against, I have not but I am not angry, no, Im not, I have licked Frenchmens bums for nourishment and Spaniards crotches! Breathe on me, breathe on me, do, when you stand there icy in your purity I could really dagger you with my old cavalier dick, that or murder, carry on informing, Billy.