Barry - Insane City

Two days before his wedding, Seth was in a cab with his best man, Marty, who was advising him on the responsibilities of the groom.

Your job, Marty said, is to get hammered.

Ive seen the movies, said Seth. It never ends well.

Its a tradition, said Marty. The groom, about to give up his old lifestyle forever, spends one last night partying with his buddies, laughing with them, crying with them...

Throwing up on them, said Seth.

Not on the best man, advised Marty. Thats the function of the lower-ranking groomsmen.

The cab was approaching the American Airlines terminal at Reagan Airport.

One thing, said Seth. No stripper.

Seriously?

If a stripper shows up, I will run. I will run like the wind.

Strippers are traditional, said Marty.

Strippers are hookers. Remember the one we got for Kevin?

Marty made a face. OK, Ill admit hygiene was not her...

She was disgusting, Marty. She personally controlled two-thirds of the world supply of stank. Id rather get a lap dance from Charles Barkley.

You want us to get Charles? Because I hear hes pretty responsive to fan requests.

No stripper, thats what I want.

They were pulling up to the curb.

I got this, said Marty, paying the cabbie, which was unlike him. You go inside.

I gotta get my suitcase.

Ill get it. Youre the groom, man. Let people cater to you.

Seth frowned. It was also unlike Marty to cater. Marty was, by nature, a cateree. Feeling a twinge of suspicion, Seth put a hand on Martys shoulder, leaned in eye to eye. Marty, he said, swear to me on your mother that there will be no stripper.

Absolutely. I swear on my mother, may she rest in peace.

Your mothers still alive.

Unfortunately, yes. Now go find the rest of the Groom Posse.

The rest of the Groom Posse consisted of Kevin (he of the stanky stripper) and Big Steve. The four of themSeth, Marty, Kevin and Big Stevehad been close friends since they met as roommates at the University of Delaware, where they had distinguished themselves by amassing the largest vertical stack of used pizza delivery boxes in the schools history, and quite possibly in the annals of higher education. After graduating they had pursued different career paths, but they remained close friends, connected by the bond of college, as well as the bond of being unsuccessful at everything they had tried since.

Seth spotted the hulking mass that was Big Steve by a boarding pass machine, his finger hovering uncertainly over the touch screen, his face scrunched into a frown, looking like a man about to enter the code that would launch a nuclear strike against Pyongyang, as opposed to a man confirming his selection of an aisle seat. Big Steve was a man who always... wanted... to... make... absolutely... sure... of... everything. Standing behind him in a movie concession line was a nightmare. He could take five full minutes to choose a beverage, before moving on to the far more difficult issue of what size beverage. Not to mention the popcorn decision, which more than once had made him miss the beginning of a feature film.

Pacing around Big Steve like a small, jittery asteroid orbiting a planet was Kevin, who, as always, was on his cell phone, lying to somebody about something. As Seth drew near, he gathered that in this case the person being lied to was Kevins wife.