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WIFE:we are separate peopl each what he fears most each his own trap his own bait his own victim I am not responsible for your life and you are not responsible for mine Richard Shelton
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Heart of a Family
Doug Finn
State University of New York Press ALBANY
Page iv
The shell of this story is an actual incident. Everything inside it, including and especially the characterstheir personalities, actions, and relationshipsis fiction.
Published by State University of New York Press, Albany
1984 Doug Finn
All rights reserved
Printed in the United States of America
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
For information, address State University of New York
Press, State University Plaza, Albany, N.Y., 12246
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Finn, Doug, 1946 Heart of a family. I. Title. PS3556.I496H4 1984 813'.54 84-8474 ISBN 0-87395-861-6
109876543
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For Kris, who made it possible
Page 1
I
Jesse Landow stood under the shower in a kind of stupor, tired after work, feeling the steaming water spray on his hard, muscular shoulders. It had been a week since David's accident and the shock of its implications had finally reached him. It was like being awakened from a pleasant dream by a loud noise. "Jesus Christ," he said to himself. "My family's falling apart."
He had been thinking about his sons. They were all a little strange. Something lessor more, he wasn't sure whichthan your typical all-American boys. He had pictured them, as he usually did for some reason, lined up according to their ageseight, sixteen, and twentystanding at a military at-ease, their faces wearing puzzled frowns, as if they couldn't figure out why he was looking at them. Whenever he saw them like that he became puzzled himself.
Well, hell, he thought. They were his kids. Why shouldn't he look at them? And as he thought this their expressions changed. They grinned, fidgeted nervously, looked at each other as if to say, "Hey, the old man sees us. He really sees us."
But, of course, he didn't see them at all. They were enigmas
Page 2
to him. He didn't know them. He worked too damn much, that was the problem. He wasn't around them enough to know them. Mary, he figured, might know them, but he wasn't even sure of that. Somebody ought to know them. And the thought that maybe nobody did, at least nobody that mattered, made a melancholy sadness well up in his chest.
It shouldn't be that way. He ought to change it. He would change it, he decided. Or at least try to change it. He would talk to Mary about it tonight.
A week later, the whole family sat around the dining room table. They were just finishing dessert.
"Goldwater knew what to do," Marty was saying. "If he was in now, the war would be over."
"You sound like a damn reactionary," Jesse said.
"Well, I don't like the idea that I might have to fight in a war that's only going on because Johnson is too chicken to end it," Marty said.
"It's more complicated than that," Jesse said. "We can't let the Russians get a foothold over there. If we let them have Vietnam they'll just go and try for more. They want to rule the world."
Marty's face was getting red. The rest of the family moved their eyes from one speaker to the other like spectators at a tennis match.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you," Marty said. "We have to stop them, not let it drag on forever."
Jesse shook his head. "No. It's not us. It's the Vietnamese who have to stop them. We're only there to help them out. It's not our war, it's theirs."
"Bull!" Marty said, exasperated. "It's our war. And anybody that thinks it's not is just naiveor stupid."
"Isn't there something on television tonight?" Mary asked.
Page 3
Gary, sitting next to her, suddenly came to life. "Mission Impossible." He scooted his chair back and stood up. Mary stood, too, and started clearing the table.
"Just a minute," Jesse said. "Everybody sit down a minute. I have something to say to everybody."
Gary and Mary sat down, Gary on the edge of his chair. An awkward silence filled the room. The refrigerator hummed in the kitchen. Jesse studied the milky bottom of his ice cream dish, then looked up and cleared his throat. There was another instant of silence, then Marty said, "Mah fellow 'Mericans. Unaccustomed as Ah am to public speakin' ..." Mary looked at him reprovingly. David chuckled. Gary didn't understand, but smiled. And Jesse grinned.
"Okay, smart-mouth," Jesse said. "This is serious though. I have something I want to say to everybody." There was another long pause. Jesse looked at Mary as if seeking some help, but Mary only smiled at him and nodded. He took a deep breath. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. No wise cracks,'' he said to Marty. He paused again. "There's, uh, something wrongwith usas a family. I've been trying to figure out what it is. It's not really anybody's fault but mine, but the problem is that we're not together. We're not close like a family should be. Do you realize this is the first dinner we've had all together in over a month?"
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