Doug Manning - Dont Take My Grief Away from Me: How to Walk Through Grief and Learn to Live Again

In-Sight Books, Inc

Oklahoma City

How to Walk Through Grief and Learn to Live Again

Doug Manning

Third Edition 2011

In-Sight Books, Inc

PO Box 42467

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 73123

800.658.9262 or 405.810.9501

www.InSightBooks.com

First Edition 1979 by In-Sight Books, Inc.

Second Edition 2005 by In-Sight Books, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without prior written permission of the publisher, excepting brief quotes used in connection with reviews, written specifically for inclusion in a magazine or newspaper.

ISBN-10: 1-892785-74-9 (print)

ISBN-13: 978-1-892785-74-9 (print)

10/12

T o Ann and Jess Wade

The night of their great loss gave birth to this book. This book is dedicated to them in the hope that their honesty in grief can produce healing for all who read it.

March 1, 1979

Dont Take My Grief Away From Me was published in 1979 as Doug Mannings first venture into offering comforting words, heartfelt understanding, and encouraging guideposts for people on the grief journey. It began his career as an author and speaker in the areas of grief and elder care and was the cornerstone of his company, In-Sight Books, Inc. Millions of copies have been sold all over the world in the past thirty-two years. Doug often said he would like to revisit the book and add some of the lessons learned in his years of walking with hurting individuals but just did not know how to revise a book that had worked for so many for so many years.

On September 25, 2010, Dougs wife of fifty-seven years died and his world was significantly changed. He decided that it was timetime to update and expand this most beloved book. It was time to share some of the personal experiences and wisdom gained on his own path to healing, as well as offering stories of struggle and promise from some of the thousands of individuals who have shared their hearts with him. The title remains the same because that phrase is the foundation of all of Dougs work; people need permission and safety to grieve without it being taken away from them.

Dougs hope is that this new edition will provide fresh perspectives, gems of truth, and honest discussions about the universal experience of grief. This is his gift for anyone who shares these pages hoping to understand how to survive the pain of loss and how to ultimately find moments of gratitude and peace on their own grief journey.

The doctor said she was gone

A few moments before

while they worked frantically to bring her back

he had said it was time for her to go

and asked me to allow her to do so

now he simply said

she is gone.

He was wrong

She is not here in person

and I cannot touch her

or hold her in my arms

and I know the loneliness of a house too large

with too much space to echo

the hollow sounds of silence

back to me.

But she is not gone.

The months have passed

and I have stopped waiting to hear her

come home from work

and the sound of her unique little shuffle

as she walked through the house

and no longer look at the bed every morning

to see if she is awake yet.

But she is not gone.

No one is dead until they are forgotten

And we will never forget

So she will live on

In the lives she touched

As Mother

Grandmother

Great Grandmother

Wife and friend

No way for her to be gone

Every day we laugh at some memory

Of how frugal she was

An eraser held together by tape

More note pads than the printer

And almost as may pens as Staples

Her desk has become a shrine to remind us

How quietly she served us and never

Called it a job.

She is not gone you know.

We cry through holidays

Wishing she were here

But so grateful that she was

And that she loved us with no reservation

And no judgment

And take pictures in her honor

While wondering what to do with the thousands she took

She is still here.

She lives on in life beyond life

Whatever and wherever that is

It is a better place because she is there

And we hope

Someone makes her laugh every day

And her feet and hands feel no more pain

And that they have cameras there

So she can take pictures and

Plan to put them in albums

But mostly she lives here

In the stories we will never stop telling

The memories we will never stop sharing

The life we will never stop honoring

And the person we will never stop loving

She is not dead

She just moved to the inside of our hearts.

I f I could do what I wanted to do for you right now,

I would make you feel normal.

I would hold your hand as you told me of the feelings you are having inside, and I would say

Yes, that is how it feels to be in grief.

Yes, that is a normal reaction.

Yes, as you progress through grief you have thoughts like that.

I cannot be there to hold your hand and say yes.

I hope this book will be a substitute

I hope it will let you know you are normal.

Grief is bad enough. To experience it and not know what to expect or how you should feel makes the experience worsemuch worse.

Read on and learn to feel normal.

G rieving is as natural as crying

when you are hurt, sleeping

when you are tired,

eating when you are hungry, or

sneezing when your nose itches.

It is natures way of healing a

broken heart.

I have always thought she was brilliance under pressure. Her statement was a flash of insight in a time of darknessa flash of insight which ultimately changed my career and my life.

Her little girl had the croup. Nothing seemed serious or unusual about it. Eighteen-month-old children can be sick enough to scare parents to death and two hours later they seem totally well. The croup worsened and the child was admitted to the hospital. Still there was no cause for fear. An oxygen tent, a vaporizer, some antibiotics and all would be well. The husband went home to care for the other child. In thirty minutes the child was dead. Just dead. This beautiful, effervescent life was gone.

Of all times for me to be 700 miles away on vacation, I had to pick this time. These were members of the church where I was serving as pastor and were also dear friends. In their hour of deepest need, I was away. As little as I knew about grief then, I probably would not have been much help had I been there. I would have felt better, but I am not sure this couple would have been helped very much by my presence or my philosophical answers.