Susan J. R.N. Zonnebelt-Smeenge - Traveling through Grief: Learning to Live Again after the Death of a Loved One

2006 by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. DeVries

Published by Baker Books
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.bakerbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2010

Ebook corrections 06.20.2016 (VBN), 02.12.2019

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-58558-529-8

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, Todays New International Version. TNIV. Copyright 2001, 2005 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Scripture quotations identified NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Rarely does a person experience
the richness of the love,
the depth of the support,
and the strength of the encouragement
we receive from our parents

William G. Zonnebelt

and

Norma J. Zonnebelt

to whom we dedicate this book
with our deepest love and gratitude
for who and what they are to us.

W riting a book that will speak to the head and heart of a person torn apart by the death of a loved one is a tremendous challenge. Both of us have experienced heart-wrenching grief through the deaths of our first spouses, the deaths of brothers and grandparents, and, in Bobs case, through the death of parents. Some people want to read their way through grief. Others want to focus primarily on the emotions of grief. Still others try to avoid grief altogetherto run from it or hide from its devastating power. Our challenge is to speak not only to the heart of someone who has been torn by grief but also to the grievers head, because we firmly believe that people need to be active and intentional about their grief in order to heal. We want to say a word that may have some healing power and to cast a vision of a life that can be fulfilling and rewarding again once a person has completed their journey through grief.

Reading a book on grief can be difficult because it will force you to deal with some tough stuff. If you are the one grieving, we commend you for your desire to read this short book, which is divided into digestible sections that hopefully will provide you with a positive outlook as well as a number of suggestions for managing your grief journey. In many ways this book is appropriate for a wide variety of losses that cut to the heart and impact your life, such as the breakup of a significant relationship or marriage, the loss of a job, the loss of health, or the loss of a pet. The central focus of this book, however, is specifically the death of a loved one, and we leave it to the reader to apply these principles and suggestions to other situations.

We have written three other books on the topics of dying, death, and grief. Getting to the Other Side of Grief:Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse addresses the grief journey following the death of a spouse. The Empty Chair:Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions is a shorter book focused on managing those special days when the absence of a loved one is especially feltdays like Christmas, birthdays, the anniversary of the death, or any other time that was special in ones relationship with the deceased. Our third book, entitled Living Fullyin the Shadow of Death: Assurance and Guidance toFinish Well, deals with the need to prepare for ones death, whether one is healthy or ill, young or old. The book is an extensive guide to all of the preparations a person should make emotionally, relationally, medically, financially, legally, and spiritually to face death. The book you are now reading takes its place in the series of our writing on death and bereavement as a resource on the grieving process following the death of someone you have lovedwhether that is a parent, child, sibling, spouse, grandparent, or friend.

As in all our other books, we approach the subject from both a mental health and a Christian spiritual perspective, each contained in separate sections. Most readers will want to read both coordinated sections throughout the book, but even those who prefer not to read Christian meditations will benefit from reading the mental health perspective. Susan is a licensed clinical psychologist at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services (Grand Rapids, Michigan), and Bob is an ordained pastor and Professor Emeritus of Church Education at Calvin Theological Seminary (Grand Rapids, Michigan). Following the deaths of our first spouses in 1994 and 1993 respectively, we married each other in 1997 and have a blended family of four adult children with their spouses, and five grandchildren.

F inding the words that will provide the most help and comfort to someone who is grieving is a difficult task. When people are confronted by death, most often their response is simply I dont know what to say! So we want to say something helpful, and this book is one way for us to give expression to the grief journey. While the words are ours, several others have provided their expertise and perspective by reading the manuscript and offering advice.

Our parents, Bill and Norma Zonnebelt, and our daughter Sarah Byrd, a teacher, read the book as previous and prospective grievers to ensure our language was clear and understandable and laced with a sensitive and caring tone.

Both Patricia Cassell, a nurse and social worker, and C. J. Weidaw, a nurse and psychologist, as well as being our friends, offered their editorial and counseling insights in reviewing the final edition. Doug and Carol Luther, co-facilitators with us of a younger widowed support group and Carol also as the former director of the Greater Grand Rapids Widowed Persons Services, lent their wisdom as people well versed in grief both personally and professionally.

Our appreciation is also given to Bob Hosack, senior acquisitions editor, for his trust in the quality of our work, and to Kristin Kornoelje, assistant managing editor, trade books, for her editorial services ensuring the clarity of our message. We also want to thank the entire staff at Baker Publishing Group for their continued support of our writing on the topics of dying, death, and grief. While these are usually not comfortable topics for people to read about, we commend Baker Publishing Group for their commitment to educating and providing support for two of the most painful experiences in lifedying and grieving.

Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge
Robert C. DeVries

Death, like a fire, devastates, destroys.

Death seems to leave nothing but ashes

in its wake. Landmarks are destroyed.

A sense of hopelessness overwhelms. We

are not certain whether we can find our

bearings again. How will we ever navigate

this darkness?

Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes

you, smashes down upon you with an

unimaginable force, sweeps you up into

its darkness, where you tumble and crash

against undefinable surfaces, only to

be thrown out on an unknown beach,

bruised, reshaped and unwittingly better

for the wear.... Grief will make a new