Susan J. R.N. Zonnebelt-Smeenge - From We to Me: Embracing Life Again After the Death or Divorce of a Spouse

2010 by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries

Published by Baker
Books a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.bakerbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2010

Ebook corrections 06.20.2016 (VBN), 03.02.2020

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ISBN 978-1-4412-1231-3

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They didnt ask to come on this journey,
but our children and parents,
along with our grandchildren,
have come together into a new
family.

We laugh together,
we pray together,
sometimes we cry together.
So this book is in part a
testimony to the journey
toward blending.

We, therefore, lovingly dedicate this book to:

William and Norma Zonnebelt,
our wonderful parents, who have supported us through the
many challenges;

And our precious children and grandchildren,
Sarah (Zonnebelt-Smeenge) Byrd with her husband Chris
and their children Caleb and Zoe;

Brian De Vries with his wife Marcia;

Christine (De Vries) Hultink with her husband Todd
and their children Hannah and Sophie;

Carrie (De Vries) Geisert with her husband Michael
and their children Elliot, Hayden, and Oliver;

Who have joined us on our journey to become a family
together.

contents

introduction and
acknowledgments

This is the fifth book we have written together since our first spouses died. In our writing and speaking, we present both the psychological and spiritual perspectives on the issues at hand. Three of our books deal with grief following a loved ones death; two of those are for all relationships and one specifically for a surviving spouse. Another book deals with preparing for ones death whether young and healthy or older and ill.

This latest book ventures into some new territory for us in that we are speaking with those who have experienced the loss of a spouse not only through death but through a divorce as well. The primary issues under consideration are how a person redefines himself or herself and reinvests in life in a way that becomes fulfilling and rewarding. Invariably those challenges eventually give rise to the question of whether or not a person wants to begin dating. For some people, remaining single is the preferred option, so we deal with how to fully embrace that lifestyle when your marriage ends. Others may want to date, and from that perhaps enter into another close relationship, and possibly remarry. And if one does remarry we discuss how to blend families in a healthy way.

We want to acknowledge the role that our children and Susans parents have played in birthing this book. This is our collective experiencefor better and sometimes for worse. All of us have attempted to be candid about coming together as a new family. The journey continues even after thirteen wonderfully amazing years of marriage to each other.

We also want to acknowledge our close personal friends whom (wishing to remain anonymous) we call Ed and Jean in this book, and who married each other after both being divorced. They, along with their children (also using pseudonyms), participated in giving shape and a rich substance to this work. Their story is real, challenging, and hopeful.

We appreciate as well the comments in reviewing our manuscript given by our good friends, Doug and Carol Luther. They have also walked the widowed journey and developed a life together after that.

We also want to acknowledge the several hundred people who have participated in the Younger Widowed Support Group through Greater Grand Rapids Widowed Persons Services (MI) that we have facilitated for the past twelve years. We have seen so many of them enter the group filled with grief, fear, and anxiety over the shape of their future only to emerge a year to three years later invigorated by the possibilities of their new life.

We would be remiss if we did not also recognize the dedicated staff of Baker Publishing Group who have provided us with tremendous support and encouragement ever since we began publishing with them in 1998. We especially want to thank Robert Hosack, senior acquisitions editor, with whom we share our visions, dreams, and sometimes frustrations. His faith in our writing and speaking on these topics is greatly appreciated. We also thank Kristin Kornoelje, assistant managing editor of trade books, for helping to give clear voice to our writing.

This book is a testimony to the fact that you can get through your grief after the death or divorce of your spouse. Our hope is that this book will also provide you with valuable information and insights for you to use on your journey toward embracing life fully once again after the significant, life-changing loss of your spouse.

Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, RN, EdD
Robert C. De Vries, DMin, PhD

This book had a thirteen-year gestation period, beginning with our marriage in 1997 and reaching its publication in 2010. We had received numerous requests to write something for those emerging from grief and facing their future. However, we really wanted to include the whole gamut of possibilities and so needed more experience with our own blending in order to write about this topic. We have now walked the road from being widowed, to embracing a single lifestyle, to dating, and then to marrying each other and working at blending our families. Since this book contains so much of our heart and soul, we thought you might benefit from knowing a little more about each of us before you begin reading.

Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, RN, EdD, is a licensed clinical psychologist at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She began her professional life as a registered nurse, eventually teaching nursing. But when her husband, Rick, was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor at the age of thirty, she decided to pursue a doctoral program to become a licensed clinical psychologist in order to provide better stability and financial support for herself, her husband, and their daughter. Rick, who had received multiple prognoses of short-term survival, lived for almost eighteen years, dying in 1994 after twenty-four years of marriage. By then, Susan was forty-six years old, and their daughter Sarah, at the age of eighteen, had just entered college. Rick and Susan never had other children because of the radiation Rick received and his terminal diagnosis.

Robert C. De Vries, DMin, PhD, is an ordained minister in the Christian Reformed Church of North America, a denomination of approximately two hundred thousand members, located primarily in the northern and western regions of the United States and in Canada. His wife, Char, developed ovarian cancer at the age of forty-seven and died three and a half years later in 1993 after twenty-eight years of marriage. Bob was fifty-one years old at the time. They had three childrenBrian, Christy, and Carrieall of whom were emerging adults at the time of their mothers death.