Susan J. R.N. Zonnebelt-Smeenge - The Empty Chair: Handling Grief on Holidays and Special Occasions

Also by the Authors

Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss
of a Spouse

2001 by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries

Published by Baker Books
a division of Baker Book House Company
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.bakerbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2011

Ebook corrections 06.20.2016 (VBN), 02.12.2019

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-5855-8202-0

Scripture quotations identified NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Dedicated with particular appreciation to
William G. and Norma J. Zonnebelt,
wise and loving parents
who have provided continual support
and encouragement
in our writing and speaking on grief issues
Joined on our journey by our children,
Sarah, Brian, Christy, and Carrie,
as we continue to blend our families

Grief, like the aftermath of a forest fire,

is a process of recovery. Dealing effectively

with the holidays while experiencing

the pain of loss through death

necessitates some extra care and attention.

Join us on a journey exploring both

the pain and eventual joy of rebirth.

Contents

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.

All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

Helen Keller

BOTH CHAR AND RICK DIED in the month of October. They were our beloved spouses. We experienced the first holidays soon after the death of our partners. First came Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then Easter, with birthdays, anniversaries, and new seasons intermingled. They were difficult. Bob actually set a place at the table for Char at a holiday gathering for friends only to realize his mistake as the guests took their seats. The extra chair remained empty.

Susan wanted to boycott Christmas the first year but decided she could make it through if she and her daughter, Sarah, planned some specific ways to remember Rick while still attempting to celebrate the holidays. To pay tribute to his memory, they lit a ceremonial candle and looked at family pictures together.

For many people, grief at the holidays is an oxymoron. Holidays are supposed to be happy, fun, joyful, overflowing with bonds of love. Grief casts a painful, somber, dark shadow over the holidays, shrouding the happy memories of past celebrations.

We grieve because we loved. We formed an intense attachment to another person. We became vulnerable, letting the other person deep into our life in intimate ways. Attachments, connections, once the glue that held our life together, have now been broken by death. We yearn to have our loved one close to us again.

We grieve not only for the person who died but for the life we lived with that person. We grieve over the loss of someone who functioned in important ways in our life, who was a companion, who shared the same living space. We remember hugging each other, taking walks or eating meals together, and sharing rich holiday traditions.

Now, that part of who you were together is dead. Your own identity is changing. With respect to that person, you are no longer a spouse, child, sibling, parent, or important friend. You may experience the pain of these changes especially during the holidays.

Holidays are special times of the year when we are drawn to remember those significant people who have died, even if the death occurred several years ago and the memories are pleasant and no longer filled with pain. This book, however, is written particularly for those who have experienced a loss recently and who are still in the pain of their grief. The book is the result of a growing conviction that grieving people are eager to receive support and affirmation during the tough early years following the death of a loved one. This support and affirmation is especially needed during holidays and other special times.

We did not write this book for one specific holiday. Obviously, Christmas is a major holiday that holds a particularly difficult challenge for a bereaved person. Other holidays, however, can be just as difficult, as can be birthdays, anniversaries, or other special days within a family or marriage.

Following the deaths of our first spouses, we (Susan, a registered nurse and licensed clinical psychologist, and Bob, an ordained minister and seminary professor) wrote the book Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcomingthe Loss of a Spouse. We wrote this new book specifically about grief and the holidays because many bereaved people often express the need for a specific resource for dealing with traditionally special occasions.

We are committed to the premise that full resolution of grief is possible through a combination of time and intentional grief work. By resolution we mean that a bereaved person can arrive at a point in life where the emotional pain of the death no longer negatively affects his or her life. Of course, even after reaching a satisfying resolution of grief, the bereaved will likely encounter infrequent firsts such as a graduation, wedding, and so on that he or she will need to face, but those are time specific and do not need to hinder a person from moving into a full and satisfying new phase in life. The bereaved can live with the sense of being finished with grieving, having addressed everything he or she is aware of that can be dealt with at the present moment.

Using our professions, life experiences, and beliefs, we integrate in this book a sound mental health perspective with a spiritual foundation. As Christians, we found strength through our faith in God. We believe that regardless of ones faith perspective, the spiritual component of a persons life, in which the deeper issues and meaning of life are considered, needs to be addressed by the bereaved to resolve grief fully.

At the same time, however, ones faith must not overshadow the need to approach grief from the perspective of sound mental health. How a person deals with his or her emotions, manages the pain of a significant loss, rebuilds a healthy understanding of himself or herself in the context of this loss, and develops a renewed lifestyle is helped by following healthy mental health practices. In this book the spiritual aspects and the mental health perspectives are treated separately so they can be read individually or in coordination with each other.

Each section is divided into three parts. The first part invites you into the journey through reflecting on your personal experiences. Next, you will find specific suggestions from a sound mental health perspective on how to manage your grief during the holidays or on special occasions. The third part contains a Christian meditation and prayer on the issues under consideration.

While this book deals with the very difficult subject of grief, especially in the context of various holidays and other special occasions, the book is also meant to be reflective and celebrative. The more one experiences life, the more one is able to understand that sometimes the choice is not between joy or sorrow, pain or pleasure. The challenge is to find victory in the middle of the battle, see beauty in the context of despair, or experience joy in the middle of ones painand to learn from the experience by constructively reflecting on it.