Laura Petherbridge - When I Do Becomes I Dont: Practical Steps for Healing During Separation & Divorce

To Steve
No one has ever loved me as you do.

and

Carol Young
When I was drowning in sorrow,
God used you to hold my head above the water.

Contents

Introduction:
My Marriage Died, But I Cant Find the Funeral

Acknowledgments

A special thank you ...

To my friend and author Eva Marie Everson for your inspiration and knowledge. You pushed me out of the nest and encouraged me to believe that I could write.

To the remarkable ladies in my writers group: LeAnne Benfield Martin, Laurie Fuller, Nicole Smith, Gloria Spencer, and Ruth Trippy. Im wholeheartedly grateful for your generous gift of hours of critiquing and editing. Your honesty produced a better manuscript and pressed me to do my best.

To the precious ones who shared their painful divorce experiences. Take comfort in knowing your suffering will help others encountering the same sorrow.

To my husband, Steve, for your faith, encouragement, and affirmation.

To faithful friends who prayed for my ministry and this book. Not until heaven will you know the full impact of your devoted prayers.

To Mary McNeil and Susan Tjaden, my editors, and David C. Cook for believing in this book and understanding the pain of divorce.

To God, who extended grace and bound up the wounds of this shattered woman. You alone take something bad and turn it around for the good of others.

Foreword

One of my daughters is a consummate question-asker. From the day she began forming even the simplest words, she has posed a constant stream of the why, what, and how questions.

I love her deeply, but when I get tired, distracted, or just overwhelmed with the nonstop pace of her questioning, you know what happensI tune her out. Mind you, this is not a good parenting technique, and I do my best to avoid it, but it helps me illustrate something youll go through if you are facing separation or divorce.

You, too, will become a fountain of questions, even if you are not wired like my daughter. Important questions. Profound questions. Urgent questions. Imponderable questions.

You will likely find that the people who love you most will begin to tune you out as well. Its not that they dont care, but the sheer number and magnitude of your questions overwhelm them. They also feel ill-equipped to offer answers because the issues are overwhelmingly complex.

Thats why Im glad Laura Petherbridge wrote this book and that you are reading it.

She has carefully cataloged many of the big questions related to separation and divorce and organized them into an easy-to-read and very usable guide to surviving and healing.

Lauras own experience with divorce and her many years of divorce ministry makes her qualified to help answer the questions that are pressing in on you. Youll find wisdom and actionable information in this book. Most important, Laura will show you how to connect with God to find the answers to the questions that only He can answer.

This is a good book to share with the people who love you and are trying to help you. Theyll better understand the pain, pressure, and problems you are facing once theyve read it.

Follow Lauras advice. Shes pointing you toward the kind of healing and recovery that many people never find after divorce. There is hope for your future!

Steve Grissom

Founder and President, DivorceCare

www.DivorceCare.org

Preface

If you are reading this book, chances are youve either found yourself in a dead or dying marriage, or you are close to a loved one facing that situation. And youve probably quickly realized that a world of difference sits between having opinions about separation or divorce and finding yourself in a whole new situation where easy answers play hard to get.

Depending on your unique situation, you may find that some chapters in this book are quite painful to read. Facing a deep sense of loss, for example, is not easy. And most likely you are experiencing financial challenges you never thought youd encountersuch as paying an attorney and working through child-support issues.

Marriage-related suffering will likely cause you to examine what you really believe about God. The author is a Christian; therefore, her source of strength is Jesus Christ. However, you may find yourself asking, Does God exist? Who am I? Why did He allow this to happen to me? How do I cope with forgiveness? Who am I in relationship to God?

But regardless of your religious beliefs, separation and divorce are a perplexing maze. No question you ask is foolish, outrageous, or unique. Family and friends may not understand whats happening, nor the very personal choices youll have to make as you sort out who you are going to beor why.

THE STRUCTURE OF THIS BOOK

This book will help you find healing by sharing answers to questions most frequently asked in divorce-recovery groups. Because the pain associated with divorce is often so severe, a person sometimes cant find the strength to pray. Therefore, the author has included a heartfelt prayer at the end of each chapter. Well address practical issues such as the kinds of losses youre experiencing, the stages of grief and recovery, dealing with an ex-spouse, and more. Weve included beneficial action steps along the way to help you move from discouragement to restoration.

Much of the information is presented in a question-answer format. You may not agree with the answers to every question, and thats expected. Obviously, no one can answer each question perfectly, and every circumstance is somewhat unique. But ask yourself, Why am I rejecting this answer? Is it because I dont want to believe its true?

Please understand that you may need to read a few chapters to find the answer to your inquiry. Many times the way a question is asked determines the chapter in which it appears. However, a question may also fall into more than one category; so if you dont find one similar to yours, keep reading. For example, a problem with childrens visitation could fall into several categories, including children, legal and financial, or the holidays.

As you think through the questions at the end of each chapter, on your own or in a group, youll have an exciting and significant choice to make. Will you wrestle with the deeper issues, or will you gloss over them at a distance? Some of the questions may be easy to answer, but others may touch a deep chord in you that brings tears and causes other raw emotions such as anger and fear to surface. But you will find healingand part of that healing process includes finding people who will love you and stand by you, people you can love and support in turn. Thats the power of community.

Prayerfully consider what God may want to reveal to you through these questions and ensuing discussions. Try to open yourself up to the feedback of others who are also dealing with separation/divorce issues.

Perhaps you will discover that you would benefit from the services of a trained Christian counselor, if you are not already seeing one. If so, dont hold back. God ministers to us in many waysincluding trained professionals. Depression, thoughts of suicide, and issues of low self-esteem are particularly challenging issues.

You may not personally be going through a divorce, but Im almost certain you have a friend, family member, or coworker who is experiencing this loss. Therefore, we have included an appendix for family member and friends.

You may be a pastor or leader in your church who desires to learn what you can do to lower the divorce rate. The inspirational appendix on divorce prevention provides unique insights on why divorce occurs and what your church can do to strengthen the institution of marriage.