Erin J. Stanley - Save Your Marriage System: The Secret to Stop Divorce and Make Your Spouse Want You Back

Marriages have stages that the problems progress through. One stage is that your spouse has come to you and they have told you that they are not happy with the relationship and that things are not working out for them. They did not mention leaving you, but either way, this can be a situation that makes you panic.

How you react to the various problems stages is important, because the idea is to make sure that the relationship can be fixed at this stage and not progress to any of the further stages.

This is the easiest stage to deal with because they are simply telling you that things are not working. They are giving you a chance to fix things. This is a good sign.

The very fact that they are taking the time and effort to bring this to your attention means that they want to save the relationship; they are, in essence, telling you that they want your help to fix things. It would have been very easy for them to just leave you but they did not. Instead, they are speaking up.

This is the easiest stage to recover from because things have not degraded to the point where they are threatening to leave you. At this stage, if you work together, healing can, and usually does, happen.

First, do not panic. Do not dissolve into hysterics and begin to overreact. Remember, they came to you with their concerns rather than just giving up; this is something that should be filling you with hope, not despair.

If you overreact at this stage, it could very well push your spouse into moving into the next stage, where recovering from your problems will be more difficult, but still not impossible.

Panic is natural because whenever our body perceives a threat, in the form of stress, it floods the system with adrenaline. Adrenaline tells you that you need to act quickly, that you need to be prepared to fight or flight, and it puts you on instinct mode.

When you work on instinct, you tend to not use logic and you work strictly off your emotions. The problem is that this tendency to work off your adrenaline is that you make really poor decisions about the best course of action. Stay calm and let reason win out over emotion.

You need to also avoid arguing with your spouse. Arguing does nothing to help your case and it actually works against you. If you become defensive, arguing that your spouse is wrong and that there is nothing wrong and that if there was something wrong, it is more their fault than your fault, you are only going to be causing more problems.

If you want the relationship to work, you need to actively listen to what your spouse is telling you. They are telling you that there is a problem and their concerns are important. If you minimize them or discount them totally, your spouse will feel that they do not matter, and that their wants and needs will not matter and they will stop trying.

Remember, this is your opportunity to save the marriage so do not blow your chance by arguing with them about their opinions and concerns. Now is not the time to start playing the blame game, it is time to start playing the lets fix this together game.

Realize that you had a role in the problems with the relationship. Your spouse is telling you that there is a problem so you can fix it. You cannot become defensive and say that you are not to blame. If things are not working out, you have to realize that you are both to blame and as long as you are both willing to change, things are not in dire straits.

Switch to a mindset that you have room for improvement and be open and willing to grow and change for the sake of the relationship.

This is important and vital. If you are not willing to work on the things that are within your power to change, then there is very little hope about fixing the relationship. Be willing to help yourself be a better person and a better spouse.

You and your spouse need to sit down and talk about working together to save things, working with each other together as a unit and as individuals. Your relationship involves you both, so you both must work toward healing it. Decide to be a team and move forward as a single unit.

There is such a thing as over-talking about the issues. Talking about it is not action and many couples feel that talking about it equals action but that is not the case. You have already opened up dialogue about working together and what needs to be done to help improve things, so just start doing it.

The danger about constantly talking about your relationship is that suddenly, it feels like a chore to be in the relationship. If it feels like too much work, the other person will stop trying.

When you focus only on talking about what needs to be done, all of the little things that matter are pushed aside, like enjoying each others company, being affectionate, and having fun. Talking is not action and the minute you feel it is, you are in the danger zone.

It is dangerous to feel that you need to keep having lengthy discussions with your spouse to fix things. The more you talk about it, the less that actually is done about it.

It is normal to want to analyze, to plan, and to make sure that you are both on the same page, but you can show that you are on the same page by your actions and skip having the same discussion over and over again.