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John Eckenwiler - Shatterproof Your Marriage: What Makes Couples Want to Give Up — and How to Prevent It

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Shatterproof Your Marriage: What Makes Couples Want to Give Up — and How to Prevent It
Author:
John Eckenwiler
Publisher:
Health Communications, Inc.
Genre:
Books / Religion
Year:
2010
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The Road Map to a Marriage That Lasts and a Relationship That Loves Again

Did you ever have a day or moment when you felt that it was time to give up on your marriage? Is there anything you can do so divorce does not happen to you? Marriage and family therapist John T. Eckenwiler has been searching for answers that make sense for the thousands of couples he has counseled over the last twenty years. What he has discovered is that couples can work it out and save their marriages. He has identified three elements that, when absent from a relationship, make couples want to give up, and in this groundbreaking book, you and your spouse can assess and implement these key elements and rebuild your relationship.

The Shatterproof Program promises to:
Uncover the three key elements that can change your marriage forever
Help you grow a depth of love that many couples never experience
Leave no part of your marriage vulnerable
Arm you with all the critical relationship tools youll ever need
Guarantee a revolutionized marriage in a few short months

No problem or life event is too big for your marriage. There is a way back to love and companionship. Loaded with specific advice based on Christian principles, thought-provoking exercises, and real-life case studies, Shatterproof Your Marriage redefines what it means to preserve a marriage and offers the hope, understanding, and tools to recognize, develop, and hone the three essential elements that make a marriage resilient, fulfilled, and most of all, lasting.

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Table of Contents To my wife Peg who has shared a unique journey with - photo 1

Table of Contents

To my wife Peg who has shared a unique journey with me and shown me so much - photo 2

To my wife, Peg, who has shared
a unique journey with me and shown me so
much about the shatterproofing elements
I wrote about in this book.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Several people helped me write this book, probably more than then Several people helped me write this book, probably more than they know. Thanks to Tracy Todd, Ph.D., and my friend John Lane for their early suggestions and encouragement. Their understanding of the marketplace helped shape this work. I want to thank my former professor, Waymon Hinson, Ph.D., and colleague Karin Jordan, Ph.D., for reviewing an early rough draft and making suggestions.

I also want to thank Kirsten, whose story appears in this book more than once (under a pseudonym)who is living proof that the ideas in this book are powerful and life-changing. And finally, thanks to my wife, Peg, for believing in me, believing in my work, and proofreading these pages countless times.

INTRODUCTION

Why another book on marriage? Bookstore shelves are full of them. But none of these books get to the real root of the divorce problem: people do not have the basic elements needed in their marriage to begin with. All marriages must have the right personal character, an understanding of what it is to love for better or for worse, and good habits for identifying problems and solving them effectively. It is ultimately a lack of one or more of these vital elements that creates marital problems and keeps people stuck in them. And all of that character starts with what you believe.

This is what makes or breaks the therapy process in my own secular counseling practice. We live in a society that craves quick fixes, but deep down, people want real answers that will make the difference. The available books simply arent difference-makers. My book is not a quick-fix book of howtos. Instead, its a book full of have-tos with clear directions of how to do them. Its a book that exposes, in clear terms, the internal changes needed for a shatterproof marriage, then shares what those changes will look like when put into action. Its a book that shows the beliefs, attitudes, and actions required when the going gets tough in marriage. And it exposes the three key elements of a shatterproof marriage required to sustain you.

In my more than twenty years as a licensed marriage and family therapist and as an approved supervisor of marriage and family therapy with the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, I can safely say that Ive seen it all. Day after day, I meet with people who have exaggerated expectations, a weak heart of character, and lives based on myths. Their marriages, at least on a bad day, can become a tangled mess. Outside my office are the majority of couples living with a false sense of security in their marriage. Things are relatively stable until life throws them a major curve ball. Most people do not understand the heart needed to rise above many of lifes challenges, so they are unprepared when adversity hits.

Everyone wants to be happy, but exactly what is happiness, and how can we find it and hold on to it? Professionals are recognizing what I am talking about here. In the November/December 2006 issue of Family Therapy Magazine (published by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy), the theme of the magazine was Happiness. Of the five articles, four were wrestling with the above question, and the fifth addressed the importance of character as it related to being happy.

I could not find a self-help book anywhere to recommend to my clients that would really address what is going on within their hearts and, consequently, their marriages! So I decided to write one that cuts to the chase and touches the central nerve of the very problems I see: self-defeating beliefs leading to self-defeating attitudes and behaviors. The broad array of resources I use range from survivor personalities, to oncologists experiences with patients, to psychological literature and the Biblea unique and innovative blending of references. My more than twenty years of clinical experience and real stories of clients corroborate the ideas referenced from other sources. In the last several chapters, we follow one clients progress throughout as I describe specific tools used in marriage therapy. It is all integrated and woven into a single presentation of what it takes to shatterproof your marriage.

With all of the existing guidance out there, the divorce rate in the United States has been staggeringly high for yearsby most estimates, at least 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. The failure rate is still higher for second marriages, which post a 60 to 70 percent divorce rate. Heres another statistic: a 2003 Harris Poll found that fully 90 percent of Americans believe in God. If that is really the case, and if all these books tell people what they need to know, how can we still be having so many failed marriages? Obviously, something is still seriously missing. The divorce problem has been an insidious epidemic for a long time now. Its past the time for treating symptoms and focusing on preventionwhat we all need is an accurate diagnosis and a cure for what is really going wrong. I wrote this book with Christians in mind; however, I really wrote this book for those billions of people who claim allegiance to Christianity.

This book is the difference between a fad diet and a serious lifestyle change. It walks you, from start to end, through virtually all the types of issues I encounter in my clinical practice with typical couples. I give you real solutions to these issues by challenging you to work through the self-defeating attitudes, personality tendencies, past family influences, and expectations that contribute to any hint of vulnerability in your character. This book gives you specific therapy tools used in my clinical practicethe best of the bestafter you wrestle with the challenge of changing your outlook. The primary point of the book is that techniques, a better sex life, new communication skills, enrichment ideas, fads, good researchand even the best how-tos in the worlddo nothing if you do not have the right character to drive your efforts.

As a brief therapist trained to find concrete solutions as quickly as possible, I dont like to waste peoples time with lofty platitudes or catchy quick-fix gimmicks. Therefore, I have designed a number of tools that I use daily and with great success in my clinical practice, and which I share with you. They reflect the sum of my clinical practice combined with all of my professional reading.

Many marital issues seem impossible. Either your spouse is unreasonable or you cant see how a solution can be anything outside of what you have visualized. Obviously, it takes two to tango, but you can dance for a long time even with a clumsy dance partner who steps all over your toes. If necessary, you can choose to be the lead dancer. Ultimately, a marriage is just that. Its the union of two people who care about each other enough to get involved in finding solutions and a meaningful connection. That, along with an open heart, is really all it takes if you have the right direction.

There are three primary elements every marriage must have to become shatterproof. Here are the three elements addressed in this book:

Element #1: The right character Build all personal character based on things you can count on.

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