Debra Holland - The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving

ALPHA BOOKS

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephens Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore, Auckland 1311, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Copyright 2011 by Debra Holland

All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. No patent liability is assumed with respect to the use of the information contained herein. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of information contained herein. For information, address Alpha Books, 800 East 96th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46240.

International Standard Book Number: 978-1-61564-851-1
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2011905827

13 12 11 8 7 6 5 4 3

Interpretation of the printing code: The rightmost number of the first series of numbers is the year of the books printing; the rightmost number of the second series of numbers is the number of the books printing. For example, a printing code of 11-1 shows that the first printing occurred in 2011.

Printed in the United States of America

Note: This publication contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering professional services in the book. If the reader requires personal assistance or advice, a competent professional should be consulted.

The author and publisher specifically disclaim any responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book.

Most Alpha books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. Special books, or book excerpts, can also be created to fit specific needs.

For details, write: Special Markets, Alpha Books, 375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014.

Publisher:Marie Butler-Knight

Associate Publisher:Mike Sanders

Executive Managing Editor:Billy Fields

Senior Acquisitions Editors:Paul Dinas, Brook Farling

Development Editor:Lynn Northrup

Senior Production Editor:Kayla Dugger

Copy Editor:Jan Zoya

Cover Designer:Rebecca Batchelor

Book Designers:Rebecca Batchelor, William Thomas

Indexer:Angie Martin

Layout:Brian Massey

Senior Proofreader:Laura Caddell

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all whove shared their stories and their grief with me. (Ive changed most of your names and some of your circumstances for your privacy.) Youve been the inspiration for this book (not to mention giving me a lot of the content). Ill never forget your loved ones.

Introduction

This is a book about grieving, and for the most part its about the death of someone you care about. But it also covers losses in other areas that still have an emotional impact, such as the loss of a marriage or a job.

If youve picked up this book, its because you have experienced (or are experiencing) grief, or a person you care about is struggling with the loss of someone or something he or she holds dear. First of all, I want to reassure anyone who is mourning: youre not alone, and youre not crazy. The kaleidoscope of feelings youre experiencing is normal.

Because grief is often an unknown reaction, it catches us off guard. Its similar to feelings that weve felt before, such as disappointment or sadness, yet it can be accompanied by even more emotions and reactions. Grief is also different in diverse circumstances. One of the benefits of educating yourself about grief is that sense of relief that comes from knowing what is normal. Being able to identify what youre feeling and why you feel the way you do helps put your feelings into perspective. They arent any less intense, just more understandable.

You can begin your grief recovery right away. That doesnt mean it wont be a long and painful journey. For some, it will be. However, your journey starts with the belief that youll recover, even though right now you may fear you never will. It might feel as if youll be bogged down in grief forever.

The goal of this book is to help you understand grief, so you can find strength during your grief journey, cope, and eventually recover. Youll adjust to the changes within yourself and the changes in your life.

I have been a marriage and family therapist for 25 years, and a corporate grief counselor for 10. In that time, Im heard thousands of people share their grief with me. Ive heard stories that have brought me to tears, and ones that lifted my spirits. Ive been privileged to help so many. Theyve taught me so much.

The grief journey isnt easy. For the majority of people, its probably the most difficult time of their lives. But its not one we can escape. Sooner or later we will lose people, circumstances, and things we love. Those losses will throw us out of balance as we struggle to find our way through the pain and other reactions we feel.

How to Use This Book

The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving is a basic overview of grief, intended to familiarize you with the mourning process so you can understand what you are going through and better cope with the rollercoaster of emotions youre experiencing. Its also helpful for the people around those grieving to better learn how to support them. In addition, this book will provide other resources to enable you to delve deeper into the educational and recovery process.

The book is divided into four parts:

, Loss and Grief, offers an overview of grief, grieving, and loss. Youll learn the reactions you may have when youre grieving, and the challenges you may expect on your journey. Youll learn what youre feeling is normalperhaps painful and horrible, but normal.

, Bereavement, is about deathmostly of people you loveand bereavement. But you can also grieve the loss of co-workers, classmates, friends, neighbors, celebrities, and pets. Youll learn how to (and how not to) support the bereaved.