Dana Shields - Things Ive Learned About Loss

For Mom and Dad, in honor of Jeb.

Jeb was the first Shields family member killed while on active duty in the US Armed Forces since the Civil War.

Copyright 2020 by Dana Shields.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Shields, Dana, author.
Title: Things Ive learned about loss / Dana Shields.
Other titles: Things I have learned about loss
Description: San Francisco : Chronicle Books, [2020]. Identifiers: LCCN 2019051684 | ISBN 9781452181066 (hardcover); ISBN 9781452183886 (epub, mobi)
Subjects: LCSH: Bereavement. | Consolation. | Conduct of life.
Classification: LCC BF575.G7 S475 2020 | DDC 155.9/37dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019051684

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On March 21, 1991, at 7 a.m., I heard my local radio announce that there had been a midair collision between two US Navy P-3 Orion airplanes from Moffett Field in California. My little brother, Jeb, was a naval officer at Moffett. I immediately called Jeb at home and left a message on his voicemail, Hi Jeb, I heard about the crash. I hope you werent on one of the planes. Call me.

I waited for his call all day long. I couldnt focus on work. I called Jebs boss at Moffett Field every hour to see if Jeb had been on one of the planes involved in the crash. Finally, in the late afternoon, Jebs boss informed me that yes, Jeb had been on one of the planes.

Shock is so weird. I felt numb. I felt like a zombie. Everyone around me seemed normal, but my world was in slow motion. It was surreal. I felt like a ghost, slowly floating through my own life. I remember going to the bank and staring at the bank teller. Just staring. And not knowing what to say. She kept asking if I was alright. Eventually, I think I told her, My little brother is dead.

Ten years later, 9/11 occurred. One of the people on the airplanes was a family friend.

To help his parents and siblings get through their tragedy, I wrote them a letter about my experience after losing Jeb and everything I had learned about the process of grieving. It turned into an intimate little folding book, in which the spectrum of emotions experienced during the grieving process was also visually expressed through a spectrum of colors as the book moved from cool blues and purples to angry reds and oranges and, finally, to hopeful greens and yellows. I made several of these tiny books by hand and sent one to each of his family members, along with a tree sapling for them to plant in his memory.

A year later, two more friends lost their husbands, so I sent each of them a copy of my tiny book and a tree sapling. Then their friends who were dealing with loss began asking for my little books. Then their friends friends. I wanted to comfort each of them and let them know that they were not alone, whether they had lost someone to an accident, old age, disease, birth, miscarriage, illness, cancer, suicide, or addiction. I wanted to help them through the painful process of healing. I wanted to let them know that my little book and I were there for them. I wanted them to know that however they felt, it was probably normal. That even if the way they were grieving felt scary, it was probably OK. And that counseling would help; counseling would help them heal faster and make sense of it all. It helped me. Without it, I couldnt have written this book.

This book is a big hug from me to the hearts of those who ache with grief. You are not alone. Its a process we all have to go through in order to come out the other side. It will take time, and maybe asking for help, but it will get better. You will eventually feel hopeful again. And while your life may never be the way it used to be, that will be OK too.

I hope that this book is a comfort to you.

This little book is a hug, from me to you

Ive learned there are different stages of grief. Here are some of them:

shock

sadness

anger

guilt

acceptance

hope

These stages are different for every person and every situation. Sometimes all the stages happen in an hour; sometimes it takes months or years. And they may not all happen. They may not go in order, last equal amounts of time, or have obvious beginnings and endings. Grieving is a strange and confusing process for everyone. It just is.

It was a sunny spring afternoon when I learned about Jebs accident. After I hung up the phone, I felt like I was in a trance. I had just experienced a horrible tragedy. A catastrophe. My heart was imploding. But when I looked around, everything looked normal. The people walking around me, happily chatting in downtown Palo Alto, had no idea that my brother had just died with twenty-six other young men in a horrific plane crash. Their lives were busy. Mine had suddenly stopped. One minute Jeb was flying in an airplane, the next he didnt exist. It was surreal. I just could not believe it. I felt so alone. Lost. Numb.

The next few weeks were a bizarre blur. All I knew was that something had suddenly forever changed. I remember hearing Jebs name called at the Navys memorial service and thinking to myself, Why are they calling Jebs name? Why are there Navy airplanes flying over the ceremony? My brain just couldnt accept the truth all at once. It took between three and six months for it to slowly sink in that he wasnt coming back.

Ive learned these are normal reactions. These feelings of shock, numbness, and incredulity are likely familiar to everyone who has lost someone, whether or not that death was sudden. Maybe our brains know to only feed us a little bit of trauma at a time. Otherwise, the shock of it all at once might be too heartbreaking to withstand.

I had absolutely terrifying nightmares during the first few months after the accident. Gruesome. Id wake up screaming so loudly that Id scare my roommates and neighbors awake.

Ive learned my nightmares were caused by post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and nightmares are common when grieving a disturbing or unexpected loss. With help from counseling, they eventually went away. I cant say enough about getting help from professionals.