Janine Kwoh - Welcome to the Grief Club - Because You Dont Have to Go Through It Alone

workman publishing new york

Welcome to the Grief Club. This club is for those who have loved deeply and lost greatly. And even though there are no magic fixes or ways to speed up or rewind to the part where it's all OK again, we hope there is comfort in community and in knowing that you don't have to go through it alone.

Though our losses and experiences are all unique, there are those of us who get itwe really do. We know what it's like for everything to fundamentally and irreparably change in an instant. We know that grief doesn't come in anything resembling stages, and that you can be OK one moment and sobbing in the grocery store the next. We know that sometimes there's no harder question to answer than "How are you?"

We don't have answers, but we'll listen without judgment or platitudes. We don't have road maps, but it's often less scary to be lost together. And if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, we'll show up waving flashlights until you do, for as long as it takes.

From one card-carrying member to another, I know that ,this is really hard. You will get through this, I promise.

A heartfelt thank you to all of the Grief Club members who shared photos, stories, and memories with me for this book. You are the inspiration for many of the people and examples illustrated in these pages.

Contents

I lost my partner, Nap, when we were both in our late twenties. He was brilliant, curious, and fun-lovingalways the first to hug someone hello and the last to leave the dance floor. In our quieter moments together, he was thoughtful and earnest, and never made me feel like I should be anyone different than who I was. He was flawed and complicated, and one of the most unique souls Ive ever known. He was my friend, my refuge, and a consistent bit of goodness in my life.

Nap died unexpectedly in 2016. He was the first person I loved who died, and I was the only person my age I knew to have lost a partner. The experience of losing him and grieving his death has been harder, longer, more complicated, and lonelier than I could have imagined.

I dont think Ill ever have the words to fully convey what the initial period after he died was like; the best description I can come up with is that it didnt really feel like living. It wasnt just that I had never felt such pain or sadness, but that it didnt seem physically possible to sustain the depth and breadth of emotions that pummeled me relentlessly and in dizzying combinationslonging, guilt, rage, despair, numbness, and fatigueeven as the outside world continued to hum along as usual. It was surreal. It still is. I mercifully dont remember large swaths of that first year without him, but I do remember that I kept thinking I just wanted to catch a glimpse of himat the neighborhood coffee shop or on the other side of the street, anywhereso I could know that he was still in the world, because it was inconceivable that he wasnt.

I often talk about grief as one of the most isolating experiences, despite it being one of the most common. As I write this, it feels like Im straddling two parallel universesthe one in which I am a happy and well-adjusted friend, sister, romantic partner, and business owner; and the one in which I am all of those things but also still bruised and broken in countless invisible places. This second world spills over with memories, ghosts, fears, love, and so much grief that it sometimes still feels impossible and uncontainable, even years later. I cry and laugh and forget and remember, over and over again.

I imagine all of us walking around in our own personal parallel universes with our unseen broken places, wondering if were the only ones. I think its worth opening up our worlds and wounds to one anotherI suspect that they are more similar than we think.

This book is for anyone who has lost someone they care about. Consider this a welcome to the club that no one ever wants to join but so many of us end up needing.

This book is undeniably steeped in my own grief, but its not about me or a retelling of my personal loss. Its about all of the surprising, confusing, brutal, funny, and downright bizarre parts of grief that a lot of us experience but dont often discuss.

This book is about unadulterated grief. Its about bearing witness to the enormity of what has transpired. It acknowledges that theres no way to bypass the hard and painful parts, but also reminds us that we are not alone, even in our darkest moments.

This book is about how grief is a natural response to losing a love, and how we need to give ourselves permission to grieve for as long asand in whichever wayswe need to. It is an assurance that the things we feel that surprise us or seem strange are often common and always valid.

This book is about how grief isnt a hurdle that we eventually overcome, but rather something that we will always carry as part of us. Its about how grief doesnt go away, but tends to soften over time. Its about the messy, slow work of rebuilding a life when the one we had is no longer an option.

This is a book about how humor and joy inevitably fight their way to the surface in the bleakest of times, and how they help us to survive.

This is a book about love.

I wrote this book because its what I wish someone had given me in the depths of my grief. I wrote it because people who had loved and lost before me did tell me some of these things, and their words were a lifeline. I wrote it because the world went maddeningly on after Nap died, and I want everyone who reads this to know he existed, and that he mattered.

I wrote this book because I believe there is power in standing in your storythe whole storyand comfort in seeing parts of your story reflected in those of others. Writing it made me feel less lonely. I hope reading it does the same for you, and that it brings some nods of recognition, a smile and even a few laughs, and a spot of comfort in hard times.

I wish there was an instruction manual for grief. I wish I could share step-by-step directions that tell you exactly what to do next, and that you could flip to the last page to see what its supposed to look like at the end. But this would be impossible, since each experience of grief is unique.

So, this book is not a how-to guide on grief. Rather, it is a collage of experiences and perspectives Ive gathered over the years, both hard-won through my own loss and from other Grief Club members who have generously shared with me. It also draws from and builds upon the grief work of other writers, artists, and professionals (for credits/sources, please visit workman.com/griefclub). I fully expect that this book will fall short of capturing the entirety of anyones experience, but I hope that everyone can recognize some of themselves in its pages.