Hutt Jennifer Koppelman - Whateverland: learning to live here

Whateverland

Copyright 2011 by Alexis Stewart and Jennifer Koppelman Hutt. All rights reserved

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Published simultaneously in Canada

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Stewart, Alexis, date.
Whateverland : learning to live here / Alexis Stewart and Jennifer Koppelman Hutt. 1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN 978-0-470-90758-0 (cloth; alk. paper); ISBN 978-1-118-10193-3 (ebk);
ISBN 978-1-118-10194-0 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-10195-7 (ebk)
1. Life-skillsHandbooks, manuals, etc. I. Hutt, Jennifer Koppelman, 1970 II. Title.
HQ2037.S74 2011
646.70082dc23

2011026139

Thanks in advance to my mother for not getting angry about anything written in this book.

Alexis

To Jacob and Raquel: You two are my reason for being. Youre both really cute, and I love you like crazy.

To Keith: I know you dont love public displays of affection, but I love you and cherish you. And because you love all of me, I know I can accomplish anything I want to do. Thank you for picking up the slack for this very flawed working mother. I love you!

To my dad, Charles Koppelman: Thank you for everything. I love you.

To my mom, Bunny Koppelman: I miss you every single day. I hope you can read my book wherever you are. Love you.

Jennifer

whatever

relative pronoun and adjective used to emphasize a lack of restriction in referring to any thing or amount, no matter what.

exclamation used to express skepticism or exasperation.

The New Oxford American Dictionary

whatever [ hwuht -EV-er]

Used in an argument to admit that you are wrong without admitting it so the argument is over. Passive-aggressive behavior at its most eloquent. A polite and less vulgar alternative to Fuck You. Uttered in a derisive and dismissive tone, in response to a confrontation or accusation which has been judged to be unimpressive, obnoxious, or disingenuous. Often used to dismiss someone when it is clear that rational discussion would be a waste of time and energy. I dont care. Word used by Americans to connote a feeling of apathy.

UrbanDictionary.com

Introduction

Were Not Qualified to Give Advice, but We Give It Anyway

Youre not the only one whos crazy and full of shame. We are, too.

Alexis lightens the blow of her caustic personality by presenting new acquaintances with baked goods. While the rest of the world sleeps, Alexis bakes, cleans, or organizes, but she rarely consumes the fruits of her labor. In addition to being an insomniac, Alexis is obsessive about nutrition and exercise and, in the eyes of some people, pathologically oversexualized. So far, all of these issues have worked in her favor. She is highly productive, is superfit, and has never wanted for an orgasm.

Although New York magazine accused Alexis of being Marthas id, she is in reality much more than that: a voracious reader, a contentious cultural critic, and as much a devotee of Andy Rooney as of Andy Borowitz. Alexis has owned a series of businesses, all of which, unfortunately, eventually bored her. And although her mothers television show used to bore her as well, she really likes lampooning it with Jennifer.

For a long time Jennifer wouldnt look at her weight when she got on the scaleshe paid a stranger to tell her whether she was down or up. Jennifer has a frighteningly comprehensive collection of Hello Kitty merchandise and an obsessive fear of flying. She is a self-congratulatory teetotaler who wears her emotions on her sleeve. When Jennifer doesnt hear from her husband for an hour, she worries that hes been hurt or incapacitated or that hes dead. She is an attorney, a notary, and a full-time mother of two children whose faces she wont allow to appear on the Internet. Jenny is brave enough to discuss her personal grief about losing her mother to pancreatic cancer in front of millions of people but is incapable of blow-drying her own hair (she can, however, rock a curling iron like the best of them).

Dolly Parton told Jennifer shed be a star, Barbra Streisand was practically her aunt (Jennifers father has been in the music business for fifty years), and she can sing and dance almost as well as many on Broadway. But Jennifers best talent is her ability to connect with virtually anyone by using her charm, pathos, and self-deprecating humor. Everyone agrees that Jennifer would have been an excellent shrink, but who wants to deal with the proximity to blood and bodily fluids that medical school requires?