Alexis Pacheco - THE COACHS WIDOW: A Young Wifes Journey through Grief

A Ring and the Rock

I

tried not to allow this shift in our relationship to trouble me, so I kept busy with my thesis and stayed focused on my health. I reminded myself that I made a commitment to Jorre. When he first told me that his calling was to be a football coach, he explained to me the sacrifice involved. We talked about the long hours that would consume a portion of our relationship, and he made no qualms about moving from place to place as a potential coachs wife. He made it clear: if I wanted to be with him, I had to accept that moving away from home was inevitable and that may even mean moving out of the state one day, because his ultimate goal was to become a collegiate football coach.

I wrestled with this for a bit, and I even questioned if this was what I wanted. I felt as though he were asking me to put my goals and aspirations aside to follow his dreams, and I wasnt sure how I felt about that. I wanted to teach at a university, and eventually, I hoped to somehow work for a church in some sort of ministry. I didnt quite understand how my dreams fit into his, and that concerned me.

I expressed these concerns with Jorre, but he was adamant: if I were to commit to him as a potential coachs wife, I was committing myself to the world of coaching and its peculiar lifestyle. I had to accept it or decide to move into a different direction. The bottom line was that I loved Jorre, and I was willing to make the sacrifices expected of me if I were to stay with him.

I decided that the stress of his careerbetween teaching, coaching, and the long hourswere taking a toll on him during this football season. I could do nothing to help that stress subside except be supportive. I convinced myself that he struggled with worries I couldnt understand, and I knew that sometimes he was a tough shell to crack when it came to untangling how he felt. I simply shrugged off the unsaid words and looked forward to when the season would end.

My health continued hurdling on a downhill slope. My cardiologist explained to me that my job was taking a toll on my heart and that it was unlikely I would feel better. I discussed this with my parents and Jorre, and after praying for direction, I decided to leave my position as a recruiter at the university in December 2015 after I completed my masters degree. My parents thought it best that I take some time off to rest, focus on my health, and choose another career path that may be more suitable for my body.

I noticed that Jorre softened, and he was more like himselfthe jovial, huggable teddy bear with the boisterous laughter. Football season was nearing its end, and for that, I was grateful. The long drives to Barton were wearing on me, and I hoped the end of the season would sever his stress. He was no longer simply present when I was with him on the weekends; he was invested in me again. We laughed more, we joked more, and he became more affectionate toward me. I felt silly for internally accusing him of being unhappy with meor somethingwithin our relationship.

One of the highlights we both looked forward to was the new Star Wars movie scheduled to debut in December. Id never met someone else who loved Star Wars as much as I did, and Id never met a man who admired the fact that I obsessed over it. To say that we were excited about Episode VII was an understatement, as it would be our first Star Wars movie to experience together for the first time.

When December rolled around, I not only looked forward to the movie but also to receiving my masters degree and stepping away from my job. I knew life changes were ahead, and although I was afraid, I had faith that God had a purpose. But first things firstStar Wars.

December was also the month of the high school football state championship games in Little Rock, and Jorre never missed any of the games in any year. It was a hobby and a tradition for him. Even though I was ready for a break from football by December, I joined him for the games. Star Wars was put on the back burner for the championships, and I was, quite frankly, annoyed. But I knew the drillfootball firstand I wasnt going to argue. However, I made him promise that on Sunday after church, hed take me to a theater to see the movie.

I swear, Lex. Ill take you to see the movie on Sunday. You have my word.

That weekend, I made the drive to Bauxite, where we stayed with his parents when he visited, and suddenly, I fell ill. I sneezed, I coughed, and eventually, I ran a fever. I was absolutely miserable.

Jorre, theres no way I can go to the games with you this year. Im too sick. Youre going to have to go without me.

At first, he protested leaving me, but I knew how much watching the games meant to him, and I wanted him to go and enjoy himself.

Besides, you take care of me all the time when Im sick. This is normal people sick. Ill take acetaminophen and ibuprofen to keep my fever down, Ill sleep, and Ill be fine. Dont worry. Its been a long few months for both of us, and you need to go and enjoy yourself.

Reluctantly he went, and I camped out at his house. I felt like I slept for days, and I was afraid that Star Wars would have to wait until the following weekend. I wanted to be at home in my own bed. The games were a day and night affair, and I did nothing except sleep throughout them all.

When Sunday arrived, the fever was no longer persistent, yet my body had been fighting it off, and I was absolutely spent. We decided to forgo church that morning due to my predicament. I was exhausted, and I made the decision that morning to head home.

I drug my bag down the stairs, and as I stopped in the living room, I could hear Jorre discussing something quietly in the kitchen. I wasnt a nosy person, so I did my best to look inconspicuous. I decided to fake a cough to let him know I was in earshot. Jorre scurried around the corner, his broad shoulders coming into view with a smile on his face.

Lex, I know you dont feel well, but what do you think about going to Cracker Barrel for breakfast?

I dont know, Jorre. I feel terrible. I think Im going to head home and get some rest. I think I should go to the doctor tomorrow and get some antibiotics.

Come on, Lex, I promiseyou might feel better after we eat some breakfast. Plus, you love Cracker Barrel. I considered thishe was right. I hardly ever turned down Cracker Barrel, especially their breakfast.

I sighed. OK, but if Im not feeling any better after breakfast, Im probably going home.

I struggled through breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Though I didnt have much of an appetite, I ate anyway, only because I had a hard time passing up a good meal. My body ached all over, and I felt fever rising to my cheeks. Once we finished devouring our food, I wanted to do nothing more than bundle up in my bed beneath a mound of blankets. I knew driving home would be a difficult feat.

I turned to Jorre. What do you think about seeing Star Wars next weekend? Im so tired, Jorre. I think I should head home in a few minutes.

I studied his face. He looked like he was nearing panic.

Noooo! he said emphatically. No, I promised you Id take you tonight. Plus, Ive been waiting to see this movie with as much anticipation as you. Come on, Lex. Lets go see it tonight. I didnt spend much time with you this weekend, and I want to see the movie with you this evening.

I dont know, Jorre...

LexPLEASE. It was almost begging at this point. Lets go home, well take a nap, theres medicine at the house, and youll feel betterI PROMISE. You wont even remember you felt bad when the movie starts. PLEASE, Lex, please.

Good grief,