Kilmartin - Dead People Suck: a Guide for Survivors of the Newly Departed

Much of the advice in Dead People Suck is terrible and some of it is probably illegal. My sincere hope is that it helps you, the griever, pass time in the subway or on the toilet. The fact that our loved ones die at all is an outrage that should be addressed by Congress or the Justice League. I am desperate to see my dad again, so Im counting on there being a robust, post-death afterlife. If theres not, I will be livid. And then I will be dead.

All jokes aside, I wish you didnt need to read this book and I am sorry for your loss.

Laurie Kilmartin

I knew it was coming. With every phone call, every visit home, my dad seemed older. Then one day, he was elderly. Hard of hearing, slow, shaky. All those things that happen to old people when theyre about to d

Stop. Are you about to write die?

Yes.

No! Not my dad.

Whose then?

But I still need him.

Youve had him for 47 years. Thats not bad.

But Im not successful yet, Im not married. Im a renter. He cant die while Im still a renter!

Im sorry. Its time.

But hes only 82!

Is that person in italics you? Because it was me, in July 2013, when my 82-year-old father was diagnosed with end-stage lung cancer. And it was still me in February 2014, when he went into hospice.

Now, Ive been aware of Death for a long time. I cried when Death took Bambis mom and cheered when it took Jaws. I was 12 when Death took one grandparent and grown when it came for another. And yet, part of me believed that my dad would always be alive. Okay, not part. All. All of me believed my father was death-proof. That he and I would keep chugging along, with him always being 35 years older than me. Me 60, Dad 95. Me 70, Dad 105. Me 80, Dad, the oldest man in the world. It really seemed like a viable option. Then, that thing that happens to everyone happened to me.

My dad died.

If we are lucky, our nuclear family expands for a few decades. Siblings get married, bringing in-laws and kids, siblings get remarried, bringing new in-laws and step-kids. The holidays turn into huge affairs. Family photos are standing room only, with our parents sitting proudly in the center. Then, one day the contraction begins. Nature or God brings out the ax and starts chopping off the oldest branches of our family tree.

Thats the best-case scenario, everyone dying in the reverse order they were born.

This book is not about a young death or a tragic death, those waters are too deep. This book is about old people dying, as expected, of old-people causes. Specifically, its about cancer, hospice, funerals, grief, well-meaning friends, and how shocking it is to be parentless, for the first time, at 48.

The book answers questions like:

Q: Do my friends really care that my 88 year old mother died?

A: Yes, for 20 minutes. Then they think, Well, she had a nice, long life, and go about their day, hoping you dont mention it again.

Q: Are there any rules when it comes to administering morphine?

A: The sick person gets the most, the family gets the rest.

Q: Can I shame my dying loved one into living longer?

A: Absolutely. On the 8th of Dads 10 days in hospice, I introduced my (then) boyfriend, who is African-American, to Dad. After the boyfriend left, I said, Dad, if you die today, people will think you are racist. Dad laughed and lived two more days, and I credit my ex for that.

Q: How can I make sure my moms ashes dont fall off the mantel?

A: You cant. Between earthquakes, fracking, and a childs temper tantrum, no mantel can be trusted. Thats why the safest place to store ashes is directly in a vacuum cleaner. Theyre going to end up there anyway, so buy a nice one. Didnt your mom always want a Dyson?

Q: Is it ok to be attracted to the soldier who plays Taps at your dads funeral?

A: Yes. while working through grief, you can count on your genitals to lead the way.

Q: Speaking of genitals, after a lifetime of avoiding them, is hospice the time where I will accidentally see my fathers?

A: Probably. Dying is messy and often involves diapers.

Q: When my dads parents died, he wasnt as upset about losing them as I am about losing him. Why?

A: When your parent was a child, corporal punishment was legal and popular. In 1934-35, when my dad was four years old, my grandmother introduced him to a retired Army general. For reasons Dad was never able to explain, he looked the general dead in the eye and said damn. Then he ran for his life. grandma tore off after him. When she caught him, she dragged him to the bathroom and washed his mouth out with soap. Growing up, I heard about that one instance more than I ever heard about his time in combat during the Korean War. So Im not surprised Dad went back to work the day after grandma died. When I get a drop of shampoo in my mouth in the shower, Im nauseous for hours. If my dad had ever done that to me, this book would be called Good Riddance.

Q: While watching TV, my dying loved one said, I like this show, then slipped into unconsciousness. Can I rouse him, so his last words are more eloquent?

A: Please dont, disappointment awaits. The next thing out of his mouth could be, Who are you? Quotable last words are rare. Dying people have enough on their plate, we shouldnt pressure them to be profound. Besides, I like this show may have been a comment on his life, not Judge Joe Brown.

Q: Do I correct someone who posts, Condolences on loosing your father?

A: No. Reply, Thank yoou and be grateful they didnt write youre father.

HOW MY DAD ENDED UP DEAD

Our familys story isnt remarkable. Ron and JoAnn Kilmartin married in 1957, and they had two daughters. My name is Laurie. Im a staff writer on CONAN and a standup comedian. My sister Eileen is a psychiatrist (not to be confused with