Laurie Kilmartin - Sh*tty mom: the parenting guide for the rest of us

Sh*tty Mom is the ultimate parenting guide, written by four moms who have seen it all. Its about how to survive babies, and what they grow into: children. As hilarious as it is universal, each chapter presents a common parenting scenario with advice on how to get through it in the easiest and most efficient way possible. With chapters such as How to Sleep Until Nine A.M. Every Weekend and When Seeing an Infant Triggers a Mental Illness That Makes You Want to Have Another Baby, as well as a Sh*tty Mom quiz, this is a must-have, laugh-out-loud-funny book for the sh*tty parent in all of us.

THE PARENTING GUIDE FOR THE REST OF US

LAURIE KILMARTIN
KAREN MOLINE
ALICIA YBARBO
MARY ANN ZOELLNER

ABRAMS IMAGE, NEW YORK

To our moms: JoAnn Kilmartin, Gloria Moline,
Irene Ybarbo, and Ann Knight

Published in 2012 by Abrams Image
An imprint of ABRAMS

Copyright 2012 Laurie Kilmartin, Karen Moline, Alicia Ybarbo, and Mary Ann Zoellner

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, mechanical, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

The material contained in this book is presented only for entertainment and artistic purposes. The authors and publisher do not accept any responsibility for any liability, loss or risk, personal or otherwise, incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, from any information or advice provided in this publication. (Seriously, its one thing to be a Sh*tty Mom, its another thing to blame your sh*tty parenting on us.)

Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for and may be obtained from the Library of Congress.

ISBN: 978-1-4197-0459-8

Editor: Jennifer Levesque
Designer: Kara Strubel
Production Manager: Erin Vandeveer

Abrams Image books are available at special discounts when purchased in quantity for premiums and promotions as well as fundraising or educational use. Special editions can also be created to specification. For details, contact specialsales@abramsbooks.com or the address below.

115 West 18th Street
New York, NY 10011
www.abramsbooks.com

This book would not have come to be were it not for the brilliant insights of the indefatigably wondrous Yfat Reiss Gendell. Her stellar team at FoundryStephanie Abou, the foreign rights director; Rachel Hecht, the foreign rights associate; and editorial assistants Cecilia Campbell Westlind and Erica Walkerwas also invaluable. Much gratitude is owed to the incomparable Madeleine Morel, who brought us to Yfat and made this partnership possible.

We were lucky to find a kindred spirit in our editor at Abrams, Jennifer Levesque. Her teammanaging editor David Blatty, art director Sarah Gifford, designer Kara Strubel, and publicist Claire Bamundoare consummate professionals.

Many thanks as well to the fantastically imaginative Christoph Niemann, whose cover illustration brought Sh*tty Mom to life.

We would also like to thank the following:

Laurie Kilmartin:

Thanks to my dad, Ron, my kid (name withheld so he can distance himself from me), and the sitters, Klare and Kathleen. Neither of the babysitting chapters is about you.

Karen Moline:

My magical son, Emmanuel, for giving me countless new ways to mess up. Thanks to Sara, Kassaundra, and Diane, the babysitters whose college loans are now smaller because of the many hours they put in, and moms deluxe Deborah Feingold, Maggie Alderson, and Eve Blouin, who bring laughter into our world even when life isnt always funny.

Alicia Ybarbo:

My partner in parenting, Mark Zimmerman: you are such a loving husband and father. I thank you and love you. And to Goose and Scootie: nothing makes me happier than being your mommy.

Mary Ann Zoellner:

My husband, Alexander; and my two little girls, Beanie and Pinkie. Your humor, support, and love make each day better than the last.

Children.

They want everything you have, and they want it now. They dont care about ruining your abs or killing your sex life, and they sure as hell dont give a shit that you only slept four hours last night. Kidsand their proto-versions, babiesdont care about the mortgage, saving for retirement, or the way they add six inches to the length of your breasts. They want you to quit your job and pay attention to them. Babies hate your friends, and they wish you would take that damn dog to the poundpreferably one that euthanizes. Any person, physical need, or dream that pulls focus for even five seconds is their natural enemy and must be crushed with loud, endless cries.

If thats not bad enough, babies are also completely helpless. They have soft spots and weak necks. They cant run from predatorsin fact, they cant even throw a frozen dinner in the microwave. You would think that any creature so dependent on others for survival would be grateful to their parents and/or guardians.

Not babies.

Selfish and suicidal, babies try to kill themselves twenty-four hours a day. They reach for knives, lick the Lysol bottle, and roll over on their stomachs at night. Every morning, babies call each other on the phone to discuss new ways to get you into trouble with Child Protective Services. In their secret Yahoo e-mail group, the lead baby will write, Stick your tongue on an electric outlet, and the follower babies will chime in with the best ways to do it. They are the animal kingdoms most mean-spirited young. When you bring one home from the hospital or an orphanage in China, never forget that your babys only goal in life is to ruin you.

Sh*tty Mom is about how to survive babies, and what they grow into: children. Sh*tty Mom is about shortcuts and parenting with 40 percent effort. Its about doing a half-assed job, but doing it well enough so that no one but you notices. Its about not letting that baby win every battle.

Are you a Sh*tty Mom?
Take our quiz.

* Did you hate kids before you had one?

* Do you hate them even more now (except yours)?

* When people say, Being a mom is so exhausting, do you think, Not the way I do it?

* Are you willing to sacrifice some of your childs happiness so you can sleep for another hour?

* Do you ignore any pediatricians orders that you dont agree with?

* Does your kid have to have a fever above 100 degrees before youll keep him home?

* If your kid does have a 100-degree fever, do you debate raising the keep him home fever ceiling to 101 degrees?

* If you accept the premise that there are two kinds of moms at the park, Plays with Her Children Mom and Texts from the Bench Mom, then are you the latter?

* If you had to choose between a babysitter who:

a) plays with your children but arrives late

b) ignores your children but arrives on time, would you choose