Isolina Ricci - Moms House, Dads House

Praise for the New Edition

For seventeen years, I have insisted that hundreds of my clients read and use Moms House, Dads House, the Dr. Spock of joint parenting books. The revised edition... is a must-have resource manual.

Joel Edelman, lawyer, mediator, counselor, and author of The Tao of Negotiation

This is an upbeat, wise, eminently practical guide for divorcing parents... and... the professionals who help them. Highly recommended.

Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D., author of Second Chances

In seventeen years of family practice, Ive given many books to my parent clients, but none helped them heal like Moms House, Dads House. If you want to strengthen the heart of your family... and come out of the divorce process a stronger, wiser, and more peaceful parentthis book is your friend.

John Kydd, family law attorney and past president, Association of Family and Conciliation Courts

This is a wonderful book. In clear and eloquent language, Isolina Ricci charts a constructive course for divorcing parents. The chief benefactors of this modern classic will be the children.

Richard Louv, author of Childhoods Future and The Web of Life

This book should be a required textbook for every divorcing parent. If both parents would read even designated portions and have meaningful dialogue, it could result in the substantial reduction of stress in what is very often the most difficult period in ones life. At the same time it could help avoid or reduce the traumatic effects that divorce usually causes to the children.

Michael J. Ostrow, president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers

Moms House, Dads House is sensible, sensitive, and amazingly comprehensive: an invaluable resource from a pioneer in this field.

Riane Eisler, author of The Chalice and the Blade and The Partnership Way

Moms House, Dads House is a wonderful resource for parents before and after separation, providing guidance about how to maintain their roles as parents so as to minimize the effect of the separation on their children. This book gives parents a road map of the problems which can arise, how to resolve them, and, indeed, how to avoid them.

Justice Donald B. King, California Court of Appeal, retired

I SOLINA R ICCI , P H .D., whose breakthrough work twenty-two years ago resulted in the first edition of Moms House, Dads House , is a licensed family therapist, educator, and mediator who now heads the statewide office of Family Court services for the California judicial branch. Her latest book is Moms House, Dads House for Kids .

A TOUCHSTONE BOOK

Published by Simon & Schuster New York

Cover design by Timothy Hsu

Cover photograph by Marc Tauss

Register online at www.SimonandSchuster.com for more information on this and other great books.

TOUCHSTONE

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Copyright 1980, 1997 by Isolina Ricci

All rights reserved,

including the right of reproduction

in whole or in part in any form.

T OUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Designed by Irving Perkins Associates Inc.

Art by Suzanne Bean Design

Art on pages 1, 28-34 copyright 1997 by Isolina Ricci

Art on pages 57, 79, 84, 157, 255, 329 copyright 1997 by Suzanne Bean Design

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Ricci, Isolina.

Moms house, dads house : a complete guide for parents who are separated, divorced, or

remarried / Isolina Ricci. [2nd ed.]

p. cm.

A Fireside book.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

1. Children of divorced parentsUnited StatesHandbooks, manuals, etc. 2. Joint custody of childrenUnited StatesHandbooks, manuals, etc. 3. Single-parent familyUnited StatesHandbooks, manuals, etc. 4. StepparentsUnited StatesHandbooks, manuals, etc. I. Title.

HQ777.5.R53 1997

306.89dc21

97-29867

CIP

ISBN-13: 978-0-684-83078-0
ISBN: 978-1-4767-4722-4 (eBook)

ISBN-10: 0-684-83078-7

I am deeply grateful to the many people who have contributed in different ways to the writing of this second edition. Some of these people are given specific mention here or in the notes; still others left unmentioned know of my gratitude. This edition is richer because of their generosity.

I am indebted to Joel Edelman, Carole Roder-Esser, Emily Brown, Francis Still, Peter Maida, Karen Raiford, Judge Susan Snow, Judge Douglas McNish, Judge Mary Ann Grilli, John Kydd, Deborah Pontisso, and Bill Hilton for their wise and incisive reviews at the different stages of the manuscript. I am grateful to Reva Wiseman and Edwina Norton for their suggestions in the early stages of the revisions; to Kira Menniger for her help with readings for parents; to my attorney, Noel Silverman, for his wise counsel; to my editor at Simon & Schuster, Caroline Sutton, for her support and encouragement; and to Amber Turner for her creative work in the early stages of the line drawings. My thanks also go to my fine staff of the California Statewide Office of Family Court Services, at the Administrative Office of the Courts, California Judicial Council, who expertly held the reins of the office during my leave of absence to write this edition.

A special thanks goes to Suzanne Bean Design for rendering the line drawings that grace this edition and to Althea Lee Jordan for her patient and clearheaded reviews. A special thanks to Arlene Halligan, my administrative coordinator, for her steadfast support and aid; to Jennie Pryne Heckman for her support with the notes and review of the research; and to Maureen Crist for her incisive editorial consultation in the last stages of the project. My most special thanks go to Kathleen Erickson, a wonderful editor and friend, who coached and inspired me while guiding this edition with grace, humor, and insight.

Finally, I want to thank all the parents who brought their courage, ingenuity, and love for their children to the task of reorganizing their lives and who shared their experiences with me. They are the ones who make this all work.

This book is dedicated to my students, my clients, my open family of relatives and friends, my childrens other family, and most especially to those in my own familymy parents; my brother and his family; and my children, Cindy, Eric, Beth, Andrew, Amy, and their families.

There is a special kiss for each of my grandchildren, Jesse, Tracie, Zoe, Michael, Marcus, Caroline, Mackenzie, David, Andrew Jr., and Rachel.

This book is my friend.

A parent

T HIS is the second edition of Moms House, Dads House. It is an expanded and revised step-by-step guide for people who are dealing with the difficult and often heartbreaking experience of ending an intimate relationship and the effects of this on their children. Ready or not, parents face a tremendous number of critical decisions that will affect them and their children for years to come. As you go through the process of reorganizing your life, this book offers ways to help make good decisions: those that can make the crisis work for you, help your children to adjust, and help to keep you both as active parents.

Like the original, this edition is designed to be a friend and companion to the reader. As a reference guide, it is practical, easy to use, and comprehensive. It adds sixteen more years of experience to the original edition adding new approaches and expanding and updating concepts that have stood the test of time. The first edition, published in 1980, has been used by people from all walks of life, in different countries, with various family circumstances and professional practices. This edition can be used by parents with all types of custody and living arrangements, including those who are unmarried and parenting solo.