Table of Contents
I wont tell you that its going to be easy. Divorce is complicated and confusing. Right now theres probably nothing you want more than to help your children through this difficult time. The good news is you dont have to put your crisis on hold while you search for answers. Parenting Apart offers parents like you quick access to the information you most need at a time when you need it most.
Use this go-to resource in whatever way feels most comfortable. You dont have to read the chapters in any specific order. Instead you can pick and choose the sections that address issues you are dealing with right now. This book will provide you with the tools to stabilize moments, take action, and successfully parent your kids through family change, rather than just survive the experience.
Most Berkley Books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. Special books, or book excerpts, can also be created to fit specific needs.
For details, write: Special Markets, The Berkley Publishing Group, 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.
We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.
UNKNOWN
To my family. Thank you for always reminding me that keeping it together To isnt nearly as important as what you have when youre together.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Over the years my career has developed in ways I never imagined possible, and it has been an amazing journey. Of course, it has not been a road I have traveled alone, and absolutely none of it would have been possible without the love, support, guidance, and inspiration of many to whom I am immensely indebted.
If it takes a village to raise a child, Im pretty sure the amount of support I have received could have easily filled up a small island somewhere off the coast of Indonesia. Special accolades to islanders: Anne Durand, my superb life coach for consistently reminding me self-care was not something I just got to write about. Betsy Landau, who helped me find my voice as a writer and shape my words while giving me the honest feedback I needed to be a better writer. Amazing graphic designer, Josh Seaton, youre as patient as you are talented. Thank you being available on a moments notice and so darn delightful to work with. My good mate, Sam Whittaker, for buying the first advance copy of my book and also setting in motion a chain of events that massively changed the scope of my work. Hats off to my longtime friend, respected colleague, and copresenter David Hays, who has graciously tolerated my endless stream of crazy ideas and helped me find ways to bring them to life. Merci beaucoup to James Pirrie, brilliant visionary and kind soul, for reading my work when requested, brainstorming ideas ad nauseam and helping me carry my vision across the pond.
An additional note of thanks to the members of the Parenting After Parting Committee and the family law organization Resolution, for embracing the value of supporting separating families. You have been an outstanding group to work with over the past three years. To the late Richard Austin, who was both a dear friend and admired mentor, I continue to be extremely grateful for our paths crossing.
Without a doubt the last five years have been completely mind-blowing. I dont think I could have survived without the unrelenting support of the vivacious and talented Catherine Noyes. Not only are you one damn good publicist, but you have a gusto for life that constantly keeps me inspired. Thank you for always finding ways to help me put my very best self out there while celebrating every single moment of the journey. I feel extremely blessed to have you in my corner as both a dear friend and colleague.
To those bold and beautiful ladies who have taken me from writing novice to published author, thanks to Anna Power with Johnson Alcock and Jennifer Weltz with JVLNA. An additional note of immense gratitude is offered to Merel Reinink who first approached me about putting together a book proposal. Even though I was pretty sure I wasnt a writer, thankfully she saw something I didnt.
For taking this project from proposal to print, I am very grateful to the folks at Berkley Books and Penguin. Special thanks to Denise Silvestro for honoring my vision and going to bat for me when she didnt have to. Special recognition also goes to Meredith Giordan for always leaving detailed messages, being relentless about returning my calls, and patiently answering each and every one of my questions (by the way, there were lots).
Special warm fuzzies go to all those friends both near and far who have kept me going throughout this process, particularly Laura Engelland for offering sincere feedback and giving thoughtful consideration to every idea I tossed her way. Thanks, Kayleigh Babin, for saving my children from a fate worse than deathdying of summer break boredom while their mother stayed chained to her desk writing.
To the parents and children I have worked with over the years, it has been both a privilege and an honor to join each of you on your individual journeys. Thank you for trusting in me and providing me the opportunity to receive as much or more than I gave.
A heartfelt thanks to my family, Jennifer, John, Kati, and Carson, Teresa, my parents Nancy and Gordon Penny and Gene Cole. I dont know that there are enough words to describe how very blessed I feel for the many ways each of you have added to my life. Were not the most conventional lot, but of course, I wouldnt have it any other way.
A special note of thanks to my mother, Nancy Penny, who has waited a very long time to see these words in print. Mama, I owe it all to you!
Last but certainly not least, to my incredible husband, Scott, and our four very cool yet uniquely different children, Ryan, Raegan, Madison, and Emmalee. Thank you for putting up with long hours, trips away from home, endless amounts of brainstorming, tweaking, and retweaking, wisdom talk and my general preoccupation with the written word for the past year. Thank you. Your love, dedication, and support means everything to me.
INTRODUCTION
Sarah, who had been separated for several months, was the mom of two young boys, Dillon and Thomas. Although she thought of herself as a good parent and an educated person, there were so many things she didnt feel prepared to deal with. She regularly struggled with a mixture of guilt and self-doubt, especially where her kids were concerned. The boys were having such a hard time, and when their dad didnt show up for his scheduled time with them, the children were absolutely devastated. Talking to her ex about the situation didnt do any good. They usually just ended up getting into another fight. More than anything, Sarah wanted to know if she was making the right choices for her boys, and if she wasnt, she wanted to know what she should be doing differently. She simply didnt know where to turn.
The information she had been able to find surfing the net was somewhat helpful but most of it ended up being too vague. The bookstore had a few resources; however, finding the time to read a book cover to cover seemed virtually impossible. Thank goodness Sarah was fortunate enough to have the support of her family and a few good friends. However, they werent much help when it came to figuring things out for her children. While well intentioned, everyone seemed to have his or her own opinion and usually the advice wasnt what she needed. She considered going to therapy, but waiting for an appointment and then taking time off from work when finances were tight didnt seem realistic. And even if she did see a counselor, would a professional really be able to help?