Hughes - Obviously: Stories from My Timeline

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York

First published in the United States of America by Razorbill, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2019

Copyright 2019 by Akilah Hughes

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Ebook ISBN 9781101998922

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Names: Hughes, Akilah, 1989 author. Title: Obviously : stories from my timeline / Akilah Hughes.

Description: New York : Razorbill, 2019. | Identifiers: LCCN 2019011060 | ISBN 9781101998908 (hardback)

Subjects: LCSH: Hughes, Akilah, 1989 | YouTube (Electronic resource)Biography. | Internet personalitiesUnited StatesBiography. ComediansUnited StatesBiography. | BISAC: FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Life Stages / Adolescence. | FICTION / Humorous. | BIOGRAPHY & AUTOBIOGRAPHY / Women.

Classification: LCC PN1992.9236.H84 A3 2019 | DDC 792.702/8092 [B]dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019011060

Version_1

For my friend Oprah. Yes, that one.

Contents

A Note

Hello, Dearest Reader.

Im a big fan. You have no idea how long Ive wanted to meet someone who thinks Im interesting enough to spend hours, days, weeks (!!!) with, hearing exclusively about my life and choices, good and bad, and then either lending this book to a friend, buying a copy for everyone you know, or letting it sit on your shelf until one day you leave it on a stoop, opting to declutter your home by listening exclusively to audiobooks or getting a Kindle or something. Ill admit its scary telling you everything about me and not knowing anything about you at all. If youre my fifth-grade teacher, Ms. Murphy, put this book down. Or, you know what, dont. I hate you and you need to read what I have to say about you and feel shitty about it. Youre shitty.

If youre not my fifth-grade teacher, hi! Im Akilah, obviously. (Or not so obviously, if youve never heard of me.) You may recognize me from HBOs Pod Save America series, from one of the hundreds of videos Ive made on YouTube, or as the curmudgeonly lady on the G train contorting her body to fit into a middle seat. Im old enough to remember when the internet got good and young enough to still think I know everything.

Even if you have seen me on TV or the internet, you probably dont know that I am a former spelling-bee champion, Southerner, Sundance Labs alum, and Disney cast member. Ive lived a lot of lives so far (all of them black, all of them matter), and it was never really all that obvious how things would turn out. Hell, it still isnt very obvious how things will turn out. The world is nuts, and I hope by the time you read this book its chilled out a little.

In the event that it hasnt, Ill be helping you find joy in therapeutic karaoke, solace in falling suddenly ill, and justice in what your acne has done to you. I wouldnt call this a self-help book, but you will feel better about your own life after reading a number of these essays. Thats help, right?

My editor spent a lot of time telling me how important it is for a book to have a thread. Im not sure if I ever found the single thread holding my whole life together, but if there is one it must be something about how Ive managed to do mostly whatever I want while somehow never fitting in in any meaningful way. I saw Cher perform in Vegas by myself (fifty dollars for a ticket to see someone with such a legacy is actually appallingly low), and she did a number of captivating monologues in between songs. In one she talked about her best friend, Pauli, blowing her cover when she saw a cute guy walk into a bar. In another she said, I never really fit in. Singers didnt think I was singer. Actors never thought I was an actor, they thought I was a singer. When I did the variety show it really fucked with everyone. And thats kind of how I feel about this book.

YouTubers never really thought of me as a YouTuber; they thought I was a comedian. Comedians and actors always think of me as a YouTuber. And my book is my variety show. Youve got to stay to the end to know if it is good or not, but it will almost certainly be entertaining.

Whats in a Name

My name is Akilah Saidah Kamaria Hughes. Contrary to the belief popularized by doctors and substitute teachers, all of the letters in my name are not, in fact, silent. It isnt a symbol like Prince. Its twenty-five letters, eleven syllables, and rhymes up until the last name.

Its pronounced UH-KEE-LUH SAH-EE-DUH KAH-MUH-REE-UH HUES. It is Swahili, Arabic, and Irish, respectively. Hughes is the Irish one, to be clear. Akilah means intelligent one who reasons, which Id say is fitting save for my penchant for overreaction to any modicum of adversity. Lets just say you dont want to be working for Spectrum if its storming during the season finale of anything from Shondaland.

Kamaria is Arabic for like the moon, which is both romantic and mysteriousthings that Im mostly not. Back in my chubbier years, my siblings would tell me I was like the moon in that I was round. Saidah means happy and fortunate, which seems like a missed naming opportunity for Zoloft and Viagra, but I digress.

Before settling on my nomenclature, Mom had a short list of potential contenders from a book on African names she still has in the house. Folasade (FULL-UH-SHAH-DAY), the HD version of ageless singer Sades name, was my moms first pick. My mom lived for her music in the mid-80s, citing Is It a Crime? as her R & B jam of choice (I prefer Smooth Operator). She went with Akilah, though, because she liked the way it sounded when she said it aloud. It took her a record two weeks to name Malene, my sister, who is just a day short of a year older than me. The family just referred to her as Abebe (which is hilarious as it means nothing and is just a cool way to say a baby) until she fired up the old paperback and decided Malene was a decent fit.

Her lucky number is sixthe number of letters in my sisters full name, Malene, or Lanie for short; my brothers name, Bomani, whom we call Bo; and my full first name. And she liked what Akilah meant. Do name meanings actually affect the way your kids turn out to be? Michael means close to God, so is that why Michael Jordan and Michael B. Jordan rule? How can that explain all the Michaels that kinda suck? Are names like astrology? Is astrology only mostly fake? These are all legitimate questions.

Like Sesame Street, my mother fervently believes in knowledge and education being the only paths to success, so of course she loved a name that basically means smarty-pants.

Common mispronunciations range from the condonable UH-KILL-UH (which would make such a dope DJ name) to the you-didnt-even-try-at-all-comma-asshole pronunciation, ALKALINE. I also have vivid memories of watching