Coulter Ann H - Never trust Ann Coulter: an unauthorized, autobiographical parody

An

Unauthorized,

Autobiographical

Parody

By

D.B. Gilles

Published by Black Mask Publishing

Copyright 2013 by D.B. Gilles

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever, including Internet usage, without written permission of the author.

Cover Design: Don DeMaio

Copy Editor: Carlo DeCarlo

This work is a spoof. Its entire contents are the products of the authors imagination and were not written by, and do not represent the thoughts, feelings and actual experiences of, Ann Coulter.

Non-Fiction

Writers Rehab:

A 12-Step Program for Writers Who Cant Get Their Acts Together

The Screenwriter Within:

New Strategies to Finish Your Screenplay and Get A Deal

Youre Funny!

Turn Your Sense of Humor into a Lucrative Career

The Portable Film School

Fiction

I Hate My Book Club

Colder Than Death

Plays

Cash Flow

Mens Singles

The Legendary Stardust Boys

The Girl Who Loved the Beatles

Humor

W. The First 100 Days: A White House Journal

(with Sheldon Woodbury)

Although Ive written many books and columns, Ive never gotten totally personal and bared my innermost thoughts about, well, the real me.

I havent been, as my old drinking buddy Tupac Shakur was so fond of saying, Keepin it real.

Although I may seem harsh, confrontational, difficult, a little bitchy, shifty-eyed and maybe even scary sometimes, Im actually quite fragile. Those who know me best would say that on most days Im actually warm and fuzzy. A couple of times during the 2012 election I was even touchie/feelie.

As a young girl growing up in Connecticut, needless to say I was always the tallest person in my class. And the skinniest. Kids made fun of me for being a gawky beanpole. They nicknamed me The Countess Anorexia Nervosa.

I learned to deal with their barbs by fighting them with words, my fists and occasionally with knives. My weapon of choice then, and now, is the stiletto, a dagger with a very slim blade intended for thrusting. Still the best knife to kill someone with. It efficiently pierces the heart when words cant do the job.

For dress-up I enjoy the classic dagger, a double-sheathed knife intended for stabbing. It fits comfortably into any Prada handbag.

Because of my height I never dreamt the dreams of typical high school girls in the late-seventies. Because I was taller than everyone I ruled out boyfriends.

I lost myself in music and television. Back then my biggest fantasies were to be like Farrah Fawcett on Charlies Angels or to be a back-up singer for Tina Turner, despite the fact that Im really white and blonde and I have no ass.

Yes. I sing.

In fact, I rock!

Many people have compared my voice to a cross between Tammy Wynette and Wayne Newton before he reached puberty. And its Cher to whom I wear my hair in tribute.

Cher, you are a half-breed/gypsies/tramps and thieves Goddess!

Although my height caused me pain during adolescence, it paid off because I won a basketball scholarship to Cornell. Not only was I the tallest person on the girls hoop team, but the boys team as well.

It was during my freshman year in college in 1979 that I found my direction in life. I realized that I wanted to be a lawyer, syndicated columnist, pundit and a model for leg fetish magazines. I took a liking to short skirts that showed off my fabulous legs and high-heeled shoes that showed off my amazing size-17 feet.

By the time I graduated from law school, Id long ago abandoned the ephemeral musings of an adolescent girl and developed the cutting edge persona of a self-possessed woman with degrees, friends in high places and an unstoppable pre-menstrual cycle that lasted twenty-three days.

Now, as the 2016 Presidential election looms, Karl Rove has secretly reached out to me with the news that he wants me to be the Vice Presidential running mate to the next candidate of the Republican Party. Certain that Hillary Rodham Clinton will be the Democrat nominee, they feel that a strong woman will have a better shot at defeating her.

As the 2016 Republican candidate for Vice President, my past will be up for grabs by the evil Democrat spin machine. So, as my friend Oliver North advised me, Im going to make the first strike and set the record straight about three things:

Who I am

Who I was

Who I hope to be

Ill be answering the hard questions, confronting the tough issues and in memory of my friend Tupac Shakur, keepin it real.

True dat!

An Unauthorized, Autobiographical Parody

To my amazing legs and damaged feet.

An Unauthorized, Autobiographical Parody

There are some who think that because of my Neo-con, arch-conservative, psychotic, Republican views that I must be descended from the colonists who came over on The Mayflower.

The fact of the matter is that Im Polynesian and Hawaiian like Keanu Reeves (whatever happened to him?), Tiger Woods and Duane The Rock Johnson.

Actually Tiger is half-African-American and half-Hawaiian.

Because I dont pass for anything remotely like an island girl, most people are shocked to hear of my ancestry. This explains why I like to lounge around my condo in Georgetown dancing the hula and listening to Don Ho tunes.

Ive even done a genealogical search to find out where in Polynesia my ancestors came from and discovered that I am also one-eighteenth African.

I mean, who knew?

In fact, Im also a descendent of the Mandinka tribe (the same as Magic Johnson), the Watussi tribe (the same as Eddie Murphy) and the Pygmy tribe (the same as Sammy Davis Jr.).

Perhaps that is why Im very athletic, incredibly funny and can do many convincing impressions.

If you could see my Michele Bachmann you would crap in your freakin hat!

An Unauthorized, Autobiographical Parody

The only area where President Bush and I were on uneasy terms is religion.

Hes only a Born Again Christian. I, however, am a Satanist.

I was raised Presbyterian and there was a time back in the day when I did go to church. However, when the Church Elders permitted gays to become ministers I had to leave. I turned to pagan rights and found great comfort in heathen rituals.

Now it can be told: I am considered a goddess and I have a super high ranking (which is very cool). Its kind of like being Tom Cruise (only without so much of that crazy, bat shit nonsense).

Now before you paganistas go correcting me that youre not devil worshippers, allow me to say that despite your protests, it is a slippery slope.

And I got lubed up for the slide down.

This is no doubt why my favorite film of all time is Rosemarys Baby, which I saw for the first time in 1968 at the tender age of seven.

How could a seven-year-old get in to see Rosemarys Baby?

The reason: because I was six feet three even then and I looked exactly like Mary of the lefty folk group Peter, Paul and Mary who were popular at the time.

An Unauthorized, Autobiographical Parody

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I have never married (like Maureen Dowd), but Ive dated a lot (like Maureen Dowd) and had my share of hot celebrity boyfriends (like Maureen Dowd) although I will admit to being jealous when she hooked up with Aaron Sorkin.

And I thought it was very cool that he did not hire her as a consultant on