Green - The green Red Green: made almost entirely from recycled material

Id like to dedicate this book to a lot of people, first and foremost, the Lodge membersthe ones who stepped up early in support of the whole Red Green project and then sustained that support through the ridicule of friends and family. These people are special, and often in a good way. These are fearless people. They arent the kind to wait to see what others are going to do, in life or the buffet line. When they see something they sort of like, or at least are curious about, they get involved. Its much easier to jump on a bandwagon once its rolling than to climb up there while its parked over a septic bed in the hopes of some movement. So I give special thanks to the members of Possum Lodge who, like the first people to take their bathing suits off in the hot tub, add a feeling of excitement, risk and urgency to life.

Next I would like to thank the people who bought the original versions of each of the three books that went into this one. Without them this book would not have happened. Its an attempt to build on success. Nobody builds on failure other than politicians and Zsa Zsa Gabor. So thanks to all of you out there who bought this crap when it was fresh.

But the largest portion of my gratitude goes to all of the people out there who did not buy any of these books. According to the sales reports, there are millions of you. Thats what created the impetus for this book. The potential of being able to reach new customers with not only this book, but also the subtle message that if they refuse to buy it, it will not go away but will just keep coming back in different forms until they eventually surrender. We could have called it Draculas Tome. But we didnt. So to all of you potential customers out there, please buy this book now and end the horror.

FOREWORD
(Count em)

Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati

FORWARD

Signified by the letter D; found between Reverse, Neutral, and Low; and a better life choice than any of the alternatives, with the exception of Park.

W e wanted to come out with a new book but were unable to find a formula that accommodated the time frame set by the publisher, given the fundamental inertness of the author. So instead, we are coming out with this old book in a new form. Every man knows its easier to support your wifes cosmetic surgery than it is to find someone more attractive.

In truth, this is actually a combination of three of our old books with the odd new word or punctuation mark thrown in, just to keep you on your toes, and also to qualify us for government subsidies. Youll be pleased to know that weve done a lot of editing to get rid of the bad, boring stuff, so as youre reading it, I hope youll appreciate that its way better than it could have been.

Of course, whenever you remove inadequacies, you run the risk of making the good stuff look worse without the crap there to lower the average. But thats all just part of the precarious nature of being in the publishing businesswhich doesnt concern me, as I was given a healthy advance.

In any case, our intent was to go back to the abandoned mines of our old books and see if we could find enough nuggets to fill a new book which would allow our actions and attitudes to compromise yet another generation. I think weve succeeded, but only time will tell.

We hope you enjoy this book, but then again, were also hoping for world peace.

Red Green

The following were all in the drawers of the table I sat at when I wrote this book.

I have this theory that the human brain is a muscle rather than an organ. And as a muscle, it gets stronger with use and, conversely, atrophies through idleness. People who dont do any thinking in their lives as a way of keeping their brain fresh for old age are seriously misinformed. Youre much better off using your brain as often as possible. Even once or twice a day if you can manage it.

And of course, choosing what to use your brain on is very important. You dont want to waste your time on things that are irrelevant or boring or beyond your comprehension. For most of us, abstract mathematics or nuclear physics is a complete waste of time. I recommend that you become a handyman. The mental agility required first to diagnose why the refrigerator isnt working and then to acquire the correct part, remove the old one without breaking everything around it, and install the new one is fantastic exercise. And thats not to mention what pinching your thumb in the door hinge does for your language skills. Then theres the whole creative challenge of explaining to your wife that the refrigerator couldnt be fixed so you threw it out but thank goodness you didnt waste money by bringing in a professional repairman.

These are the kinds of skills that will keep your mind agile well into old age. Plus youll have a lot more free time because your wife will refrain from telling you when something needs fixing.

I want to try to help all you ladies understand the things we men do. For example, the way we fix things with duct tape. Like, say, the mirror that fell off the car.