Jarski - The Wit and Wisdom of the North

Tell me, Eric, what would you and Ernie have been if you weren't
comedians?
Mike and Bernie Winters.

Interviewer and Eric Morecambe

Hello playmates!

It's thrilling to be invited to compile The Wit and Wisdom of The Northnot least because you know you're in for a lorra lorra laughs, but even alabour of love is not without its challenges. Northern Pride is at stake. Youwant to do justice to our rich comic heritage. You want to show us at ourbest. Let's be honest: you want to show those soft southern jessies who reallyrules the country when it comes to humour. To succeed, tough decisionsmust to be taken and important ground rules laid down.

First, define your territory. 'The North' is a movable feast, depending onyour location, so an imaginary dividing line has to be drawn somewhere. I tookthe plunge in the River Trent (very bracing, lucky I took a towel), nominatingStoke-on-Trent as the official tollgate where vowels and caps start to flatten.

Rest assured, the choice was determined by strict socio-geographicalimperatives, taking into consideration historical and topographical boundariesdating back to William the Conqueror, and had absolutely nothing to do withthe fact that I have a cracking Robbie Williams quote. Honest.

Next, define your Northerner. Silly me thought it would simply be amatter of invoking the old Yorkshire cricket team selection process andsaying, 'If you were born in the North, you're a Northerner.' Which is finetill you discover that Caroline Aherne was born in London and John Prescottwas born in Prestatyn, and how can you have a collection of Northernhumour without two of its best comedians? Oh, for the days when all youhad to do was spot somebody with mutton-chop whiskers, a pot-belly and aferret down their trousers. (And it was just as easy to identify the men.)

If only there was a foolproof method of testing for a real Northerner, asthere is for a real princess in the Hans Christian Andersen fairy story: Slip amushy pea under their Slumberland and check next morning what sort of anight's sleep they had. 'Appen we could enquire if they prefer Tetley's or EarlGrey; say 'laff' or 'larf'; have meat pie crumbs round their mouth; supportManchester United (which, obviously would prove they're southern). Afriend had a theory: 'Everyone in the North thinks Birmingham is in theSouth; everyone in the South thinks Birmingham is in the North.' Firstperson I asked, 'Where's Birmingham?' replied, 'It's in the Midlands.'

Up the Mersey without a tickling stick, I asked myself the question Ialways ask in times of trouble: What would Ken Dodd do? 'By Jove, missus!'the Squire of Knotty Ash would say. 'Don't get discomknockerated! Open ajar of good old-fashioned Northern nous and apply liberally to the affectedarea.' So I did, and before you could say, 'tattifilarious', I had my ruling: If Isay they're Northern, they're bloody well Northern and that's that. Like itor lump it.

If I inadvertently ascribe Northern nationality to any non-nationals, Iapologise (blame Doddy), but trust they will accept the compliment in goodgrace and consider themselves honorary citizens at least between the coversof this volume.

Finally, define Northern humour. Give over! You're having a laugh! Howdo you define a reflex, something that comes to us as naturally as drinking, Imean, blinking. In the North, a sense of humour is bred in the (funny) bone,hardwired into our folk DNA, and, as such, taken for granted. In fact, youonly appreciate how special our humour is and how blessed we are to haveit if you're lucky enough to be engaged on a project like this or unluckyenough to cross the border.

Northern humour is, above all, the humour of recognition. Northerncomedians don't try to be cleverer or smarter than us, they're inclusive ratherthan exclusive. Southern comics tell us how they got one over on someone;Northern comics tell us what a prat they made of themselves. There are noairs and graces, no attempts at one-upmanship. They're one of us.

But don't take my word for it. Dave Spikey, who's at the coalface ofcomedy, explains the differences:

My act is very northern... You get these comedians trying to be reallyright on and topical and they're all technically brilliant. And then I'llcome on at the end and go, 'Ruddy Wigan, eh?' and the people all go,'Whooahh, that's what we want, a bit of that!' There's a differencewith northern comics. On stage it's like we're having a chat. Withothers you just get material, none of them in it.