Jayne - Quarter life poetry: poems for the young, broke & hangry

In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the authors intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the authors rights.

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Copyright 2016 by Samantha Jayne Siegel Cover design by Samantha Jayne Cover copyright 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the authors intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the authors rights. Twelve Hachette Book Group 1290 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10104 twelvebooks.com twitter.com/twelvebooks First Edition: April 2016 Twelve is an imprint of Grand Central Publishing.

The Twelve name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher. The Hachette Speakers Bureau provides a wide range of authors for speaking events. To find out more, go to www.hachettespeakersbureau.com or call (866) 376-6591. Names: Jayne, Samantha, author. Title: Quarter life poetry : poems for the young, broke and hangry / by Samantha Jayne.

Description: First edition. | New York : Grand Central Publishing, 2016. Identifiers: LCCN 2015044436| ISBN 9781455565283 (paperback) | ISBN 9781455565276 (ebook) Subjects: | BISAC: HUMOR / Topic / Adult. | HUMOR / Form / Limericks & Verse. | HUMOR / Form / Comic Strips & Cartoons. Classification: LCC PS3610.A966 A6 2016 | DDC 811/.6dc23 LC record available at http://lccn.loc.gov/2015044436 ISBN: 978-1-4555-6527-6 RRD-C 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 E3 To my parents,
for putting up with my bullshit

Ive been told this is a good bathroom book.

I have mixed feelings. Mostly because I didnt envision my first published work to sit atop toiletslet alone my toilet in a tiny, sad bathroom fit for a homeless elf. I thought things would look different by twenty-fivethat Id reap the rewards of my hard work and excellent life choices. Id have timeless wardrobe pieces, premium cable, an inspired sex life, and a goddamn human-sized spa-bathroom complete with a gentle bidet and waterfall shower. Instead, I have student loans and Thai leftovers Im mildly excited about. But perhaps you have a tiny bathroom, too.

Maybe things arent quite how you expected them to be. So you know what? Display this book on your toilet. Maybe some of these poems will even make you laugh. Which makes me laugh, because now youre laughing alone in your bathroom. But maybe, at this exact moment, someone else is sitting on their toilet, reading the same poem, and laughing alone, too. And I suppose thats the whole point of this bookthat youre not alone at all.

And sometimes all we need is to laugh together from our separate toilets.

M y friend has a baby and owns a boutique. I just bought a cactus; it died in a week.

S omeday Ill own a chic abode embellished with fine art. Till then Ill deal with walls so thin I hear my roommate fart.

I thought living the grown-up life would be so freakin sweet.

Instead I work and trudge on home to pass out, rinse, repeat. I m longing for the special day of signing my own lease, so clothing can be optional and I can poop in peace. I n case of a catastrophe, Ive made myself a kit. Its essential for survival so far theres wine in it. T he bedroom listing said a room with a view. I nearly collapsed when I heard myself say, I dont understand the youth of today. F orget the fancy gym contract with fine print no one reads. F orget the fancy gym contract with fine print no one reads.

My fifth-floor walk-up apartment is all that my ass needs. T heres a wrinkle on my forehead and a pimple on my nose. Its difficult to illustrate my despair in prose. I used to wax my lady bits, but recently Ive quit. I had this grand epiphany that I dont give a shit. A tragic part of postgrad life is no student ID. A tragic part of postgrad life is no student ID.

It was my golden ticket to getting shit for free. T oday I saw a baby with such cuteness and grace, I thought, aw, I want a baby, but then I punched myself in the face. S omeday Ill lead a lavish life where I own many lands, and I will have a dishwasher that wont be my two hands.