Harris - How to Hold Your Breath

I am eyes closed, head bent in every gathering. I am knees bowed, chest to the floor. I am a flower by the wall, grass in the shade. I am back turned, shoulders hunched, face hollowed. I am a scream. A howl.

I am a snake on the plane, a hyena, an antelope. I am ant under a stone, beetle scurrying away. I am beaten at birth, blackened. I am sand. I am soil. I am earth.

I am less than earth. I am poor. Im so poor my skin is my clothes. I am uncovered. Ashamed. The land cant feed me.

I am the end. The dead. The carcass by the roadside. I am the abyss into which people dread to fall. She stops and looks at herself in the mirror.She takes a deep breath.

The man, Jarron, is a little older.Dana sits up. Jarron dont do that Dana I had such a strange dream Jarron its not even morning yet Dana but the suns up Beat. hey the suns up Jarron so the suns up, we can sleep a bit longer, cant we? Dana we could Jarron then why dont we? He pulls her back down.She laughs.He covers her with the sheet.She lets him.He kisses her.She kisses him back. Dana youve got a scar on your chest Jarron that was where they ripped my soul out. Dana very funny. They kiss again.He rolls on top of her. Dana actually Im quite hungry Jarron what? Dana arent you? I mean dont you want something to eat? Jarron not particularly Dana dont you eat where you come from? Jarron sometimes but not in the middle of Dana have some fruit then, some bread its breakfast time Jarron seriously? Dana seriously Im starving. Jarron alright. What do you have? Dana what do you want? Jarron what have you got? Dana theres a shop downstairs anything you can imagine Jarron theyre open at this time? Dana its not early. Its getting late Jarron surprise me Dana croissants, coffee, juice, cake Jarron sounds delicious He grabs her.She squeals.They kiss for a moment. Jarron again They kiss some more. Dana youre greedy Jarron of course Dana youd think youd never been kissed Jarron not by you Dana you have to be quiet, I share this flat Jarron I dont care Dana actually, seriously Jarron youre quite hungry Dana finally he hears! Jarron you think Ive had my time Dana shut up Jarron youre bored and want to get rid of me Dana never Jarron thats why you looked at the sun Dana the day has begun, thats all Jarron Ill pay you extra Dana what? Jarron Ill give you a bit more Dana a bit more what? Jarron money youre a business woman, I know how this works Dana you think you are paying? Jarron arent I? Dana what? Jarron what? Dana what? Jarron now wait a minute Dana fucking cheek Jarron you came up to me, no introduction Dana I liked the look of you Jarron you liked the look of me? Dana is that so odd? you said you worked for the UN, I was curious Jarron you were wearing practically nothing, underwear Dana it was a dress Beat. it was a dress Jarron that was a dress? Dana where do you come from? Jarron Ive seen dresses but really Im sorry.

I made a mistake Dana too right you did Christ alive. I cant believe you thought Jesus Jarron girls dont come up to me like you did. Dana Im not a girl my name is Dana I have a degree. I have a fucking mind which I can make up. Dana sits up with the sheet about her knees. Jarron so? I pay for sex, I thought everyone does Dana not around here Jarron they do where I come from Dana and where the fuck is that hell? He laughs. Dana dont laugh Jarron well stop making jokes Dana Im serious sex that you pay for is toxic an irritant, feels nice for a second but Jarron it suits me Dana you dont know any other way, youve forgotten any other way Jarron yeah, maybe I have Dana then someone should show you Beat. I would offer but you just offended me. The offer. The offer.

Ill make love to you because I want to. and you can make love to me, knowing that. Beat. Jarron I dont have time Dana oh, its scary ? He looks at her. Jarron you dont know me Dana I didnt know you before Jarron we talked for an hour in the bar we got shitfaced we screwed each other Dana we were tender we kissed Jarron stop it fucking stop it Dana I cant believe this is so hard for you its two people, two consenting adults dont worry you dont have to fall in love with me Jarron I thought I knew what we were doing here I thought we both knew what was going on, I thought this was up and down, around and about, both parties agreed all OK Dana it is OK Jarron no its not fucking OK Dana of course its OK He reaches for his shirt. Dana you dont need to run quite so fast Jarron this doesnt happen to me. I am a really powerful person, people dont trick me Dana I didnt trick you Jarron this is fucked up. This is really fucked up. I organise people for a living, I write reports, I travel miles and miles, people dont do this to me.

I dont get caught like this Dana you arent caught He does his buttons up. Jarron I dont drink with women in bars for real. You get it. Dana what is wrong with saying I like you, I think youre nice He puts his shoes on. Jarron nice? Do you want to know how not nice I am? what if I tell you I only came with you because I could see you had some goodness, I could see I could break your heart Dana get over yourself I came to you not the other way around Jarron I still ended up with my cock up your arse. Beat. I thought you would notice my semen is black, my face twisting, my nails ridged, in short it didnt occur to me you would do anything other than hold me in contempt. I am unloveable, the unloved. Not the sort of person that gets told they are nice.