Lawler - Its good to be the king ... sometimes

G ood Ole J.R. looks right at home in his trademark black Stetson cowboy hat as he makes his way to the announce position at ringside. Many of the wrestling fans in the crowd on this night are wearing cowboy hats as well. And they are drinking beer. And they are chewing tobacco. And they are spitting on the floor. And they are cussing up a stormand those are the women!

For this is West Memphis, Arkansas, considered by many to be the redneck capital of the world, or at least the Mid-South. Where live-stock is still thought to be an appropriate wedding gift. West Memphis, Arkansas, the little backwoods burg that sullies the good name of the civilized city of Memphis, Tennessee, which lies just a stones throw away. Provided you can throw a stone across the Mississippi River. Memphians have long looked down on West Memphians as trailer park-dwelling hangers-on, who, whenever they wanted to do anything of value or substance, had to cross the state line and come into Tennessee.

The University of Oklahoma fight song, which is J.R.s entrance music, fades down as he settles into his seat and adjusts his headset. Gimme a little more Me! J.R. barks into his microphone as the soundman turns up the volume on J.R.s voice. Its got to be loud to hear yourself over a wrestling crowd that is screaming at the top of its lungs. And scream they do as the royal music that signifies the coming of the King fills the arena. Ah, the King, complete with crown, in all his glory, giving a royal wave to the locals as he sits down next to J.R. and prepares to broadcast yet another historic match.

What about this arena were in tonight, J.R.? Have you ever seen one any smaller? I dropped a washcloth on the floor of my dressing room and had wall-to-wall carpeting! And what about this crowd, J.R.? Ive had more people come to see me wash my car than are here tonight. What gives? Whos wrestling tonight anyway?

Well, King, J.R. replies, what gives, is that this arena, as rundown and dilapidated as it is, was once a movie theater called the Avon. And most of the seats down in front of the screen have been taken out to make room for the wrestling ring. And the reason the crowd is so small is because these wrestlers tonight are just a bunch of young unknowns trying to get started in the business.

So then why are you and I here, J.R.? Were WWE Superstars. We dont belong in the same arena with a bunch of nobodies! And hey! Look at whats hanging over the ring! Is that a washtub?

Sure is, King. Thats what they use for a ring light. A galvanized metal washtub with three light bulbs in it.

And look at the way these fans are dressed, J.R. Dont they know these styles went out in the seventies?

King, were IN the seventies! You and I have traveled back in time to call the first-ever professional wrestling match of a young kid named Jerry Lawler. Tonight he will step into a wrestling ring for the first time in his life. Hell have a partner named Jerry Vickers, and theyll be taking on a masked tag team known as the Executioners. This is a historic match were about to broadcast, King!

First of all, J.R., Ive never heard of Jerry Lawler, and second, how could any match held in the podunk town of West Memphis, Arkansas, be historic? Did you hear the mayors mansion burned down here last week? Yep, perty near took out the whole trailer park! Ha, Ha, Ha!

Very funny, King. Now be quiet, here comes Lawler and his partner out to the ring now.

What do you mean, here comes Lawler? Where is his entrance music? Where is his pyro?

King, I told you, this is 1970. No one has entrance music. Or pyro. It just isnt done yet.

You mean this isnt sports-entertainment. Its still just wrestling?

Now youre catching on, Einstein! Uh-oh. Here come Lawlers opponents, the dreaded masked Executioners!

Wow, J.R. Those masked men look huge compared to Jerry Lawler. What do you think Jerry weighs?

I know what he weighs, King, a hundred and eighty-five pounds.

A hundred and eighty-five pounds! J.R., you eat more than that for breakfast! These Executioners scrape runts like Lawler off the bottoms of their shoes! I mean, look at his chest, J.R. Hes so skinny, his nipples touch. And whos that guy with Lawler? Hes not much bigger himself.

Well, King, thats Jerry Lawlers partner, Jerry Vickers. Hes a young man from Kansas City whos come down here to try to get noticed by the big organization. But right now hes taking any bookings he can.

Yeah, and hes obviously taking any partners he can, too! I cant get over how small this Lawler kid is. Ill bet he uses Chap Stick for roll-on deodorant! Hey, I think the match is about to start, was that the bell?

Do I have to keep reminding you, King? This is not the WWE. This is a low-budget, no-frills, wrestling show. The promoter, Aubrey Griffith, has to run these matches on a shoestring. Instead of a bell, they just clang a hammer against the metal ring post. Anyway, it kind a sounded like a bell.

Yeah, J.R., and these guys kind a look like wrestlers! Well, here they go. Vickers and Executioner number one locking up. Somehow I have a feeling this isnt going to last long.

J.R. begins the commentary as the match gets underway. Standing side headlock by Vickers on the Executioner to start the matchExecutioner fires Vickers into the ropesVickers comes off and hits the Executioner with a nice shoulder tackle. Vickers back into the ropes, the Executioner drops down, and catches Vickers coming off with a big hip toss, and now the Executioner grabs a headlock of his own on Vickers. Now Vickers shoots the masked man into the ropes, big shoulder tacklehere comes the Executioner again off the ropesthis time Vickers drops down, then catches the Executioner with a hip toss, and he follows that up with a body slam on his opponent and the Executioner retreats to his corner, like a scalded dog, and gets a sympathy hug from his partner, Executioner number two! The Executioner tags in his partnerExecutioner and Vickers lock upVickers snatches a headlock and pulls the big masked man toward his corner. And theres a tag on Lawler! Well, here we go, King, business is about to pick upthis is what were here forJerry Lawlers first time in a wrestling ring. Now lets see what kind of wrestler he is.