Morgan-Grenville Roger - Not Out First Ball: the art of being beaten in beautiful places

An apology

Dear Kate

I am sorry if I was a bit short with you on the phone last Sunday when you told me about Davids lawn-mowing accident.

We eventually found a ten year old to play in his place at short notice and, although we subsequently lost by nine wickets, I think the boy rather enjoyed it all. Thinking it through on my drive home that evening, I felt that I had over-reacted when you told me your husband couldnt play. It was just that so much seems to have happened to him during the season that has kept him from playing his cricket, and maybe I was a bit frustrated. However, I now realise I have quite a bit to thank you for, and apologise for, in equal measure. Above all, I am grateful that you have let him play cricket at all.

It has been personally uplifting to have his presence in the team, consistently showing his colleagues how it is some people manage to triumph over real adversity. As a family, you seem to have suffered more than your share of unforeseen changes of plan and tragedy. Like your uncle suddenly dying that Friday night and, presumably being Muslim, needing to be buried the following afternoon when we were due to play the Hammer Bottom Butsers at Lurgashall. Or that new dog you acquired that mysteriously escaped when we were fighting for our lives against The Renegades. And that Bar- Mitzvah that your goldfish had to undergo the day we set off for the Loire Valley Tour. It is rather inspiring how you seem to have come through all this stronger as a family.

But I also need to apologise, for there have been times over the last twenty-five years when your man has been badly wronged, and he might possibly have taken it out on you and the family later on. He plays, as you well know, only with the straightest of bats. He is selective in his shot making, and judges the pace of an innings to perfection. He bowls a reliable line and length, and, in the field, he is like a panther. He is encouraging to everyone and can frequently be found wrapping a fatherly arm around a disappointed team-mate. He will have told you all this many times himself, though possibly not quite as many times as he has told us. It makes it all the harder to understand, therefore, why he seems so often to have been the victim of bad luck, calumny, appalling decisions, insult, and natural disaster.

When he is clean bowled, which is surprisingly often for a man of his skill, I agree with him when he says retrospectively that it was off a no-ball, and therefore shouldnt count. When he is caught, it is surprising how frequently it turns out later on that there were three fielders behind square on the leg side. When he edges one to the keeper, it has brushed his pad, not his bat. When he drops a catch, again not a rare occurrence, we have normally found it was down to a reflection of the sun shining into his eyes from an open window at the critical moment. In short, it always seems to happen to him. I would urge you to cherish him after these disappointments . If he tells you that he has never played a rash shot in his life, then he probably hasnt. If he insists that the umpire was a myopic, vindictive twat, accept that this was probably the case. Many umpires are, indeed, myopic and vindictive twats. And umpires seem to have had it in for him personally since the dawn of time.

Finally, I just need to assure you that it will all be different from now on.

Next season, we are planning to do many fewer matches, so as to allow us more time to attend to family responsibilities. And, even if we do find we are playing the same number, I am sure most of them will be Wednesday evening beer matches and wont take up precious family weekends. And, even if we do have a few during precious family weekends, I know that this is the year he will finally take responsibility for the children, and bring them along. He frequently tells me that you are a passionate gardener and DIY fan yourself, as he is, and that it is his lifes ambition to shake off the chains this sport has ensnared him in and find the true peace that can only come from a Saturday morning spent in the Eastleigh branch of Homebase.