Newhart - I Shouldnt Even Be Doing This

I realize that most people skip the introduction and the acknowledgments. If you are one of these people, then youre not even reading this. But if you are, I want to share with you the alternative titles I had for this book.

I was told by my editor that titles sell books, so the first title I proposed was A Slimmer You in Three Weeks. That wouldve been an instant best seller because diet books sell like crazy. But my publishers weak-kneed lawyers refused to approve the title because there were no diet tips in my book.

My next title was Finding Mr. Right, because dating books are also very popular. Again, the attorneys nixed this idea, this time on the grounds that the book contained no dating tips. The attorneys suggested that I find something related to comedy in some way since I am a comedian.

I came up with The Fat Lady in the Pink Dress Wants a White Wine. This comes from the parties weve had at our house when my kids helped serve the grown-ups. Id ask my son to go and see what Mrs. Petersen would like to drink. Hed come back and say, The fat lady in the pink dress wants a white wine.

Besides being a catchy phrase, I thought this would make a nice title for a book written by a comedian. When you mature, you realize you cant say something like that in polite company. But comedians dont mature. For some reason, comedians are still children. The social skills somehow never reach us, so we say exactly what we think without weighing the results. But as a title, it sounded too much like a book written by a bartender.

You Didnt Let Me Finish was a candidate because it neatly sums up Hollywood. I first heard the phrase in a story about Harry Crane, a comedy writer who worked for Dean Martin. Harry was sent by Greg Garrison, who produced The Dean Martin Show, to check out a lounge singer that they were thinking of booking on the show. The singer, it turned out, was Mama Cass, back when she was known as Cass Elliot.

Harry completed the trip and reported back to Garrison: This immense woman walks out on the stage in a muumuu and its stained, he said. Its not even clean. She had perspiration dripping down both armpits, and she cannot sing. She cant carry a note.

Garrison interrupted, Dean loves her. To which Crane said, You didnt let me finish.

Deciding that was too Hollywood, I toyed with Which One Would You Like to Hear Again? This phrase was my sole line of defense as a nave and neophyte stand-up.

It was my very first stand-up gig, and I was the opening act at the Tidelands Motor Inn in Houston. I performed the only three routines I had, Abe Lincoln vs. Madison Avenue, The Driving Instructor, and The Cruise of the U.S.S. Codfish. The audience was particularly responsive one night, and they gave me a lengthy applause. As I left the stage, I walked by the matre d.

Go back out there. They want to hear more, he said.

Thats all I have, I explained.

I reluctantly walked back onstage. The applause died down, and I asked them, Which one would you like to hear again?

In considering phrases that have stuck with me over the years, I recalled a story that Art Linkletter used to tell in his routine on how kids say the darnedest things. In one bit, there was a boy who was off by himself brooding in a corner while all the other kids were laughing and enjoying themselves. Art went over to the boy and attempted to comfort him.

Is something wrong? Art asked.

Yeah, my dog died this week, the boy said.

Well, Art said, your dog went to heaven and when you go to heaven you will see your dog again so dont be too unhappy.

The boy looked at Art quizzically. What does God want with a dead dog? Another example of the logic of children.

And then theres the title I settled on: I Shouldnt Even Be Doing This!

Thats from a gag about a guy who is having an affair with his bosss wife. They are making mad, passionate love, and she says, Kiss me! Kiss me!

He looks at her very seriously and replies, I shouldnt even be doing this!

That disproportionate side of life ties nicely to my career. I became a comedian by way of accounting. I recorded several comedy albums, three with The Button-Down Mind in the title. I starred in several television series, all of which have my name in the title: The Bob Newhart Show, The Bob Newhart Show (again), Newhart, Bob, and George and Leo (a bit of a stretch but it uses my given name, George Robert Newhart). I acted in several movies that didnt have my name in the title, including Hell Is for Heroes, Catch-22, and Elf, and I guest starred on ER and Desperate Housewives. All the while, Ive been married to the same woman for forty-three years, had four children, played countless rounds of golf, and met some very interesting people.

However, it didnt take me long to realize that I couldnt write a traditional memoir. A memoir is a weighty tome. Former presidents and the Marquis de Sade write memoirs; Bob Newhart doesnt write a memoir. So I proposed that we call it a roman clef and leave it at that. Again, my weak-kneed lawyers objected.

But the biggest problem of all came when I was halfway finished with the book. I began to get nervous because deep in the process of writing a book about myself, I didnt have one of the primary ingredients. I wasnt feeling cathartic. Ive read enough of these kinds of books and seen enough authors promote them on talk shows to know that they are always cathartic. So I sent the book to a specialist in recognizing catharsis and asked him if what he read could be considered cathartic.

No, its self-pity, he said. But I like the title.

Most comedians are committable. People say Im the most normal of all comediansand Im still certifiable.

Larry Gelbart once said that comedians look at life through a different lens. Comedians by nature are observers of people. Even if a comedian is on vacation and he sees something funny on the beach, hell say to himself, I have to remember that because I may need it someday.

When I was a child, I remember watching a garbage truck with the name Neal Norlag on the side. Subconsciously, I filed the name away for later use. Remember Neal Norlag.

Comedians are innately programmed to pick up oddities like mispronounced words, upside-down books on a shelf, and generally undetectable mistakes in everyday life.

Recently, for instance, Ive noticed on the cable news channels that the guy who writes the news crawl along the bottom of the screen cant type. Clearly, there is no one watching him and saying, Gary, whats wrong with you?

These arent glaring errors, but they certainly stand out to me. One day last summer, a typically misspelled news bulletin announced: In the Mideast, peace talks are underway between the Palestinians and the Israelis and there is the possibility that Egypt may play a rollas opposed to a role.

Stranger still, I came across a solemn news item in the newspaper about an assassination in Afghanistan. A minister was killed. I read further. It turned out that he was the minister of tourism. Now, how busy can Afghanistans minister of tourism possibly be? You dont picture a young honeymooning couple saying, Enough of the bickering. Lets flip a coin: Its Paris or Kabul.

Maybe I am the only one who notices.

I think it was Jack Benny who once said, A comic says funny things, but a comedian says things funny. I guess Id fall into that latter grouping.

Many comedians would probably agree that you start off doing someone else while your own voice evolves. You start out as an imitator because hiding behind success is easier than finding it. Richard Pryor started out doing Bill Cosby and then came into his own. For me, the models were Mike and Elaine, Bob and Ray, and, of course, Benny.