Bob Odenkirk - A Load of Hooey

A LOAD OF HOOEY

Mc SWEENEYS

SAN FRANCISCO

Copyright 2014 Bob Odenkirk

Cover illustration by Tony Millionaire.

All rights reserved, including right of reproduction in whole or in part, in any form.

McSweeneys and colophon are registered trademarks of McSweeneys, a privately held company with wildly fluctuating resources.

ISBN: 9-781-94045-066-7

www.mcsweeneys.net

THE ODENKIRK MEMORIAL LIBRARY

This is one of a series of humorous books written by diverse authors and each blessed and approved by the nondeceased (yet) American comedy person Bob Odenkirk. Volumes in the OML include satire, cartoons, Black Humor, Gentle Humor, and Total Humor, and they cover a broad range of subject matter, united only in their tendency to provoke laughter and warm feelings of distraction. No textbooks or pornography will be included in the series (yet).

To Naomi. Thank you for indulging me.

Please continue to do so.

Dont waste your money on that bookits a lot of hooey.

from Merriam-Websters definition of hooey

CONTENTS

By Miss Sally Penberton, of Miss Sallys Finishing School and College of Internal Medicine

H ello!

Hello!

Now I am pausing for you to reply, Hello, Miss Penberton, of Sally Penbertons Finishing School and College of Internal Medicine! Very good, girlsexcept for you, Violet Madison. You sound like a cow. How many times do I have to tell you: one should never speak with ones mouth open! It is rude for a man to see your tongue before the wedding. Why buy the cow when you can see the tongue for free?

If you are reading this, you have opened and/or purchased Mr. Odenkirks book, A Load of Hooey. I am delighted for you, as Im sure it will guarantee a slew of laughs and between a galette cup and an oyster cup (approx.) of titters. Before you wade in too deeply, however, I would like to remind you all of the golden rule: One Should Never Read a Book on the Toilet.

There are as many reasons One Should Never Read a Book on the Toilet as there are appropriate forks to use at a purebred horses wedding (thirty-seven). Posture may be the most important. There are appropriate postures for both reading and for defecating, and neither is compatible with the other. The ideal reading posture is brutally erect, in full dinner corsets (keep tightened to eight inches), one foot up on an ottoman made out of a deceased family dogs pelt, the book balanced on the tips of the pointer and ring fingers. No other fingertips may be involved. Three fingertips to read a book? HAHAHAHA GOOD JOKE, GIRLS!! I CANT STOP LAUGHING!

Conversely, the ideal defecating posture is the Rosebud. You pull your dinner or lounging corsets (whichever are made of the rarest whalebone) tighter and tighter until the feces are squeezed half inch by half inch out of your dainty anus (daintus). If you need to ask your mother or lady-in-waiting to help, feel free. Not everyone can get the Rosebud right every time! (P.S. I am still laughing about using three fingertips to read!! When would you ever need that many!!!)

Ideally, however, you shouldnt be on the toilet at all, let alone reading on it. Remember: there is no man to open the lid for you! Ladies should go through doors only if a man has opened them for her, and ladies should use a toilet only if a man has de-lidded it for her. For what is a toilet lid but a door for your asshole? I am not just an etiquette teacher and doctor, but a poet as well.

Properly utilizing a toilet requires certain steps that should not be changed. Do not arrive late to your toilet. Fold the toilet paper into an elaborate swan (lengthwise, then widthwise, make a tip, add real swan meat to taste). Attempt the Rosebud. Write a thank-you note to your butthole on the swan paper. Make sure to use proper penmanshipeven if the note is to your butthole! Thank your butthole by wiping it with the note. Flush, using only the pinkie, or the thumb, which is natures pinkie.

Now, I am usually more than a little distrustful of sending My Girls to traditional physicians (i.e., people who have not graduated from my school of internal medicine). It is much more polite not to hang an indiscreet, impolite, braggy diploma on the wall, or, better yet, to have never graduated from medical school in the first place (itself the biggest brag of all). But dont be afraid to call your local physician if the Rosebud goes poorly. I have seen more than a few women who, while attempting to defecate with politeness, have popped ( science term??) an internal organ. I may not be a doctor, but I am an unlicensed doctor, and I can tell you that the Rosebud is worth it!

There are so many other places for you to read this book. YOU DO NOT NEED THE TOILET. That should be your mantra, along with My dowry is not a toy. You could read this book in a townhouse that your husband bought for you! You could read this book on a yacht that your husband bought for you! You could read this book on the toilet!

O ho, did you catch that?! That was a test! You CANNOT read this book on the toilet! I am not just a poet, but a trickster as well.

Ho HO!

I dont want to scare you, but some very bad things have happened to women who do not respect the proper etiquette of toiletry and who Read This Book on the Toilet. Take, for instance, Miss Amanda Maple of New York. She was rumored to have bought this haha-book, and could not wait to void herself before she began reading. She gave herself paper cuts on her small treasure to the extent that she could not bear children. Due to this fact, she was promptly put down behind her house by her husband. Was it worth it? Of course not. She didnt even get to the good part of the book (pp. 3236).

Etiquette is a beautiful thing. Its what separates us from the animals. (The things that separate us from the animals, in order: etiquette, elaborate fences, long cigarettes, whalebone.)

So, ladies, remember all I have taught you. I wish you all the best of luck with both your reading and toiletry endeavors. Godspeed. Now I have to remove a kidney and replace it with a diamond.

Twas bryllyg, and ye slythy toves

Did gyre and gymble in ye wabe

but this time, ye slythy toves werent fuckin around.

from the trailer for Jabberwocky 3D, the Movie (2015)

H ow does one begin a book? A letter, a word, soon a sentence, then another, and suddenly, a paragraph is begottena two-sentence paragraph.

Dickens, Melville, Odenkirk, all have faced the same question, and only one has failed. Melville. Call me Ishmael. Talk about giving up.