Alisha Gaddis - Mens Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny

Copyright 2015 by Alisha Gaddis

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, without written permission, except by a newspaper or magazine reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review.

Published in 2015 by Applause Theatre & Cinema Books
An Imprint of Hal Leonard Corporation
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Printed in the United States of America

Book design by UB Communications

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

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Contents

I know how it goes because we have been there.

You have an audition. One where you are supposed to be funny. Really funny. They want you to actually make them laugh... in an audition. And you want to be funny, so funny you book the job, land the part, steal the show!

But you have to have a comedic monologue, and everything you read is lame semiweird, and from 1983.

And you dont want that. You dont want to look like an idiot with a bad monologue or a Flock of Seagulls haircut. Leave the past in the past and prepare for hip, fresh, and hilariously now.

This book was conceived because I know a lot of funny people. People that make a living off of being funny. Let these funny people help you make a living off being funny yourself.

Nows the time to share the love and hilarity.

Pick a monologue. Book that job. Steal the show. Make them laugh.

And for goodness sake, dont do a monologue that isnt actually funny ever again.

Alisha Gaddis

Alisha Gaddis

PAUL , 2545

PAUL is a park ranger, who is obsessed with the job. He is drunk with love for his woods. Here, he is acting as a tour guide.

PAUL Watch your head here comes the branch of Ulmus castaneifolia or chestnut-leafed elm for those of you who are not in. the. know.

Watch your head. Watch your head. Right this way.

My name is Paul, as my nametag reads, no, not Paul Bunyonalthough some say I am built like an ox. [ Chuckles to himself. ]

Joking.

[ Clears throat. ] I am THE Park Ranger here at Kumquatanation National Park and Recreation Center. I started my training as an intern when I was a young twelve-year-old lad, and have worked my way up the competitive park ranger ladder ever since. It was as vicious and backstabbing as I am sure you all are thinkingbut worth the risks. You dont get this hat by just looking pretty. No siree.

Now, it is my duty to show you the grounds. Something I take seriously, because it is serious.

Some might say I OWN these woods. I say that. I say that a lot, actually.

This is my woods. My forest. My national land. I love my wood.

It may not bear my name, but we know each other. We get each other, intimately. By law it is yours, the peoples, as well as mine. Not something I agree with, but my petitions have been denied several times.

[ Looks off wistfullysees boy by poisonous bush. ]

Heyboy!get away from that pretty berry bush!It may look ripe and delicious like a womans loin, but it will eat you alive and leave you burning. Trust me. Ive been there.

Okay. Where was I?

Let me point out that over to the left is the Gazebo of Dreams under the Salix babylonica or weeping willowas you all call it. Such a sad name. For a glorious creature. Some people love the gazeboI love the tree. Look at her. Sheer beauty, grace, simple elegance. Just needs to be hugged. Tree hugged.

Alright. As your park ranger and a park ranger to allI must point out this creek. Look at all those families picnicking near. I wouldnt do that if I were you. This creek has excess fecal matter.

[ Beat. ]

No. Not human. Dont be ridiculous. Animal fecal matter. For some reason animals love to shit in this creek. They shit up Shit Creek and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Let nature be nature. And dont get too close while posing for your photos.

Shit Creek is not a metaphor. It is real. It is natural. It is life.

Over to your right you can see the Bridge of New Beginnings arching over Shit Creek. Some may call that ironic. I call it that. I call it that a lot.

Everyone seems to think this is a great place for pictures. If you choose to have your wedding hereyou probably will, too.

I think it is a great place to watch the frolicking young cervidaes , or like the common idiot calls themdeer. I call them friends. I call them that a lot.

So, this concludes the tour. I wish you all the best as future husband and wife, mating is natural after all. And remember if you have your special day here at Kumquatanation National Park and Recreation Center, please tell your guests to only leave footprints and take away memories.

But be carefulthese woods will take your heart and whisper your name. Sweet nothings, sweet nothings.

Also, the porta-potties are over the hill on the right. Cause this land was made for you and me. But mostly me.

Carla Cackowski

GOODMAN CLANCY , 30s to 60s

GOODMAN CLANCY , a Pilgrim, speaks privately to his wife in front of a wigwam.

GOODMAN CLANCY Now here this, Goody Clancy. If I fail to negotiate food plentiful enough for our family and community, all of us are fated to starve to death. Make no mistake, wife, I vow to secure a delicious feast from the natives.

[ The natives approach. ]

Good morrow, Chief Tomahay. Ah, yes, this is mine wife, Goody Clancy. And yours? Squaw? For serious? Squaw. Interesting name. Very... native-y. The pleasure is ours.

[ GOODMAN CLANCY steps forward to welcome Squaw. She cowers from him. ]

Forgive me. I didnt mean to scare ye, Squaw. Ye have never seen my kind up close.

[ GOODMAN CLANCY elbows the Chief .]

Only but briefly while raping and pillaging your tribe, ay?

[ GOODMAN CLANCY reacts to his wife hitting his arm. ]

A joke! [ Clears throat. ] Apologies. That was inappropriate. Im nervous. Moving on! I have called ye here, Chief Tomahay, because mine community is scared. Bellies empty. Nutrition denied. Festive dinner parties cancelledChief Tomahay, we are starving to death! I have seen your majestic crops. Might we negotiate a trade? Yes, yes, we get it. Thou can provide for yourself. No need to rub it in. But is there nothing ye can think of that we could trade?

Shoes? Shoes. Really? Okey dokey. Shoes. Ye are in luck! For mine wifes feet are adorned with a sole of special leather from the other side of the world. Well, England, of course. What did thou expect me to say? France? Yuck!

Come on, Goody Clancy. Give me your shoes. Yes, yes, I know, ye need shoes, but I need my shoes even more. I am the man, for goodness sake... I have hunting and gathering to do in these shoes!

[ GOODMAN CLANCY hands Goodys shoes to the Chief and is given a sack of potatoes in return. ]

Oh, heavenly day! Potatoes! Many blessings on your tribe, Chief Tomahay! Unfortunately, potatoes do not a feast make. Chief, perhaps there is something else your tribe desires? Well, what sort of white man would I be if I did not push my luck?

Shoes? Again? More shoes. Really? [ Whispers to wife. ] Wife, does thou have any more shoes? [ Rolls eyes .] Oh, fine. Here. Take mine.

[ GOODMAN CLANCY takes off his own shoes and hands them to the Chief. He is given another sack in return. ]

Corn. Yum yum. Indeed. Many blessings, Chief.

Mayhaps ye have some protein? Any meat? Oh, good! What would ye like to trade? Please dont say it... really? Shoes? Again? But youve got such nice moccasins adorning your feet. Our shoes are zero in ways of fashion. Look at the tassels thou has on those things!