Katy Wix - The Oberon Book of Comic Monologues for Women

THE OBERON BOOK OF
COMIC MONOLOGUES FOR WOMEN
VOLUME 2

KATY WIX

FOR WOMEN

Volume 2

Foreword by

Sharon Horgan

OBERON BOOKS
LONDON

WWW.OBERONBOOKS.COM

First published in 2015 by Oberon Books Ltd

521 Caledonian Road, London N7 9RH

Tel: +44 (0) 20 7607 3637 / Fax: +44 (0) 20 7607 3629

e-mail:

www.oberonbooks.com

Collection copyright Katy Wix, 2015

Foreword copyright Sharon Horgan 2015

Katy Wix is hereby identified as author of this work in accordance with section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The author has asserted her moral rights.

All rights whatsoever in these monologues are strictly reserved and application for performance, other than in an audition context, should be made before commencement of rehearsal to Curtis Brown Group Ltd., Haymarket House, 2829 Haymarket, London SW1Y 4SP; 020 7393 4400; . No performance may be given unless a licence has been obtained, and no alterations may be made in the title or the text of the monologue without the authors prior written consent.

You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or binding or by any means (print, electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

PB ISBN: 978-1-78319-923-5

EPUB ISBN: 978-1-78319-924-2

Cover design by James Illman

Printed, bound and converted

by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY.

Visit www.oberonbooks.com to read more about all our books and to buy them. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events, and you can sign up for e-newsletters so that youre always first to hear about our new releases.

Acknowledgements

Many thanks to everyone at Oberon for being so
wonderfully supportive and great to work with.
Thanks to Lily Williams, Charlie Weedon
and Jeanette Hunter. A big thank you to
Sharon Horgan and thank you very much Mandy Wix.

Contents

HONESTY

FOREWORD

Katy Wix makes me laugh 97% more than most people. And although comedy and what you find funny is incredibly subjective, she is the perfect person to have written a collection like this. Shes smart but off the wall. Shes bold but irreverent. Her voice is unique.

A book like this is long overdue a compilation of hilarious, sharp, witty and diverse comic speeches for women. So now you dont ever have to go looking for monologues again! No more trawling through screenplays and scripts on the dusty old Internet. Shes done the work for you. Its all here! And all of the characters are warm, interesting and very funny. They are a pleasure to read and will be a pleasure to perform.

So have fun. Katy would want it that way.

Sharon Horgan
September 2015

INTRODUCTION

Hello and welcome to the second volume of comic monologues for women you lucky thing! Here we are again. Sure as night follows day, so book two follows on from book one, as I bring you a brand new batch of original speeches.

There are many great books on the market providing audition material for performers, but I was surprised to find that there wasnt a collection of original and contemporary comic monologues solely for women and so decided to start writing them myself.

Naturally and correctly, everyone is now bored to the point of menstruation with the joyless and hopefully moribund Are Women Funny? debate. To me, the idea of asking if something is funny is like saying Whats tasty? Humour is surely as personal as your shadow or hairstyle. Wait, hang on I wasnt even going to engage with it as a debate. Oh balls, right, thats enough of that.

Like most overdone monologues, they are overdone for a reason: because they are good. However, the more performers I spoke to, especially those who wanted to perform comedy and enjoy performing something unheard, it became apparent that there was a real dearth of contemporary comic content. The classics remain a staple diet for any actress, but when it comes to comedy it seems they are subsisting on more meagre portions, which is why I wanted to write a second volume.

A monologue is often the point in a play where the character must speak; an impulse which summons them to voice something. And yet I read a great many speeches where female characters were either assuming the role of caretaker or rather helplessly reacting to events in the plot rather than actively changing them. There was a sense of passivity an external rather than internal locus of control. Lets give them the umbrella title for now of the Why Doesnt He Text Me Back? Whats Wrong With Me? monologues. Self-critiquing and being a loser in love are of course British comedy staples, but I didnt want it to be the only way of getting a laugh. If there were a Bechdel test equivalent for anthologies of original comic monologues for women then I like to think that this book would pass.

A lovely young actor called Megan very kindly took the time to write to me and phrased it perfectly:

As a 6ft tall definitely not a Juliet actress you have no idea how refreshing it was to find and read your incredible set of real women who also happen to be unbelievably hilarious also thank you for creating women who are able to talk about things other than men very rare and very appreciated.

A NOTE FOR PERFORMERS

Ordinarily when preparing an audition speech it is necessary to read the full play to better understand the character and situation. These monologues exist in a vacuum if you will free of contextual restraint. I have deliberately not included a playing range or accent. I would encourage you, the performer, to feel free to create your own story and background to these speeches and decide on your own interpretation. They are designed as a vehicle for you to best show off your performance skills.

I hope you find a speech that makes you laugh and that you will enjoy performing.

Good luck!

Katy

AN UNPLEASANT EVENT

I was seven when I saw my first trapeze artist die.

Not ideal. I say my first; it was my last as well. Havent got the stats. Not sure how many trapeze artists are scooped up off the floor at the end of a show say, in a year. I dont have the figures. Ive only witnessed the one, as I say, Im sure theres been others but you know, well, if a tree falls in a forest and all that. Oh yeah, she fell alright, but this wasnt a forest, it was a tent And it wasnt a tree, it was a woman. Splattered like an ink splodge, sequins everywhere. Never forget it. Even the elephants looked up and theyll never forget it and not just because theyre elephants. Zut Alors, I thought to myself if Id been French but Im not. Lovely pink tights she was wearing. Absolutely spot on. She popped herself on the ladder and she had a good old climb. Reached the top quick smile to the front row and she was off, like a little snowflake floating on the breath of a dream, beautiful and absolutely no hint of the death to follow. Until the tragic death, it was a ten. She began to build momentum; back 2, 3, 4, forward 2, 3, 4. She unfurled one pink leg, slowly, teasingly as if it was trying to tell us something.