Gaddis - LGBTQ Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny

Copyright 2016 by Alisha Gaddis

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, without written permission, except by a newspaper or magazine reviewer who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review.

Published in 2016 by Applause Theatre & Cinema Books

An Imprint of Hal Leonard Corporation

7777 West Bluemound Road

Milwaukee, WI 53213

Trade Book Division Editorial Offices

33 Plymouth St., Montclair, NJ 07042

Printed in the United States of America

Book design by UB Communications

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Gaddis, Alisha, editor.

Title: LGBTQ comedic monologues that are actually funny / edited by Alisha Gaddis.

Description: Milwaukee, WI : Applause Theatre & Cinema Books, 2016.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016020332 | ISBN 9781495025150 (pbk.)

Subjects: LCSH: Monologues. | ActingAuditions. | Sexual minoritiesDrama. | Comedy sketches.

Classification: LCC PN2080 .L525 2016 | DDC 812/.0450817dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016020332

www.applausebooks.com

Contents

This book is for you. You who are holding it.

This book is for the LGBTQ actor, as well as those auditioning for LGBTQ roles. Roles that are funny and meaty and diverse and complex and wonderfuljust like you.

This book was written by members of the LGBTQ community and its allies. Did you know this is the FIRST book ever of its kind? The VERY first book specifically for the LGBTQ actor in an LGBTQ role.

As I write this, I have just given birth to my daughter, Indiana Maven. She isnt even a month old yet. I look at her, and I want her to be exactly who she is. I want her to grow up in a world that is supportive and inclusive. A world where she feels loved just by being herself. I want her to know that she is always enough. Precisely as she is. (I also want her to be really, REALLY funny!)

This book came about because that should be the norm and not the exception.

So take this book. Be YOU! Take a monologue that is actually funny and DO IT! Be the actor that makes them laugh, books the part, and steals the showbeing EXACTLY who you are.

Alisha Gaddis

Alisha Gaddis

PAULINA , 28 to 45

PAULINA is a lesbian park rangerobsessed with her job and her woods. She spends all her time in the woods and does not want to interact with people, but must. She is serious, but tries to make awkward jokes. The pace of the monologue alters between drawn-out bits for emphasis, and then moving on swiftly.

PAULINA Watch your headhere comes the branch of Ulmus castaneifolia or chestnut-leafed elm for those of you who are not in the know.

Watch your head. Watch your head. Right this way.

My name is Paulina Bunyon, as my nametag reads. No, Paul Bunyon is not my twin brotheralthough some say I am built like an ox. [ Chuckles to herself. ]

Joking.

[ Clears throat. ] I am THE Park Ranger here at Kumquatanation National Park and Recreation Center. I started my training as an intern when I was a young twelve-year-old lass and have worked my way up the competitive park ranger ladder ever since. It was vicious and backstabbing as I am sure you are thinkingbut worth the risks. You dont get this hat by just looking pretty. No siree.

Now, it is my duty to show you the grounds. Something I take seriously, because it is serious.

Some might say I OWN these woods. I say that. I say that a lot, actually.

This is my woods. My forest. My national land. I love my woods.

It may not bear my name, but we know each other. We get each other, intimately. By law it is yours, the peoples, as well as mine. Not something I agree with, but my petitions have been denied by the county several times.

[ Looks off wistfullysees boy by poisonous bush. ]

Hey, boy! Get away from that pretty berry bushit may look ripe and delicious like a womans loin, but it will eat you alive and leave you burning. Trust me. Ive been there.

Okay. Where was I?

Let me point out that over to the left is the Gazebo of Dreams under the Salix babylonica or weeping willow as you laymen all call it. Such a sad name. For a glorious creature. Some people love the gazeboI love the tree. Look at her. Sheer beauty, grace, a quiet sadness. I only knew one girl like that. Leah Browning, seventh grade. I will never forget her silken hair shining in the sun like a Salix babylonica glistening in the morning dew. I wanted to hug her. I never did. But I hug THIS beauty all the time. And she always hugs back. No weeping here. Just hugs. Tree hugs.

Alright. As your park ranger and a park ranger to allI must point out this creek. Look at all those families picnicking near. I wouldnt do that if I were you. This creek has excess fecal matter.

[ Beat. ]

No, tall man with baseball hat. Not human fecal matter. Dont be ridiculous. Animal fecal matter. For some reason animals love to shit in this creek. They excessively shit up Shit Creek and there is nothing we can do to stop it.

Let nature be nature.

Shit Creek is not a metaphor. It is real. It is natural. It is life.

And dont get too close while posing for your photos. You will get hand, foot, and mouth disease.

Okay. Over to your right you can see the Bridge of New Beginnings arching over Shit Creek. Some may call that ironic. I call it that. I call it that a lot.

Everyone seems to think THIS is a great place for pictures. If you choose to have your wedding hereyou probably will too.

I am not married to anyone, because I am married to my job. Also, Sabrina said no when I asked her. But that was her mistake and not mine. Plus, she prefers birds over squirrels. Just from thatI should have known it would never work. Talk about a red flag.

I think the Bridge of New Beginnings it is a great place to watch the frolicking young cervidaes , or like the common idiot calls themdeer. I call them friends. I call them that a lot.

But they never call me. [ Chuckles to herself. ]

Joking.

[ Non-ironically. ] There is no cell reception down here.

So, this concludes the tour. I wish you all the best as husband and wife, husband and husband, etcetera and etceteramating is natural, after all. Just look at those rabbits humping.

And rememberif you have your special day here at Kumquatanation National Park and Recreation Center, please tell your guests to only leave footprints and take away memories.

Also, the porta-potties are over the hill on the right. Leave your shit where it belongs.

Leah Mann

SAM , 40 to 45

SAM , an androgynous woman, sits down in a well-appointed living room to break some devastating news to her beloved children.

SAM Okay, my darlingsplease sit still and listen, because Mommy has something very important to tell you.

[ Beat. ]

Its been a long time coming and Im sure you could tell that Mommy and Mommy have been fighting. Youre not stupid, and I know even though we try to keep you two out of it, you can still feel the tension between us and Im sorry for that.

[ Beat. ]

Sometimes mommies fall out of love. Sometimes one mommy is still in love and the other mommy starts acting distant so the first mommy gets frustrated and lashes out and then the mommies start fighting with each other and saying hurtful things. Then sometimes it turns out that the distant mommy was acting weird and cold because she started having an affair with another person, and not just any person, but a man that she works with who shes not even supposed to be sexually attracted to, but this cheating, lying mommy, has decided her sexuality is more tied up in intelligence and personality than gender or genitalia, despite making vows and having amazing sex with the mommy who never stopped being a supportive and loving partner.