Obama Barack - Dogfight: the 2012 presidential campaign in verse

Copyright 2012 by Calvin Trillin All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York. R ANDOM H OUSE and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc. The narrative poem that constitutes the bulk of this book appears here for the first time. Most of the poems embedded in it originally appeared in The Nation. The prose pieces originally appeared in The New Yorker, Slate, or The New York Times. ISBN 978-0-8129-9368-4
eISBN: 978-0-8129-9369-1 Jacket design: Misa Erder
Jacket illustrations: Barry Blitt www.atrandom.com v3.1 Mitt Romney put Seamus on top of the car. (He liked it up there, and we werent going far.) Obama, in boyhood, while in Indonesia, Once swallowed some dog meat without anesthesia.

Though dog lovers wouldnt be either mans base, A dogfight seemed what was in store for their race. And people were saying, We wonder which dudell Emerge as the pit bull, and which as the poodle.

The 08 votes for President were in. They showed Barack Obama with the win A solid win, a win that was historic. Americans were moved to wax euphoric. Yes, even some whod voted for McCain Were proud wed have a man of color reign As President.

Historians took note. Amidst the cheers, one versifier wrote, And foreigners from Rome to Yokohama Were cheering an American: Obama. From this vote, they were willing to infer We arent the people they had thought we were. And Lady Liberty, as people call her, Was standing in the harbor somewhat taller. The task this man would face, of course, was humbling: The whole economy had started crumbling. As people lost their jobs and houses too, The experts disagreed on what to do.

Some banks were saved, and some were left to fail. As Hamlet said, To bail or not to bail

And Congress seemed to any average voter Irreparable, much like a seized-up motor.

One hope persisted once Obamad won: That he would change the way that things were done. His victory, some said, could also mean The GOP was fading from the scene A party that was clearly in its throes. The Sabbath Gasbags on the Sunday shows Said at the least from now on we would see A dismal decade for the GOP A period filled with sadness and regrets, With losses like the early sixties Mets. The Gasbags, though, had said the same before To be precise, in 1964. Theyd said the landslide won by LBJ Might cause the GOP to fade away. But this was all forgotten by the date Of Nixons win in 1968.

The Gasbags have a minor brain affliction: They cant remember any wrong prediction.

The State of the Union, 2009 The State of the Unions the Presidents chance to speak, perorate, and evoke. For this years an honest first sentence would be The State of the Union is broke. To counter what Obama would orate To Congress on the nations shaky state, The top Republicans chose Bobby Jindal, In hopes a rising star like him could kindle Some sort of spark conservatives would find Inspiring, and not become resigned To wandering in the wilderness once more While Democratic liberals ran the store. But Jindal, thought to be a true past master Of speaking, was, in fact, a true disaster. This governors ideas seemed rather skimpy.

The governor himself seemed rather wimpy. He proved to be an easy man to mock: Hes like the dorky page on 30 Rock.

Bad Opening Night for the G.O.P. Yes, poor Bobby Jindal has flubbed his premiere. If this is the guy who they think is a star, Theres one thing to say, and to say loud and clear: Come back, Sarah Palin, wherever you are. In stories from the capital we read That now the GOP was close to dead And Democrats would soon be dancing jigs, Their opposition fading out like Whigs. Recovery moved slowly, step by step Called sluggish, though most slugs have much more pep. (The White House seemed afflicted with some shyness While letting them brand quite a plus a minus.) Some critics said that health care could have waited Until our unemployment woes abated. (The White House seemed afflicted with some shyness While letting them brand quite a plus a minus.) Some critics said that health care could have waited Until our unemployment woes abated.

Barack Obamas promised hope and change Seemed far away and maybe out of range. The Sabbath Gasbags then began to say Obamas mojo may have drained away.

Pundits Say Washington Must Instill Confidence The pundits say Obama must discuss Our plight but sound much less like Gloomy Gus: We need the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear leaders, Or, failing that, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. And meanwhile all across this wounded land Some angry people said theyd take their stand. They said that what the Framers had in mind Was not a government that seemed inclined To dominate our lives at work and play And grow much more intrusive every day. They said that those whod worked, obeyed the rules, Were now supporting layabouts and fools.

These folks were quick to vocally condemn All handouts (but the ones that went to them). Quite quickly, they were ready to proclaim They were a movement, and they took a name From Boston patriots who took such glee In tossing British tea into the sea.

In midterms what these rebels meant to do Was bid their partys moderates adieu. Their candidates in that election season Were those who think that compromise is treason. Sure, some of them ran weird campaigns wherein They showed themselves just too bizarre to win. Late Night Comics Bid Farewell to Christine ODonnell, Tea Party Senatorial Candidate from Delaware You surely were a hoot, Christine. Were sad to see you leave the scene.

We reveled in the revelation That youd condemned all masturbation. (Not only us but even anchors Enjoyed the way you fought those wankers.) Until you came along one day, Old witchcraft jokes had been pass. Because of you, just for a while, Those witchcraft jokes were back in style. So though, Christine, we now say ciao, We hope youre back two years from now.