Waller-Bridge - Fleabag: the scriptures

(earnest, touch of pain. To camera)

You know that feeling when a guy you like sends you a text at 2 oclock on a Tuesday night and asks if he can come and find you and youve accidentally made it out like youve just got in yourself, so you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business, suspender belt, the whole bit, and wait by the door until the buzzer goes

(buzzer goes)

And then you open the door to him like youd almost forgotten he was coming over.

She opens the door to a HANDSOME MAN.

(casual)

Oh hi!

Hey.

Hey.

Beat.

Hey.

(to camera)

And then you get to it immediately.

They start snogging violently.

They are going at it on the bed; we are looking at Fleabags back while she is on top. In a throe of passion Arsehole Guy flips her over onto her side so she is facing us, with him behind her.

(to camera)

After some pretty standard bouncing you realise that he is edging towards your arsehole. But youre drunk, and he made the effort to come all the way here so, you let him. Hes thrilled.

(whispered)

Im so thrilled.

Fleabag lies in bed, peacefully.

She suddenly opens her eyes and talks to us.

(to camera)

And then the next morning, you wake to find him fully dressed, sat on the side of the bed, gazing at you

REVEAL: Arsehole Guy is sat on the bed, gazing at Fleabag earnestly. Fleabag looks at him, and then back to camera.

(to camera)

He says that

Last night was incredible.

(to camera)

Which you think is an overstatement, but then he goes on to say that

It was particularly special because Ive never managed to actuallyup the bum with anyone before

(to camera)

To be fair, he does have a large penis.

And although its always been a fantasy of mine, Ivenever found anyone I could do it with.

(to camera)

And then he touches your hair.

He touches her hair.

And thanks you with a genuine earnest.

(earnest)

Thank you.

(to camera)

Its sort of moving. Then he kisses you gently.

He kisses her gently.

(to camera)

And then he leaves.

He leaves.

Beat.

Fleabag frowns.

(to camera)

And you spend the rest of the day wondering

CUT TO: INT. CAF MORNING

Fleabag sits with a cup of tea looking up into the distance pensively. A moment of real consideration passes before

(to camera, concerned)

Do I have a MASSIVE arsehole?

INT. BUS DAY

Fleabag sits, reading a newspaper. On the page we see an advert boasting: Thinking of getting a mortgage? with an inexplicably naked woman advertising it. Fleabag does not react. Because none of us do.

She looks around and catches the eye of a MAN who is looking at her over his paper. We can only see his eyes. He looks away shyly. She looks at the camera and raises her eyebrows slightly. Hello

He pulls his paper down and smiles and reveals that he has extraordinarily large front teeth.

She quickly looks away with a small grimace.

Fleabag and BUS RODENT are getting off at the same stop. They do a little awkward laugh at each other.

They stand next to each other.

(giggly)

WowUm. This doesnt happen very often, does it?

(really giggly)

Nooo noI er I suppose itsI suppose its quite rare, yeah.

(to camera)

I hate myself.

Um, are you going to work?

Oh, no actually I