Palin Michael - A Sackful of Limericks

If youve ever wondered what happened to the young fellow from Malta who bought his grandfather an altar If youre concerned about the camper called Jack who found a huge snake in his pack And if you suspect that an eccentric landowner called Grey spent Christmas a very strange way but arent sure precisely what that entailed Then a dip into Michael Palins Sackful of Limericks will provide all the answers and a lot of fun besides. When not engaged in composing limericks, Michael Palin acts, performs, writes books, and travels the world with a film crew in tow. As the old saying goes, a limerick is for life, and not just for Christmas. But there is something festive about this particular literary form, and Ive always thought their natural home might be inside a cracker, wrapped around those cosy little gifts like self-assembling ear-rings and plastic thumbscrews. No cracker company has yet seen the wisdom of my plan, so I decided to by-pass the Christmas table altogether and unload A Sackful of Limericks straight onto your pile of presents. Theyre written to appeal to all those who run out of things to unwrap.

Now, instead of looking sad and unloved, they can fight back by reciting a limerick or ten, entertaining, irritating and annoying all those who are slowly amassing socks, homemade jams and pruning shears. They can also be used when Grandad wakes up, or the computer goes down, or to get rid of unwanted guests. They can also be used to help digestion, frighten the cat, and break the ice when the vicar calls. Ive written them over the years, and many were originally published as a collection for children. I feel, though, that limericks are ageless. By which I mean that its impossible to put an age limit on them.

The form of a limerick has a certain melody to it, which, if you get it right, is something to which people of all ages can respond. Its also infuriatingly impossible to stop writing them once youve got the flow, which is why there are a lot in this collection which have not previously seen the light of day. So, with these confessions from a compulsive Limericist out of the way, it only remains for me to thank Caroline Roberts of Hutchinson who encouraged, nagged and generally cajoled me into the first published selection, Susan Sandon and Nigel Wilcockson at Random House for picking up the baton and inspiring me to add to the sackful, and my original and wonderful illustrator Tony Ross for coming on board again and bringing to life the weird collection of those who live in these limericks. Michael Palin London May 2016

There is no easy way to write limericks. The age-old formula of standing in a bucket of Mersey water with a kilt worn inside out is still not popular. There are those who swear by electrodes taped to the head and others who think that carrots eaten from the thick end downwards on the third Sunday of any month with an s in it are most effective, but for me theres nothing to beat a very large Scotch, a shoulder massage and an editor who rings every half-hour to see how its going.

But sometimes nothing works. I have sadly had to abandon certain limericks such as the one about the fellow from Grantham called Titus who was A boon to all limerick writers,The number of timesHis name could make rhymesWas practically ad infinitus. on the grounds of bad Latin; and the young man from Vermont Who had all that a young man could wantNice clothes, lots of cash,A non-serious rash,Except both legs were on back to front, as it didnt rhyme; and the policeman from Tring Who had an extraordinary thing But I did manage to write a limerick for a nice lady called Paula who said she was a midwife and no one ever wrote limericks about midwives: They said of a midwife called Paula, If there was any trouble just call her.Her skills in the waterShe learnt from a porter,Who delivered fish, fresh, off a trawler. Happy reading.

A doctor from near Aberdeen Had a pet anaconda called Jean. If you said, Please, Shed give you a squeeze But few of the patients were keen. A garage mechanic called Knowles Had more than his fair share of holes. A young man from Redcar, called Vince Used to drop very obvious hints Like, Oh dear, I say! Its my birthday today And Im right out of After Eight mints. A young man from Redcar, called Vince Used to drop very obvious hints Like, Oh dear, I say! Its my birthday today And Im right out of After Eight mints.

A deep-water sailor called Rod Used to dive in and rescue live cod. He wasnt a fool Who thought nets were cruel, But he certainly was pretty odd.

A banker from Ealing called Stott Awoke with a terrible spot. Though he put on some plaster It only grew faster And at work it went off like a shot. There once was a fellow called Lake Whose motives were somewhat opaque. An eccentric landowner called Grey Spent Christmas a very strange way. An eccentric landowner called Grey Spent Christmas a very strange way.

Instead of nice presents Hed give people pheasants, And laugh as they all flew away.

There was a young man called OToole, Who, when he saw food, used to drool; Pizza, mangoes or tripe, Avocado, when ripe Even gruel made his drool form a pool. A couple from Ruislip called Fryer Had a boat called The Wings of Desire. They sailed the canals With a boatload of pals And the cream of the local school choir. A troubled young fellow called Henshall Came over all existential. There was a young vicar from Usk Whose wife had an elephants tusk.