White - Last Rites

I didn't hear my phone at first.

I was walking up the steep hill to my house, legs working hard, chin tucked into my scarf to keep out the cold. The morning walk was my break from the mundane, where I could forget about the bickering at home or the long stretch of the day ahead. The air in the Lancashire hills woke me up, crisp and fresh, so different from when cotton ruled the valleys, when the giant chimneys filled the towns with smoke and every life centred on the huge redbrick mills clustered around the canal.

My walk wasn't just about the cold in my face though. The last year had seen too many chocolate runs or long nights in with takeaway and wine, and we'd both put on weight. We'd settled into each other. Maybe too much.

I turned as I walked and looked back on what had made me: Turners Fold a tired old collection of steep terraced streets, cobbled scars in the lush green view, like a museum of lost industry. But for me it was more than just that. As I looked, I saw all the haunts of my childhood. The park where I'd braved my first kiss, the sweeping crescents of the estate where I'd grown up, the school that had educated me so I could leave the town, which I did for a while, but the lure of home brought me back.

I smiled at the view. The mills were all empty now, the chimneys cleaned up, the buildings redeveloped as offices and apartments, or just left to crumble as grass grew through the floor and the windows fell in. But the town glowed from October dew and stood in silhouette against the sun spreading from the east, making me forget the bitterness of the wind.

I turned back and saw my house ahead, halfway up the hill, dry-stone walls lining the road, the old slate tiles and stubby chimney set against the fields behind. I thought I saw Laura through the window, just a shadow as she moved about inside. I waved but she didn't wave back.

Then I heard my phone, the ringtone set to the horns of Ring of Fire, an old Johnny Cash tune. I flipped it open and recognised the number. Sam Nixon, a local defence lawyer. He didn't call me that often and so he must have something good for me.

Hi Sam, I said, as I went into the house.

Laura looked up as I answered, but I turned away. She was making Bobby his breakfast but I could tell that she was listening.

I listened to Sam, and then said, Okay, I'll see you then, and closed my phone. I turned to Laura and tried to look innocent.

What did Sam Nixon want? she asked.

I sneaked my arm around her to pinch one of Bobby's soldiers. He said he would tell me when I got there.

Don't get mixed up in anything stupid, said Laura, and when I glanced back I saw her eyes flash me a warning.

What do you mean?

You know what I mean, she said wearily. Defence lawyers can mean trouble. Most don't see the line that separates their client from themselves.

Sam's not like that, I replied. And you know how it works.

And Laura did know. As a detective in the local police force, she saw too much of her hard work undone by crafty defence work, silence or lies peddled in the name of human rights. My side of crime was different. I sat at the side of the courtroom, writing up cases for the local paper, usually just sidebar stuff. I'd done some feature work, even used to do freelance in London, but it was too uncertain, sometimes dangerous, and it wasn't a good time for me to take risks.

Laura sighed heavily and gave Bobby a kiss on the top of his head. Not now, Jack, she said. We can't afford to mess this up, not so near the end.

I turned away and walked into the kitchen, a small windowless room partitioned off from the living room. I didn't want an argument, not so early.

Laura came into the kitchen behind me. Jack, talk to me.

I turned around, the kettle in my hand. It's all we talk about these days, I replied sullenly.

I just don't want you getting wrapped up in anything stupid, that's all, said Laura.

I know, I heard you, I replied. Our lives are on hold, just so we don't upset your ex-fucking-husband. The words came out harsher than I intended.

Do you think I'm enjoying it? she snapped back at me. Waiting for someone else to decide who my son can live with? Is that what I had in mind when I moved up here?

I paused and took a deep breath. I'm sorry, I said, putting the kettle down and holding my arms out to her, trying to pull her towards me. I wasn't having a go. I know it's harder for you.

Laura shrugged me off. No, you don't know how it is for me, she said angrily. I'm the one who has made the sacrifices. I moved north with you, with my son, made a new life for us. No, hang on, that's wrong. I moved north for you, and sometimes I just wonder whether I did the right thing or whether we should have stayed in London, where I wouldn't get the fucking martyr treatment every time the situation gets a bit inconvenient.

I looked to the ceiling. We'd had the same row too many times now, but I knew it wasn't us. We were good together, in those quiet moments we shared, when the custody battle for Bobby was forgotten for a few hours and we got the chance to relax but those moments were getting further apart.

Look, it's okay, I said. Sam just said he had a story for me. When Laura didn't look convinced, I added, It will be nothing. Some tip, an overnight case or something.