Grant Jerkins - A Very Simple Crime

Table of Contents

Audrey Kelly saw something of value in this story and advocated tirelessly for it, as did Ed Schneider and Brian Overland. Thank you.

I would like to also thank each of the following people who contributed to this book in some significant way: Doug Crandell, Ginger Leonard, Jill Haynes, Bonnie Stacey, Wanda Standridge, Rita Kempley, Tom Kavanagh, Joan Scoccimarro, Ruth Newman, Susan Dyer, Angela M. Olsen, Collin Kelley, and Kate Brady. Terry Curtis Fox suggested the title.

At Berkley Books I want to acknowledge the significant contribution of my editor, Natalee Rosenstein, and my appreciation goes to Michelle Vega for lighting the way.

Literary Agent Robert Guinsler made it look far too easy. Thank you, Robert.

Lastly, I want to state the obvious: that people with developmental disabilities are no more prone to violence than any other individuals. We are fortunate to live in a time when institutions such as the one depicted in this book are closing, and people who were once institutionalized are now recognized as important contributors to their communities and workplaces.

Im crazy for tryin
and crazy for cryin
and Im crazy for lovin you

WILLIE NELSON, CRAZY

After our parents violent and unexpected deaths, my brother, Monty, and I were taken in by our mothers sister and her family. As if to accentuate our already profound sense of displacement, we were delegated to a makeshift bedroom in the basement of our aunts suburban home, separate from those in the levels above.

As we mourned the sudden and unexpected loss of our parents, the basement seemed an appropriate environment. For us, the basement was not a hardship, though. We shared a dim room in the damp space beneath the house. We grew to love it. We had privacy to experiment with stolen cigarettes and stay up till all hours watching black-and-white crime movies. We were separate from the rest of the family, the strangers above us who shared our blood, and we were rulers, or so it seemed to us, of our own domain.

The basement, being belowground, was completely without light at nighttime. The deepest darkness. One night, I woke needing to use the bathroom and clambered from my bed to make the trip upstairs to the only bathroom in the house. The bathroom was our only connection to the others who lived in the house with us, the need to relieve bodily functions our only acknowledgment to those who lived above. This night, I neglected to turn on the bedside lamp to light my way. Why should I? It was a trip I had made countless times before. I could have easily negotiated the course with my eyes closed. But this time, for whatever reason, somewhere along the way, I got lost.

I think that I became conscious of the darkness. That must have been it. The void of the absolute absence of light. Only a few steps from my bed, I paused along the familiar path. I tried to see my own hand held inches from my eyes, but I couldnt. I was blind. Lost. Frightened.

I began to walk as a caricature of a blind man. Feeling my way. Tapping my foot cautiously in front of me, finding nothing but emptiness. After what seemed hours, I touched the cool, smooth hardness of the painted cement wall. Thinking I had found an anchor, a landmark of familiarity, I relaxed somewhat. I rested for a moment, thinking myself foolish for being frightened earlier, but I soon realized I was still lost. The wall felt alien to me. Porous and somehow obscene. I followed it and followed it and followed it, loathing the foul feel of it, but still it led me nowhere. Panic rose in my throat, tight like a clenched fist. I played my fingers over each painted pore of each cinder block in the wall. It felt as though I had been transported to some crater-blasted alien landscape. A certainty grew in me that soon, my searching hand would touch something cool and wet and elastic. Something alive. I gave in to my fear and forgot my pride. I called out for my brother. Monty! Monty! Monty! His bedside light clicked on, and my old familiar world swam into focus. Monty blinked at me and asked what was wrong. I felt like a fool. I was standing alone, in an unlikely corner, like some piece of unused furniture pushed out of the way. I felt shame, but also relief. I stood dumbly caught in the light, my outstretched hand less than an inch from the light switch.

Now I find that Ive fallen prey to this unlikely phenomenon once again. I was living my life as I always had, as I believed I always would. I did not stumble blindly toward death; rather, each step of my life seemed preordained, as though it had been planned out a thousand years before I was born. And I took each step with complacent pleasure, knowing I was taking the right path. I strode proudly, if predictably, through my life.

But something went wrong. I faltered. Misstepped.

Somewhere along the way, I got lost.

The courtroom is not what I expected. It is very quiet most of the time. The lawyers murmur their objections when they find something objectionable. They are almost polite in their questioning. Today is the last day of the trial. Today is the day I will be called upon to explain myself, to defend my actions. Monty is my lawyer. Thirty-five years later and I still need my brother to save me from the darkness. He leans over and whispers into my ear, Today I am my brothers keeper. He stands, handsome as ever, his suit impeccable, his hair receding but still a burnished blond and freshly cut in a boyish style that makes him seem impossibly young, impossibly beautiful. He addresses the judge. Your Honor, the defense would like to call as its last witness the defendant, Mr. Adam Lee.

I stand. I feel awkward as I push my chair back. The area between the defense table and the witness box seems improbably open and impossibly immense, and the panic of the agoraphobic washes over me. I concentrate on not tripping over my own feet as I make my way into this vast open space. I see the witness seat ahead of me, empty and waiting for my arrival, and I know that it will be years before I can complete the journey to reach it. I glance up and to the left and see the judge watching me. I smile at him stupidly, thinking that he knows what Im feeling, having seen this drama played out a thousand times before. I feel the twenty-four eyes of the full jury box watching me, gauging me, wondering why I am walking like the hypnotized, the drugged, the undead. Finally, I climb the two steps into the witness box and grasp the chair like an exhausted swimmer touching land.

Looking out into the gallery, I wonder if the reporters will comment on my stilted trek to the stand, my dazed appearance. Then my brothers face fills my vision, and even now, blind from the darkness that surrounds me, I am in awe of his beauty.

Mr. Lee, after everything thats gone on before this moment, theres really only one question that matters. Ill ask it point-blank. Adam Lee, did you murder your wife?

Just as Monty has coached me, I do not hesitate with my answer, yet still, in the time it takes me to open my mouth and spit the words out, I can feel the eyes of the jury on me, drinking me, eating me, like the body of Christ.

No, I say. No. I loved my wife.

Rachel had always been a good wife. But at some point, and without my realizing I had done it, I did to her what had been done to me and my brother so long ago. I delegated her to a lower level. She was still there, with me, seemingly an important fixture in my life, as always, but now in a place below me, separate.