Rob Loughran - The Official Donald Trump Jokebook

The Official Donald TrumpJokebook Including theTrump-tionary Rob Loughran Published on Smashwords by BUBBA CAXTON BOOKS, Windsor, CA Copyright Rob Loughran, 2016 * * * All rights reserved. Without limitingthe rights under copyright reserved above, no part of thispublication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into aretrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means(electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise)without the prior written permission of both the copyright ownerand the above publisher of this book. Warning: The unauthorized reproductionor distribution of this copyrighted work is illegal. Criminalcopyright infringement, including infringement without monetarygain, is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to five(5) years in federal prison and a fine of $250,000. This is a work of fiction. Names,characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either theproduct of the author's imagination or are usedfictitiously.

Smashwords Edition LicenseNotes This e-book is licensed for yourpersonal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or givenaway to other people. If you would like to share this book withanother person, please purchase an additional copy for each personyou share it with. Thank you for respecting the author'swork. Formatted by * * * A certain kind of richman afflicted with the symptoms of moral dandyism sooner or latercomes to the conclusion that it isn't enough merely to make money.He feels obliged to hold views, to espouse causes and electPresidents, to explain to a trembling world how and why the worldwent wrong. The spectacle is nearly always comic.

Lewis H.Lapham Did you hear about the terrorists whokidnapped Donald Trump? They are threatening to release himunless all their demands are met. How has Donalds real estate careerprepared him for the presidency? Hes been kicking black families outof their homes for years. What will Donald do before he deportsall the illegals? Make certain his pools are cleaned andlawns are mowed. Donald walks into a bar and adiscussion about Middle Eastern relations ensues. Donald intones,If Im President Ill just give our Constitution to Middle Easterncountries. After all, its worked for us for nearly 250years.

Besides, says thebartender, you wont be using it anyway. A personal assistant walks intoTrumps office, Sir, Ive got good news and bad news. Whats the good news?asks Trump. Gods on thephone. Whats the badnews? Shes calling from MexicoCity and sounds pissed. Did you hear Donald Trump is in an OffBroadway production of The Vagina Monologues? He plays the hair.

Why doesn't Donald Trump usePreparation H? Because he's the perfectasshole. How do you sleep like DonaldTrump? First you lie on one side and then youlie on the other. Whats brown and black and would lookgreat on Donald Trump? A Doberman. Whats Donald Trumps campaignsong? We ShallOvercomb. Why are Muslims worried about TheDonald becoming president? Because if you deport Juan you deportJamal. Why are the jokes in this book soshort? So Trump supporters can understandthem.

A seventh grade history teacher asked,Class? Who said Give me liberty or give me death? Juanita raised her hand and said inslightly accented English, Patrick Henry. Quite good, Juanita. Nowclass, who said, I regret that I have but one life to give for mycountry? Juanita said, NathanHale. Very good Juanita. Andclass, Im disappointed that a student recently moved here fromMexico knows more about American history than you do. Fuck the Mexicans, saida voice from the back of the room.

Who said that? said theteacher. Juanita said, DonaldTrump. Melania, says Donald, Ihave good news and bad news. Whats the goodnews? It appears Ill win thepresidency and my immigration reform will become law. Whats the badnews? Im going to missyou. How does Trump say Fuckyou? Trust me.

Donald and Melania Trump are drinkingwith Bill and Hillary Clinton and they decide to foster someDemocratic/Republican understanding by mate swapping for theevening. After sex Hillary props herself up on an elbow and says,You are an amazing lover! I had twelve or thirteen orgasms. Shekisses her new lover tenderly and says, I wonder how the boys aredoing? Donald Trump said to a job applicant,I want you to strip, walk to the open window, then wave yourcock-and-balls around. Do they needair? No. I just hate thatimmigration lawyer across the breezeway. Why should Trump be buried 30 feetunder the ground? Because down deep hes probablyalright.

Whats the difference between DonaldTrump and a vulture? A vulture cant remove hiswingtips. Trump visited a coal mine in WestVirginia. Is it true youre one of our wealthiest men? asked oneof the miners. Trump admitted that this was true. Is it true thatyouve never wanted for anything and had everything you wanted? Iguess so, Trump replied. Is it true youve never done a dayswork with your hands all your life? Trump nodded.

Well, Big Man,let me tell you this, said the miner. You havent missed afucking thing. How do you save Donald Trump fromdrowning? Take your foot off hishead. Donald Trump, riding in the back of astretch limousine, saw two men eating grass by the side of theroad. He ordered his driver to stop. The Donald got out and asked,Why are we are you eating grass? We aint got no money forfood.

Donald furrowed his brow inconcentration and said, You can come with me to my house forsomething to eat. But I got me a wife andthree kids. Bring them along, saidDonald. But what about myfriend? He can come with us too,said Donald. But hes got a wife andsix kids. Bring them all.

Ill sendmy limo back to pick you up. Thats very kind of you.Thanks. Glad to do it. Youregonna love my place. The grass is about a foot tall. Trump goes to the doctor who says, Ineed a stool sample, a blood sample, a urine sample, and a semensample.

Im in a bit of a hurryrunning for President, says Trump. Can I just leave you my boxershorts? Making his rounds on the campaigntrail Donald notices a mother with an unusually small child. Heasks the lady, Premature? No, testtube. Just goes to show, Trumpsays, spare the rod, spoil the child. Why was Donalds pregnancy so hard onhis mother? She had constant cravings for bolognaand burps that tasted like bullshit. Donald is walking down the street andhe steps into some juicy dogshit.

He looks down and says, Didntwe used to run a company together? Donald Trump goes to Dr. Mackey for asecond opinion. After a thorough examination the doctor determinesthat Donald has terminal cancer. Theres no treatment available andhes going to die a slow and painful death. The doctor sits Donalddown and tells him the terrible news. Later that evening at home,Dr.

Mackey receives a phone call from Donalds primary carephysician, Whyd you tell him he was dying? He has every ethical andlegal right to know, says Dr. Mackey. I know that. But I wantedto tell him. Whats the difference between a DonaldTrump and a barracuda? The hair and spray-on tan. What did Donald say toObama? Orange is the newblack.

Donald Trump goes in for atonsillectomy and mistakenly gets a sex change. Im suing, hescreams. I cant believe Ill never experience anothererection. Oh sure you will, saidthe doctor. It will just be someone elses. Donald Trump goes to the doctor tohave his tennis elbow treated.

Expecting a quick diagnosis and aprescription for some anti-inflammatory drugs, he was shocked whenthe doctor told him he needed to provide a urine sample. Thatsexactly whats wrong with health care in this country! Why a urinesample? Its my freaking elbow. Its a state of the artdiagnostic technique. Cutting edge technology. It will detect anyabnormality anywhere in your body. But I cant pee now.

Ijust went. Bring the cup home andbring in a sample tomorrow. Angry at all the inconvenience Donaldgives the cup to his daughter to pee in, adds some motor oil fromhis limo, and jacks off into the cup. The next day he returns tothe doctor with the sample. The doctor pours it into hisstate-of-the-art-machine and immediately a paper pops out. Hereads: Donald: Your daughter is pregnant.