Sambuchino - When clowns attack: a guide to the scariest people on earth

Step right up. Come one, come all . What you read in these pages just might save your life.

Right now, in every nation around the globe, the greatest danger isnt nuclear proliferation or the possibility of World War III. It is, in fact, clowns. I know what youre thinking sure, these red-nosed jokers are creepy, but theyre not really dangerous, and all those rumors about clowns and crime (such as the size-22 shoe prints found near where they last saw Jimmy Hoffa) are just the sensational drivel of conspiracy theorists.

Those kinds of nave misconceptions are exactly what people think right before they get stabbed in a neighborhood controlled by clown gangs.

The truth is, while plenty of these bozos are capable of only acts such as petty theft right before they drunkenly pee their pants, too many others commit much worse crimesespecially if you provoke them. Clowns are everywhere, both in costume and in plainclothes, and if you encounter one mano a clowno, your best-case outcome is a traumatized child (and adult); the worst is loss of loot, limb, or life.

For decades these performers have haunted usat Halloween fright fests, in the depths of carnival funhouses, and in Batman movies. All the while, we wonder what the heck theyre hiding in those enormous shoes. Weapons? Booze? A syringe? Probably all threewe just dont know. We generally dont know anything about a clownhence our fear of them. And after decades of their multiplying unchecked and engaging in a public relations campaign to make us believe theyre symbols of jollity and happiness, our planet now confronts a full-blown bozo epidemic.

Its with all this in mind that I, founder of the anti-clown group Red Nose Alert, sat down to compose this life-saving guide. Both my grandfathers suffered assaults at the hands of deranged jokers years ago, so I learned from a young age that clowns are just as violent and demented as weve suspected. We at Red Nose Alert want to share our knowledge with you before its too late.

However evil you may already think these performers are, theyre worse. Some will assault bystanders for no reason; others are working with much grander goals in mind. Want details? Brace yourself. Clown cartels control illicit drug distribution channels, black-market organ sales, and pantaloon outlet stores in every major city worldwide. To keep their numbers high, they abduct and brainwash children to join their polka-dotted ranks. And once theyve collected enough money, children, and helium, theyll realize their ultimate goal of world dominationwhere brutal clown law is absolute and final.

Have you ever wondered why clowns eat so many Twinkies? Its because these cream-filled snacks can survive a nuclear blast, and clowns are convinced that if they consume enough Twinkies, no amount of radiation will be able to stop them. After the nuclear fallout, all that will be left are cockroaches and clownswhich was exactly their plan all along. Meanwhile, every year, while the public continues to believe that clowns are happy, peppy people at best, and a little creepy but harmless at worst, they inch that much closer to the front door and your toddler.

But fear not. Now that you are aware of the imminent danger, youre much safer than you were sixty seconds ago. The next thing you can do is rip up those tickets to the circus and then sit down to learn everything you can about protecting yourself and your family. Do you know how to use a banana peel or exploding cigar to stop a group of approaching jokers? How shoe color designates clown gang rankings? We will teach you all that and more.

In these pages, youll learn everything you need to know about clown anatomy and attire, clown props, locations and gatherings of clowns, clown attacks, infamous clowns (serial killer John Wayne Gacy, anyone?), and more. So what you need to do now is go to the window and listen for circus music or any hyuk-hyuk laughter. Peer out into the street to check for unicycle graffiti symbols or plainclothes clown gangsters selling laughing gas right there in broad daylight. If its all clear, then youre safefor now. Deadbolt the doors and settle in. This book will no doubt save your skin.

The pro-clown lobby has recently led a public relations effort to dismiss fear of clownscoulrophobiaas an irrational fear or absurd phobia. But dont be fooled. People are innately afraid because they should be. Clowns thrive on creating discomfort, disruption, fear, and chaosand were supposed to be OK with this madness simply because they do it with a smile.