Whaley - The Bluffers Guide to Dogs

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This edition published 2013
Copyright Bluffers 2013

Publisher: Thomas Drewry
Publishing Director: Brooke McDonald

Series Editor: David Allsop
Design and Illustration: Jim Shannon

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The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have the one that never deserts him and the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his dog

George Graham Vest

I t is a truth universally acknowledged that a human in possession of a good home must be in want of a dogespecially because of the huge prize money available from entering them into TV talent shows.

However, in a world where fame lasts no longer than 15 seconds (a relatively long time in dog years), it may come as a surprise to discover that the domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris) and mankind (Homo sapiens) have been working together for roughly 15,000 years, making it one of the most successful inter-species relationships in history. The irony is not lost on the astute dog bluffer who will have spotted that, when many of mans own relationships break down, more effort is put into fighting for custody of the dog than anything else except the children (and sometimes even them).

The most famous description of the bond between man and dog can be attributed to an American politician and lawyer, George Graham Vest. In September 1870, he represented a dog owner whose faithful four-legged companion, Old Drum, had been shot dead by a local sheep farmer. This farmer had publicly declared that any dog found on his property would be shot. Old Drums owner sued for damages, and, in a classic courtroom drama, Vest turned to the jury and said: The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can havethe one that never deserts him and the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous is his dogHe guards the sleep of his pauper master as if he were a prince. When all other friends desert, he remains.

Vests heartfelt words pulled the jurys heartstrings so strongly that he won the case, and Old Drums owner was awarded $500 compensation (so the story goes), 10 times the maximum limit for damages at that time. Since that day, dogs have been known as mans best friend.

Over the years, many millions of dog owners have happily invited their canine friends into their homes, spending hours training them to sit, stay and roll over dead when they shout bang at them. You will of course realise that in these dog-friendly households, it is the dog who has successfully trained the family to run around after him or her, not the other way around.

But dogs are social animals. Leave them home alone for too long and they might be tempted to trash the place. Alternatively, theyll simply leave something unpleasant in your bed, chew the chair legs on your dining furniture, and annoy the neighbours with their incessant howling. Dog-behaviour specialists refer to this as separation anxiety. Dog owners refer to it as bloody annoying. How are they supposed to pay the vet bills if they dont go out to work? Its a fair enough point, but if they cant make arrangements for the dog to be walked in their absence, they might wonder about the wisdom of having a dog in the first place. Very few dogs homes and rescue centres will rehome a dog unless there are guarantees about regular daily routines involving plenty of exercise and activity. And then theres the dog to consider.

Dogs can be the ideal companion: they dont answer back (apart from a warning growl if you try to detach them from a chew), they dont care if you leave the seat up on the toilet (in fact, this often makes drinking out of the toilet bowl easier for them) and theyre more than happy to curl up on the sofa with you and watch a football game or a soppy film. However, in younger families with nearly every member at school or work, theres often little for the dog to do on their own during the day. Theres only so much daytime TV any dog can take. So if you want to be taken seriously as one who understands something of the particular group dynamics involved in a situation where a human family and a dog live together, then you will need a grasp of the essential facts which is where this short guide can help you.

This book sets out to conduct you through the main danger zones encountered in discussions about dogs, and to equip you with a vocabulary and evasive technique that will minimise the risk of being rumbled as a bluffer. It will give you a few easy-to-learn hints and methods that might even allow you to be accepted as a dog expert of rare knowledge and experience. But it will do more. It will give you the tools to impress legions of marvelling listeners with your wisdom and insight without anyone discovering that, until you read it, you probably didnt know the difference between a Pekapoo and a shih-tzu.

When it jumps onto a double bed, a dog will seek to split the human occupants by lying down between them, gradually nudging them further apart. It will rarely be satisfied until at least one of you is on the floor.

A dog is not a wolf in sheeps clothing (otherwise it would look like a sheep). However, todays domestic dogs do share a significant amount of DNA with their wolf cousins. There is a debate about when the relationship between man and wolf, or dog, first began to develop; some say it was 14,000 years ago, while others say it could be as many as 17,000 years ago. The bluffer does not need to split dog hairs over this. Suffice to say that scientists are using fossils to determine this information, so however you look at it, it was a very long time ago.

With all relationships, it takes two to tango, and in this most unusual relationship (for the dog is the only species to take instructions from another animal species as if it were its own), it was the dog who tangoed the first step. This is proof, if ever any more were needed, that dogs have been training humans for far longer than humans think theyve been training dogs.

Initially, wolves were attracted to man because of the fire he had created to keep himself warm. This vestigial link continues today, with most dogs successfully curling up in front of the domestic fire, preventing much of the heat reaching the human.

HUNTING HOUNDS

Like humans, dogs are hunters. However, theyre also opportunists. If a human is stupid enough to leave an unattended joint of meat at nose height on a kitchen worktop, a dog is not going to examine its conscience and turn down the opportunity to eat it. They are intelligent animals, who were quick to realise that while they had the means to hunt in packs and bring down huge beasts, there were easier ways of finding supper. Scavenging for food is much safer. Why go out and risk being seriously harmed in the hunt for food, when you can send a human to get a tin of something chunky in gravy from the nearest supermarket?