Whaley - Highly Illogical Behaviour

S olomon never needed to leave the house anyway. He had food. He had water. He could see the mountains from his bedroom window, and his parents were so busy all the time that he pretty much got to be sole ruler of the house. Jason and Valerie Reed let it be this way because, eventually, giving in to their sons condition was the only way to make him better. So, by the time he turned sixteen, he hadnt left the house in three years, two months, and one day. He was pale and chronically barefoot and it worked. It was the only thing that ever had.

He did his schoolwork onlineusually finishing it before his parents were home every evening, with bed head and pajamas on. If the phone rang, hed let it go to voice mail. And, on the rare occasion that someone knocked on the door, he would look through the peephole until whoever it wasa Girl Scout, a politician, or maybe a neighborwould give up and leave. Solomon lived in the only world that would have him. And even though it was quiet and mundane and sometimes lonely, it never got out of control.

He hadnt made the decision lightly, and it should be said that he at least tried to make it out there for as long as possible, for as long as anyone like him could. Then one day trying wasnt enough, so he stripped down to his boxers and sat in the fountain in front of his junior high school. And right there, with his classmates and teachers watching, with the morning sun blinding him, he slowly leaned back until his entire body was underwater.

That was the last time Solomon Reed went to Upland Junior High and, within a matter of days, he started refusing to go outside altogether. It was better that way.

Its better this way, he said to his mom, who begged him each morning to try harder.

And really, it was. His panic attacks had been happening since he was eleven, but over the course of just two years, hed gone from having one every few months, to once a month, to twice, and so on. By the time he hopped into the fountain like a lunatic, he was having mild to severe panic attacks up to three times daily.

It was hell.

After the fountain, he realized what he had to do. Take away the things that make you panic and you wont panic. And then he spent three years wondering why everyone found that so hard to understand. All he was doing was living instead of dying. Some people get cancer. Some people get crazy. Nobody tries to take the chemo away.

Solomon was born and will, in all likelihood, die in Upland, California. Upland is a suburb of Los Angeles, just about an hour east of downtown. Its in a part of the state they call the Inland Empire, which really floats Solomons boat because it sounds like something from Star Trek, which is a television show he knows far too much about.

His parents, Jason and Valerie, dont know too much about Star Trek, despite their sons insistence that its a brilliant exploration of humanity. It makes him happy, though, so theyll watch an episode with him every now and then. They even ask questions about the characters from time to time just so they can see that excited look he gets.

Valerie Reed is a dentist with her own practice in Upland, and Jason builds movie sets on a studio lot in Burbank. Youd think this would lead to some great stories from work, but Jasons the kind of guy who thinks Dermot Mulroney and Dylan McDermott are interchangeable, so most of his celebrity sightings cant be trusted.

A week after he turned sixteen, Solomon was growing impatient as his dad tried to tell him about an actor hed seen on set earlier that day.

You know the guy with the mustache. From the show the show with the theme song

Thats every show on TV, Dad.

Oh, you know the guy. The gun guy!

The gun guy? What does that even mean?

The guy. He holds the gun in the opening thing. I know you know the guy.

I dont know. Hawaii Five-O?

Thats a movie, not an actor, his dad said.

Its a television show. How can you work in Hollywood?

You get your schoolwork done today? Solomons mom asked as she walked into the living room.

This morning. How was work?

I got a new patient today.

Keep bringing in those big bucks! his dad joked.

Nobody laughed.

She says she went to Upland Junior High. Lisa Praytor? Does that ring a bell?

Nope, Solomon replied.

Nice girl. Beautiful molars. But shes going to need to get those wisdom teeth out in a year or two or shell have to get braces all over again.

Did you have braces? Solomon asked.

Headgear. It was awful.

Oh, it all makes sense now. You want to put others through the torture of your childhood.

Dont analyze me.

Solomon, stop analyzing your mother, his dad said from behind a book, one of those creepy mystery novels he was always reading.

Anyway, shes a nice girl. Pretty too. Only one cavity.

Solomon knew good and well what was going on. His mom was doing that thing she did where she thought talking about some pretty girl would suddenly cure her son and have him walking right out the front door and straight to high school. It was innocent enough, but he hoped she wasnt actually that desperate for him to change. Because, if she was, then wouldnt these little moments, built up over time, eventually collapse into a mess?

Hed heard their conversations about him a few times. When he was ten he learned that if he held a plastic cup against his bedroom wall, he could hear everything his parents were saying in their bedroom. The last time he listened was when his mom asked his dad if they were going to be stuck with him forever. After she said it, he didnt hear anything for a while. Then he realized it was because shed started crying as soon as the words left her mouth. Hours later, Solomon was still awake wondering how to answer his mothers question. He eventually decided on a hard yes.