Peter Barber - Texts From Dad

24th March 2020

Im trapped! A prisoner. House arrest. Confined to barracks. Only allowed to drive to supermarkets, nowhere else. Only allowed to walk once a day but stay close to home but not drive there.

Yesterday Boris Johnson made his televised announcement that Great Britain is now closed. After weeks of dithering he has finally announced the following new rules.

1. Stay at home.
2. Go shopping only for basic necessities.
3. One form of exercise a day either alone or with members of your household.
4. Leave home only for medical need or to provide care, or help vulnerable person.
5. Travel to work but only if necessary and you cannot work from home

This has been coming for a couple of weeks. Last week he announced that although the pubs can remain open, nobody should go there. Restaurants and theatres should be avoided at all costs, but still allowed to remain open.

Prior to this, the main government advice was to wash your hands while singing Happy Birthday twice.

Now everything must close. No more football, no more TV sport, no more of wandering aimlessly around the shops to buy tat that you dont need. What will we do with our time? By the way. What are basic necessities? I hope it includes beer.

Schools started to close on the 18th March. Restaurants were forced to close on 20th March, and my favourite pub closed its doors at Friday 20th March at seven minutes past eight. I distinctly remember the time because my watch broke while I was being dragged by my feet away from the bar, leaving furrows on the wood from my fingernails whilst trying to cling on for a few more minutes begging for just one more beer.

So, I cant go to work. Disappointed that I cant go to the gym. I did join over a year ago on a sudden impulse to get in shape but never went. But I would have liked to start now but thats closed too. I can always assure my wife that I was going to get in shape, but the government wouldnt let me. That may work.

As I will have to stay at home, I will need to plan this very carefully. Very soon my wife will start to realise that I will be sitting around doing nothing and start getting ideas of how to keep me occupied. This is likely to include gardening and home improvements. I already have the excuse that no hardware shops will be open so will probably get away with decorating. Getting out of digging the garden will be a little more challenging but it might rain, I hope.

Boris has promised an update on the lockdown in three weeks. This will certainly be extended. I think we are likely to be trapped for at least two months, so we need to start getting used to it. Quietly looking forward to doing nothing for a while anyhow.

25th March 2020

Currently not working so decided to send daily texts. Strange how human behaviour has changed in a week. We thought ventilators were things to keep you cool on a warm day. Dyson has been asked to make some ventilators in his vacuum cleaner factory. I hope he remembers to ensure that it blows not sucks.

Shaking hands is right out, kissing banned. Violence will now be confined to verbal abuse as no touching allowed.

In the old days you used to cough to cover a fart. Now we have to fart to cover a cough as coughing is really embarrassing. Safe sex used to be wearing a condom. Now it involves a spacesuit, large quantities of viral handwash and staying two metres apart.

Tube train timetable has been cut to half the trains ensuring passengers that need to work have to stand close together. Brilliant solution. Hospitals only testing patients that already have the virus. Not doctors or nurses who are more likely to get it.

Government promises to pay 80 percent of wages. Not seen this yet. Perhaps they are waiting for more people to die so they save money. Government telling everyone to stay home with the kids. After a few days coronavirus will seem quite attractive.

26th March 2020

Has anyone noticed how difficult it is to suppress a sneeze? I went shopping for essentials (mostly beer). Nearly my turn at the checkout keeping the regulation two metres apart. Needed to sneeze and must have had a blowback as my eyes bulged and I went deaf. I think I got away with it and dont think anyone noticed. Better now though.

As I am now working mostly from home due to government advice. I was asked to join a FaceTime conference. For someone thats never even taken a selfie this was a new experience for me. Turned my phone camera on, couldnt see anything as every time I pointed the camera to my face all I could see was the back of the phone. Then found the button to rotate the picture. Staring back at me was this old looking wreck, saggy bags under the eyes and unruly grey hair. It was me! As the only time I look in the mirror is when I shave, the reflection is usually misty, and my face covered in shaving foam so dont really take too much notice. I saw staring back at me, this strange looking old guy that was copying every expression. Self-image is an interesting thing. Until that point, I was sure that I was average looking and fairly presentable. I think my phone camera may be faulty so will go off for a new one. Maybe that will work better.

This morning I had to drive into London to secure one of our sites as I didnt want my materials nicked. First time ever there was no traffic and empty roads. Climate change hippies must think all their birthdays have come at once. Few cars, fewer lorries and no aeroplanes circling in the sky. I parked outside the site on an empty road, not a soul in sight. Suddenly a voice behind me, You cant park there. It was a traffic warden. Some things never change.

Boris Johnson has reported that he has coronavirus. I hope he hasnt been kissing Dominic Cummings. That would be a shame.

27th March 2020

I suspect that I know where the hand sanitiser has all gone. People have realised its almost pure alcohol so using it with ice and tonic with little umbrellas. When this is all over, we will have developed a taste for it and using this as a new cocktail ingredient.

We must now have the cleanest hands in the history of the human race. The government have told us not to touch our faces. We have never been embarrassed to scratch our nose before. In the old days you had to adopt ingenious ways to scratch your bum in public. Altering the way you walk in an attempt to rub your bottom cheeks in a way to add pressure to the itch. Now we have to consider a similar strategy if our nose itches. It is no longer acceptable to put you hand anywhere near our face and now will cause more embarrassment in public than scratching your bottom.

In the future parents will be able to prove that biting your nails can be hazardous. Thumb-sucking extremely dangerous and picking your nose could kill you. Touching other bits are still okay but you might still go blind.