Turnbull - Confessions of a bad beekeeper: what not to do when keeping bees (with apologies to my own)

PRAISE FOR
Confessions of a Bad Beekeeper

In a sea of beekeeping books that read like textbooks, it was an absolute delight to discover Confessions of a Bad Beekeeper. Bill Turnbull presents us with a delightful and amusing book on the basics of beekeeping. Through Turnbulls self-effacing humor and personal anecdotes, readers will learn a lot about beesand a thing or two about life itself.
HOWLAND BLACKISTON,
author of Beekeeping for Dummies

This delightful and funny book will strike a chord with all beekeepersbeginners and seasoned ones alike. We have all done stupid things with bees, and I am glad to report that Bill Turnbull survived and learned from his mistakes. A truly wonderful read.
DIANA SAMMATARO, PHD,
coauthor of The Beekeepers Handbook

Animated and entertaining! Bill Turnbull gives readers an informative glimpse into the enchanting world of beekeeping that is sure to increase their appreciation for these endearing creatures.
C. MARINA MARCHESE, author of
Honeybee: Lessons from an Accidental Beekeeper

Every beekeeper begins as a bad beekeeper. Fortunately, Bill Turnbull remembers his hilarious beekeeping mistakes and adventures in great detail, and he has bravely transformed them into this honest, entertaining book. It is a must-read even for experienced beekeepers who have already been there and done that, especially as they may have failed to see the humor that Turnbull so skillfully captures.
NORMAN GARY, PHD, Professor and Apiculturist Emeritus,
University of California, Davis, and author of Honey Bee Hobbyist

What a fabulous, truthful book from a man who I am sure is a much better beekeeper than he claims to be.
Smallholder

A jar of honey will seem like a total miracle after youve read [Bill] Turnbulls entertaining bee book Gripping.
Daily Mail

His description of the pleasure bees bring is captivating and told in such an engaging manner. This is truly charming A must hive!
News of the World

An entertaining beekeeping memoir.
The Times (London)

This book could make us all a little better.
British Beekeepers Association News

Confessions of a
BAD BEEKEEPER

what not to do when keeping bees [with apologies to my own]

BILL TURNBULL

CONFESSIONS OF A BAD BEEKEEPER:
What NOT to Do When Keeping Bees (With Apologies to My Own)
Copyright Bill Turnbull 2010, 2011
Illustrations copyright Russ Billington 2010

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no portion of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or information storage or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

The Experiment, LLC
260 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 100016408
www.theexperimentpublishing.com

Originally published in Great Britain in 2010 in somewhat different form as The Bad Beekeepers Club by Sphere, an imprint of Little, Brown Book Group, a Hachette UK Company.

The Most Beautiful Girl words and music by Rory Michael Bourke and Bill Sherrill 1973, reproduced by permission of EMI Music Publishing Ltd, London W8 5SW.

Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and The Experiment was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been capitalized.

The Experiments books are available at special discounts when purchased in bulk for premiums and sales promotions as well as for fundraising or educational use. For details, contact us at info@theexperimentpublishing.com.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011925090
ISBN 978-1-61519-032-4
Ebook ISBN 978-1-61519-133-8

Cover design by Alison Forner
Front cover photograph of Bill Turnbull by Colin Thomas
Front cover photograph of beehive by Gary K. Smith | Alamy
Back cover photograph by Sesi Turnbull
Text design by Pauline Neuwirth, Neuwirth & Associates, Inc.

Manufactured in the United States of America
Distributed by Workman Publishing Company, Inc.
First U.S. edition published May 2011
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To Sesi

Hello. My name is Bill, and Im a Bad Beekeeper. A really Bad Beekeeper. Ive done bad things with bees. Terrible things. Things you wouldnt understand unless you were a beekeeper yourself.

I still shudder at the thought of one or two of them. I couldnt put them down here. If I did, and you were even a half-decent beekeeper, youd probably stop reading right here and now.

But I keep going. I cant help myself.

Why, I hear you ask. Why, oh why?

I just have to. Its like theyre my path to redemption. Ever since a swarm arrived in our yard seventeen years ago, Id wondered if I could be brave enough to take up the challenge. I still remember standing in awed silence as I watched (from behind the locked patio doors) a local beekeeper .

Bees can be very forgiving. Theyll put up with a lot. Theyll punish you when you do wrong and, believe me, in my time I have certainly been punished. But treated right, and left alone for long enough, their mood will improve. And like many a long-suffering womanfor bees are overwhelmingly femalethey will give you another chance. Eventually.

And so I like to think, in the words of the French psychologist mile Couor was it Winnie the Pooh?Every day in every way Im getting better and better. Its been suggested that mile Cou eventually committed suicide. But well not let that deter us.

Im in the rare and privileged position of being a BBC man twice overonce with the finest broadcasting corporation the world has ever seen, where I make a living hosting the Breakfast program on BBC One in England, and again as a founding member of the Bad Beekeepers Club. I set it up a couple of years ago with my beekeeping friend Peter Murray Russell, a kindred spirit who seemed to be almost as inept as I was when it came to keeping bees and making honey. I once found a road map in one of his hives. He offered a long and complicated technical justification, but I think he was just worried that they might not find their way home. By the way, reading this book confers on you honorary membership in this small but august association. Well, weve got to get the numbers up somehow.