William Shatner - Shatner Rules: Your Guide to Understanding the Shatnerverse and the World at Large

DUTTON

Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.

Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.); Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England; Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephens Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd); Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd); Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi110 017, India; Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, Auckland 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd); Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First printing, October 2011

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Copyright 2011 by William Shatner

Illustrations copyright 2011 by Paul Matvienko-Sikar

All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARKMARCA REGISTRADA

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Shatner, William.

Shatner rules : your guide to understanding the Shatnerverse and the world at large / William Shatner.

p. cm.

ISBN 9781101547984

1. Shatner, William. 2. ActorsCanadaBiography. 3. Shatner, WilliamHumor. I. Title.

PN2308.S52A3 2011

791.4502'8092dc23

[B]

2011028393

Designed by Alissa Amell

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the authors rights is appreciated.

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Ive gotten to the age where I am counting every precious minute, so although none of us knows what is going to happen next, the dice are loaded for me having less time than more. So it seems that I should give a giant shout-out to everything meaningful in my life, cause you never know when you are going to get another shout-out. So to my wife, my daughters, my grandchildren, my dogs, my horses, and my friends, I hope I see you all tomorrow. And Id also like to give a shout-out to Chris Regan, who is a terrific guy, a wonderful writer, and a new friend.

Its Shatners universe. We just live in it.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, AS TOLD TO WILLIAM SHATNER*

* RULE: Always Take Shatners Word for It, Even If You Suspect Hes Lying

INTRODUCTION

RULE: Start Every Book with an Introduction

I , William Shatner, am now eighty years of age, and Ive been thinking a lot lately about my late mothers eighty-fourth birthday.

Actually, Im not really thinking of the exact date of her birthday as much as I am thinking about the observance of her eighty-fourth birthday. It was observed many times in her eighty-fourth year.

We were in a restaurantme, my two sisters, our respective spouses, and Mother Shatner, who was beaming from ear to ear. Why was she a-beam? Well, a retinue of handsome waiters surrounded her, bellow-singing Happy Birthday as only struggling young actors can. A small slice of cake sat in front of her, its sole candle missing its eighty-three siblings, waiting to be blown out by the happy old lady.

And while Mother Shatner and the waiters smiled, her children and assorted family members scowled.

Why?

Well, it was not my mothers eighty-fourth birthday.

That event had passed a few months previous. And once again, my family was mortified by my mother following what had become an important rule in her life.

The rule was: When Dining Out, Always Tell the Waiter Its Your Birthday. That Way You Always Get Free Cake.

The rule suddenly appeared in my mothers code of personal conduct rather late in life, and it was exercised often. She didnt care that her family was embarrassed or that she was lying, committing a low-level form of dessert fraud. All she cared about was the possibility of free cake.

And its only now, as I approach the same age my mother was those many years ago, that I realize what a... great... rule this is.

It comes down to this: Life is hard; get as much free cake as you possibly can. My mother deserved it, I deserve it, and you deserve it. And make a wish when you blow out the candle. (I call dibs on I Wish I Could Fly, though.)

With Shatner Rules, I hope to share some of the principles that have governed my very existence over the years, and how I have applied them in real-life situations. My life has been a unique, strange, and wonderful one, and I hope these rules are suitably unique, strange, and worthy of some measure of wonder.

By the end of this tome, will you learn how to live a Shatneresque existence? Yes. Will you experience the essence of Shatner in its purest form? Absolutely. Will you be Shatner?

Of course not. There can only be one Shatner. I am he, and have been for eighty years.

Besides, as we learned on television many years ago, a mirror version of me is often an evil me.

Happy reading. Go get your free cake!

My Best,

Bill*

Studio City, California

2011

* In the course of this book, youll realize that Bill is a slightly different guy from Shatner. Bills pretty laid back, a regular guy, a lot like you. Sometimes Shatner relaxes into Bill. Even Shatner cant keep up the Shatner all the time.

CHAPTER 1

RULE: Say Yes

N o!

Leonard Nimoy flat-out said no.

But what do you mean, Leonard? Youre my friend! You have to be there. I want you there! I implored.

Noabsolutely not. Have you seen those things? Theyre devastating! Theyre brutal! I cannot and will not attend. And you shouldnt, either.

There would be no changing his mind. Leonard Nimoy would have no part of The Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner.

Sure, he could walk away, but I didnt have a choice. I had to be in it. Actors love to have their name above the title, but my name was